Mentally drained from parents
Hi, so before you begin reading, just wanna let you know this will be like a long essay to read and I'm desperate for replies because I need opinions since I barely have any friends.
I am 20 years old living with my parents in an apartment. Ever since I was 11, they were always strict and harsh with me when it comes to studying for exams and everytime they see my results on a subject that's less than 80, they will get angry and fight to me a lot.
At the moment. I am in college studying for graphic design, I still live with them, they still are strict and always want to know what I am doing. I have met a person who I never knew I would love so much and he felt the same way with me, but this is the challenge:
His ex is my friend whom we knew each other back at school, and when they were still together, they had a baby especially in teen years. Don't get me wrong, I know you think it's a bad idea to date someone who has a kid, but I want you to know our reasons and situation,
My friend and him had a frustrating relationship due to circumstances and thought they love each other but turns out, they dont because they make each other extremely frustrated and they confirmed that they knew they were never meant for each other. I am the only person besides those 2 who knows about their history and know 100% certain that they will never get back together. My friend encouraged me that she is fine with us together and that she's certain that she will never feel hurt. I barely believed her until she told me a thousand times about it so I decided to give it a go.
He is someone I love so much and we both felt agreed and felt that we really are molded together and he even promised me that no matter what gets in our way, he will stay by my side.
Now this is the issue I am currently facing, I told my mum about this and then without even my consent, she told my dad, they both argued and told me that being with him will be the wrongest decision I have ever made. Last night my dad had a brief talk with me saying that everyone including my relatives will despise me for dating someone who used to be with my friend. He said that I am disrespecting and being a bad person to my friend for dating her ex no matter how accepting she is to me. I kept telling them to at least meet him so that they can see he's not the "bad" person they seem to think he is, but they told me no, they don't want to. They forced me to cut off with him, along my mum agreeing. They say either I should do so, or if I continued being with him, we won't have the perfect family relationship anymore, they told me they will never be happy with me again and not to let my boyfriend go near him.
My dad even told me "Your mother worked so hard to bring you into this world, now because of what you're doing, you are making her ill! She's having complications with her health because of you stressing her. So if you love your mum you will do what she says".
I love my parents despite how toxic they were to me since they're still my family and I will do anything to help them, but at the same time, I just feel like my boyfriend is the only person who understands me so much and never made me this happy before. I can tell that even he can't stand it if we were to break up. We both end up feeling like a part of ourselves has died. Believe me, he is someone I never felt any more happy to be with in my life. So I really don't know what to do, if I choose him, would I become a bad person? Just because I don't want to lose my happiness? Am I a horrible person hurting my family?
What should I do? I kept crying nonstop wondering how and why it's unfair and difficult of me to get what I want?
@FriedaRaven
I am so sorry you are dealing with family issues. it is your choice what you want to do.
But how can I deal with the fear and guilt whenever I try making my own choices?
@FriedaRaven @FriedaRaven Hello. It sounds like you are feeling torn between what you want and what your parents want. You are not hurting your friend, she supports your decision. When your father accuses you, he's voicing his opinion, not hers. Neither are you hurting your family by loving your boyfriend; rather, your parents are hurting you by not accepting or respecting your decisions or your feelings, and they are hurting themselves by demanding a perfect daughter with perfect grades and perfect obedience, rather than loving the daughter with whom they have been blessed. It sounds like your love for your parents is rewarded with blame and shame, and that you've been made to feel like a bad person every time you disagreed with them or made your own choices, and that you've been mentally drained by their verbal abuse. On the other hand, your boyfriend seems to understand you, respect you, and love and accept you for who you are.
It is cruel for your parents to threaten to cut you off because they are prejudiced against your boyfriend. You've mentioned that you feel guilty and afraid when you make your own decisions. It sounds like your parents have made you feel that way in order to try to control you. The perfect family relationship that you would lose seems to consist of you being the perfect slave and their being the perfect tyrants. Yet in a way, they may have offered you a solution for these negative feelings by allowing you to remove the principal source (themselves) through their ultimatum.
I hope this helps. These resources may be useful to you: https://www.7cups.com/boundaries/ https://www.7cups.com/family-stress/ I very much hope you find personal happiness and fulfillment in your life, you deserve it. Feel free to message me anytime if you would like to talk more.