The Go-Between

Just need a place to rant about my day. Or what feels like everyday.

I'm a daughter, a granddaughter and a sister. My family has always had difficulties with relationships. I remember when I was younger and I felt as though I needed to be the happy one, the dippy one, the jokey one, the one on top form at all times. Otherwise life just felt unbearable. I guess that just hasn't changed.

My sister and I arranged to see our grandma tonight a few weeks ago, my sister today decided she wasn't going to go because she was having... a bad day. Which I totally understand. We all have them.

However; this then resulted in my grandma kicking off at me as she had arranged the evening, for my sister and I. There would now be food wasted, she stated my sister is selfish. - I calmed the situation as best I could reassuring my grandma that she was just unwell and warned my sister of this reaction. Was this the wrong thing to do?

My sister then kicked off at me, blaming me for attempting to calm the waters. I handled it wrong and I should stay out of it. Now my sister does not want to speak to me.

During all of this, I had our mother kick off at me because my sister did not come with me to our grandma's. Completely not understanding that my sister had a bad day, she went to see her friend instead of seeing our grandma. I tried to explain and say that she wasn't feeling up to it, it can be hard. (Recently our grandpa passed) Our mother now angry at the fact my sister had let her mum down.

My grandma then spent most of the evening ranting about how difficult her daughter (my mum) can be, about her alcohol intake, her actions, her money, the fact she doesn't come and see her enough or is never there (my mum is there if my grandma will have her) admittedly she should be around more. But normally that's left down to me.

So when I came home when all this had happened, I just wanted to be left to my own devices to process my own feelings of the day but no - my sister started and so did my mother.

So maybe I'm not just a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister or even my own person. But just a go-between to put out fires, prevent them before they ignite further, to keep the peace as much as I possibly can. To stop that explosion that keeps coming.

Just one of these days I might walk away -- is that awful to admit? Does that make me a bad sister? Daughter and granddaughter? Are they my only labels? Will I ever get just a moment to be me?

Considering I found out the great news that finally after months of waiting, I have a date to move into my new flat! But now that moment is clouded... darkened by the events of today. Is that selfish? Maybe?

Comments welcomed and thanks for letting me rant. :)