Issues with parents
Hi, I feel a lot of anger towards my parents and am looking for guidance. I honestly don’t want to talk to them at all. Mostly I am really angry about their political views and the fact that their values are so different and opposed to mine. If it were up to me I think I would prefer to not see or talk to them ever, but I am still somewhat entangled with them financially and I think I also want to talk to them and tell them how I feel. I am just so angry towards them and I wish that I could tell them how I feel but I feel like there will be a lot of blowback and retaliation if I do.
I honestly feel a ton of anger and distrust towards them and usually I end up being passive aggressive and just ignoring them or not communicating with them but I would prefer to actually tell them how I feel and talk to them about what I am feeling angry about. But I am scared to express anger towards them and feel like it wouldn’t be productive unless I thought really carefully about what I wanted to say. But I honestly have so much repressed anger towards them and I need to work through it and figure out what I need to do - whether it is talk to them and tell them how I am feeling or if it is setting boundaries with them and being clear with them about the fact that I am doing so.
I feel a ton of anger towards them and I wish I felt comfortable telling everything I am feeling and thinking and all of the anger I feel but honestly I don’t know exactly what I want to say and how I should express this anger towards them. Because honestly I am really angry towards them and I would love to just be direct with them and tell them exactly how I feel nut I don’t know what the consequences of doing that could be for me. I feel like they could easily find some way to hurt me if I expressed my feelings towards them in a way that was disrespectful or something like that.
I just feel really lost and I feel so much anger towards them but I also just feel so confused about what I should do about that anger. I think there is a lot of shame too and I am not sure how to manage or handle that because shame is an emotion that I really struggle with in general and find hard to manage. I would love some advice and guidance. Thank you.
@eumesmo
Hi!
I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing issues with your parents. I understand that it can be frustrating when people close to you have different political views and values and it can be certainly hard when it's your parents. I think the most important thing is to be respectful and that you can be able to talk to each other with respect and understanding even though you have different views on things. One idea would be to find a good time when both you and your parents are calm to talk about how you can handle your differences and for you to tell them how it makes you feel.
Thanks, I think that might work but I guess I’m not sure exactly what I want to tell them. It might help for me to just talk to them more in general so that it will be easier to have the hard conversations because we have already established a baseline of regular communication. But I would have to think about what specifically I would want to say. Maybe I should think about this a bit. Thank you for your ideas-
@eumesmo Hello. It sounds like you are feeling anger and confusion because your perspective and values seem threatened by people you care about and from whom you desire understanding and acceptance. These resources may be helpful to you in finding a constructive rather than destructive outlet for the anger you are feeling: https://www.7cups.com/boundaries/ https://www.7cups.com/family-stress/ https://www.7cups.com/forgiveness/ Also, if you think it would help, feel free to message me anytime to share your thoughts and feelings. I hope you find the peace of mind you are looking for.
Honestly, talking regularly with someone would be super helpful. I’ll send you a message so we can chat. Thank you-
Same here buddy
Hi @eumesmo, it’s tough living with family that you cannot even trust in their values. I don’t personally know what it’s like to hate my family for their political views but I do come from a background with lots of shame and conflicting expectations. I have heard friends and strangers complain about a bigoted father or mother or morally/politically corrupt family members of political views. The anger is understandable considering the amount of hate crimes and traumatic experiences people go through on a daily basis because of politics and bigotry. My advice is to set boundaries personally. Release your anger through what you love maybe music, sports, anything. Talk to people that support you and love you and don’t make it your priority to change your parents’ mind all the time, from my experience people like that usually ignore what you have to say. I have found volunteering and protesting are small but freeing ways you can express your frustration.
@wrenyaa1 I appreciate your thoughts and ideas. I feel like I really do need to talk to them more about all of this, if only to clarify our differences and really talk about my frustration. I kind of want to cut them off but I doubt I will do that, I feel like I am not strong enough to do that but also I don’t really want to. I think I just feel a lot of frustration because I want to talk to them but I don’t know how and I’m not sure what exactly my goal would be. I don’t know what I would be trying to achieve. Part of me thinks it isn’t even worth it talking to them about politics or social issues but I don’t really want to spend any time with them if we don’t confront any of these issues. I kind of want to just talk to them and express my views and if they say that they aren’t willing to hear me or talk to me, then I can tell them that I don’t want to be around them unless we are able to talk about this and they are willing to listen.
