Not a saint

There is as trauma in my family life that occured 20 years ago that I have not properly dealt with. To be honest, it's still uncomfortable to look at head-on. But I have come to realize how deeply this scar is affecting me, how the lack of proper healing has damaged my mental health and relationships to others. So, I have to admit it is time. When I was a teen my older brother passed away suddenly and tragically. It devastated my family and I in a way we never fully recovered from. For several years I refused to talk about it. And even when I started to talk I was very guarded. But a serious problem I have in my healing is that there are many people who spent very little time with my brother, who didn't see him as he was at home on a daily basis, who have made him into a hero to be placed on a pedestal. But truthfully he was very much a destructive force in our home and overall quite selfish. I loved him but I and my immediate family know he was very complex. Part of that is just the process of growing up. Part of it was his own choices. I have missed him terribly many times but I am also very angry at the false narrative that has grown around him due to his young death. He was not a saint . He was not a monster, either. He was just a real person and not always a good one. But how can you say that about the departed? Especially one so young? And especially after all this time? Thank you for reading; I'm sorry for the way this makes me feel...like I must be a bad person.