January 04, 2022 - The Irony of Emotional Suppression

I am much better at putting thoughts down when the fugue takes me, but I feel that learning to address and ascertain my emotional state at any time is incredibly important in the process of coping with depression.

Normally, I get about halfway through addressing current problems, be it via journal, diary, or guided prompt, and end up so overwhelmed with thoughts that I stop the process entirely and walk away. Ironically, this makes me feel even more frustrated and like a failure than I felt before trying to NOT feel such ways about myself.

But I digress.

Ive just finished reading a self help book that addresses some of these haranguing thoughts and actions, and have decided to try and force some control over myself enough to actually focus on and write about it. For this check in, I want to talk about something that resonated with me from the book, and will do my best to focus on that train of thought alone, without segueing too far off topic. I'm doing my best NOT to overwhelm myself this go round.

I was raised in a family with a physically and emotionally absent father, and a severely mentally ill mother in deep denial. I was not provided with any emotional stability or coping mechanisms until young adulthood, when I moved as far from my personal hell as possible and had to learn them myself. If you haven't already guessed, the self help book in question addressed children of emotionally abusive parents, and helped explain some of the bizarre and self deprecating walls we kids have raised over the years so as not to fall to pieces at the hands of the people meant to love us.

I don't believe every angle of my depression stems from my childhood traumas, but I do believe it contributes to how I view life as an adult, and how I treat myself body and soul, on a daily basis.

The topic of question within the book that resonated with me discussed the action of emotional suppression, and what happens when the false security of being "in control" starts to crumble. The author, a psychologist of many years, suggested that when we reach a point of emotional upheaval so intense and unavoidable two things happen- depression, and anger.

I am at a state where I feel both, immensely. And in reading the book, have realized it is in part because I am emotionally depraved, a feat I've both created within myself and have been dealt by the people currently in my life, and my "self" or sense of being is demanding a fix.

Thats as far as I've gotten with my revelation about the internal turmoil I am feeling right now, because beyond feeling angry and depressed, I am also incredibly unmotivated, exhausted to a fault, and number than frost bitten toes wearing flip flops in an Alaskan Winter. I don't currently feel any sense of attainment, rectification, or achievement, which sucks, because I was hoping to gain something from recognizing that my feelings are totally normal, but maybe that will come with further reflection on what I've gleaned about myself over the weekend.

My goal for today is simply to remember that what Im feeling SUCKS, but falls into a category of totally normal, human reactions to a life time of avoiding myself.

Do any of you resonate with this idea? Has it brought comfort knowing that there is a potential root causing your feelings?