You’re in a tough position and I’m here to reflect back what I’m hearing non-judgementally and perhaps guide you out of it with some insights.
Parents are tricky because as they say blood is thicker then water, which basically means if we’re not careful, loyalty can become a yoke that enslaves us.
To ensure you’re feeling like part of a team it’s important to get to the bottom of why and what you’re feeling. You mentioned anger, confusion and shame.
Until you’ve unpacked those emotions, you’ll be coming into a conversation with unfinished business in your end, and like you said, this could be disastrous.
Unpacking an emotion means 1. Being willing to change it and look at it fearlessly 2. Deciding what to do 2. Doing whatever you decided to do.
This could mean looking at something that made you angry and asking yourself why, then being open to exploring solutions and your part in the matter.
By tending our own metaphorical life garden instead of pointing at what is wrong with anothers’ we free ourselves and the other person to change.
At that time, we are effectively saying “I’m going to do everything I can to ensure that I’m responding to life in the most respectful, loving understanding way.
This intention will go a long way to fuel change as long as we don’t use it a) as an excuse to not do the work b) have high expectations on doing the work.
We’re going to suck at trying something new! Don’t judge someone learning to swim against someone who can surf massive waves, who swam for decades.
This may be something that is going to have to possibly be learned as well if it’s an unconscious habit - judgement can override our good intentions.
Protect yourself by focusing on self care. Daily routines and rituals, goals and plans that fill you up and keep your feet on solid ground and your heart active.
I’ve been at this for twenty years and let me tell you this is an art, not a skill. A skill is something one could use to make art. So enjoy the creative process.
I had a tough interview today. I made sure to do extra self care and be extra nice. I took myself out to the movies after. Now it’s your turn - do something!
@eumesmo
Thank you, I appreciate these ideas. Honestly I think I just need to talk to them. They say a lot of things that bother me but I think I can confront them. Either we will make progress and get closer or we won’t and we will get more separate and at least that will be a more honest relationship. But I do know that I need to talk to them at the very least, and that is something that has been really hard for me lately… I feel like I am just ignoring them and trying not to talk to them in general, but I think what I should probably do is just talk to them more because that way they can better understand how I feel.
Do you have a counsellor or call helplines or have a consistent listener on here?
Journaling can sometimes help. Exercise. Drinking water. Limiting screen time. Meditating when you wake up and before you sleep for an hour. Studying.
What works for some may not work for another. Taking time to reflect on where you’re at and where you need to go in life (metaphorically speaking) could help you set goals and achieve them.
@eumesmo I am in the same boat as you and have been wanting to move out for like a decade but I cant. waking up everyday in parents house is honestly getting unbearable at this point.
i would say: avoid your parents as much as you can. save money or plan moving out. really put your mind at it. meanwhile, if you can, try to spend time outdoors a lot. with friends or alone.
treat your parents like roommates and communicate that this is how you wish it to be. set boundaries. remind yourself you dont have to have same political views at your roommates and thats fine.
dont feel guilty for taking financial help from your parents. even if they think you dont deserve their financial support- you totally do.
dont feel bad for being rude to them if they disrespect your boundaries. if you don't stand up for yourself you will completely send the wrong message that they can do it again and again and it will bring all your progress back to square one
Yes. And remember that being rude is a perspective - if you’re setting and holding a new boundary that may seem rude to someone who doesn’t have the maturity to deal with their emotions.
Ugh it’s all so complex.
@straightforwardKitten8705
@eumesmo I don’t know if this will help much, but there are probably larger forces at work in this situation. Politicians and others profit off of dividing people. Your parents may not be easily convinced to think otherwise and outside propaganda can be really powerful. It seems to be rooted more in emotions than anything that can be persuaded by rational argument. Know also that you are not alone. There are many families facing this right now. May be best for now to accept that there are different opinions and try to let the anger go as much as possible. I don’t mean to make that sound trivial. There are important problems in the world and it is disconcerting when we don’t come together to solve them. And it totally sucks that this force of division has reached down into our families. Best to keep a level head yourself and not put extra strain on yourself or your relationships at the moment. Things at some point may soften, because almost certainly this sort of tension was experienced by our distant ancestors, and at other times our society has experienced harmony. There is a story about people in a tiny boat, all of them freaking out, and it is said all it takes is one calm person to keep the others from capsizing the boat. I’m trying to be the calm one in the boat, but it is not an easy skill to learn.
