Lost Girl
I spent so many years being angry and disappointed in my parents- now their aging and it feels like I’ve lost time. I’m currently on a mental health break and depend on my parents support. My relationship with them was always ok, but had been suffering in the last few years. Past trauma (emotional only) had led me to distance myself and now one is sick and I’m so conflicted. I don’t know how to let go of the past. Do I have to suck it up now that we’re in this situation? How could my siblings , who went through the same thing, pick up and just be there? How can they forgive? I’m one of the oldest children but even my older sibling has moved on. Why is it only me? We suck at communicating but when we need each other we’re always there. It’s just me.. it’s been several days since my parent went to the hospital and everyone has visited but me. I hesitate because of my social anxiety but what am I gonna say when I get there? I’m filled with worry and my stomach just doesn’t feel right. How do I let go and forgive? I’m so lost and my feelings are drowning me. I want to be better. How do I start
@crimsonScarf9685
There's a lot that I would have wanted to be different and my parents to have done differently growing up. It's painful and sad. As I grew older though, I saw and learned from my parents that they too are but imperfect beings, making mistakes and learning right up to the very day they leave this life ... and teaching us up to the very day they leave this life.
In that, I have made peace with how we were brought up and with the things that hurt us, as children and as a family. The memory still hurts and still saddens me, but the blame is no longer there. Being just as imperfect, if not more so than my parents, I could have very well made the same mistakes and I too have my mistakes that I have made, still make and will still make.
My dad passed away on the 6th of last month. I was there but not my sister couldn't be, and for that I am actually grateful as it was a painful sight to see him suffer before he passed, and a painful way to say goodbye when we were literally minutes too late to see him go.
The last thing my dad taught me in this life, is that you shouldn't need someone to be by your side, to know that they love you. Selflessness, is in considering others, even in your darkest hour.
Whether you do go see him, or choose not to is your choice and ultimately, there is a reason for what will transpire.
As for how you react in comparison to your siblings, I see family as being the building materials in a house. Some of us are the bricks, thick enough to keep out the cold, some are the mortar, strong enough to keep the family together and others, are the window panes ... though more fragile than the others, they let in the sun and warmth.
Don't compare your self to others, as we all have a role to play and each has a different way of fulfilling that role.
My condolences to you I never thought of how horrible comparing could be. I truly believe wot of the stress I’ve been under is because of this. My anger is another part of me that I struggle with- but seeing you talk about peace has given me ideas for my own. Inner peace is something I now crave. And I look forward to it. Your description of family .. hits the nail for me. When I think of it let that I realized a lot. I’m still struggling with the idea of us not being on the same page, and yet I understand how it is okay. I’m heading out to visit soon Thank you- for sharing with a Lost Girl.