Losing hope

I don't know how to put it into words. It's too much but I'll try my best to express myself.

I grew up in a violent home where fights were normal. It's normal where I live. My family says it's normal but as years passed, I knew something is wrong and this isn't normal. I told my family and explained to them that is not normal and yes, every family argue to a certain extent but not fight. This doesn't happen in every family. Now, almost all the members say that what's happening now isn't normal. Their reason: fights are happening on a daily bases and are more intense which is completely a lie. It was more intense back then.

It's like they gaslighted me. Of course, I said, I told you, this isn't normal but then you all said, it's normal and every family fights(like us).

Bc of all this, I've BPD and PTSD. Well, I'm sure I've. I worked on worksheets, asked people in the mental health field and watched videos of professional doctors in the mental field, on BPD and PTSD. I'm sure I have these 2 but I can't afford therapy that's why I'm here. And I needed to vent. It's too much.

Bc of BPD, affected my work. I wasn't doing any jobs from the start but I don't wanna do that thing that I don't love. It sounds selfish when I want to escape this place. Selfish bc I should do any type of work if I Wanna escape this place. But I can't. I mean I tried but I couldn't bc I started feeling dizzy, opulent focus on any longer. I tried, liked for some days but I couldn't focus on that work.

I'm just losing hope of escaping/leaving this place.