boundaries..

just yesterday i decided to make the choice to cut off my family, we still live together unfortunately but i am just fed up with giving them access to hurt me over and over. i decided to just go silent. don't get me wrong my parents have always taken care of us physically even if we never had much, but emotionally they have damaged us and left us with baggage we never healed from. this family has never given me love in the ways i needed to grow and be my best self in the world, and my view on love and trust is so messed up and it has played a part in damaging my past relationships/friendships.

I've tried my best to be good enough for them, to fit in with my sisters, to get my mom to accept me or at least even look me in the eye when i talk to her, i try to clean up and get things in the house fixed with my own money. but overtime i started to realize i was the only one who sees a problem with the way we live, with the way we are with each other. always having to go the extra mile just to get them to care not just about our home but to care about me. i constantly feel bad about who i am when I'm here, constantly feel judged and yesterday i decided that i've had enough. enough with the on and off, enough with the pretending like how they make me feel is okay, or that these habits are healthy.

its hard tho because i don't have my own room and i don't even have a car yet, and every time i get mad or sad i start to feel guilty and feel like maybe i shouldn't be, maybe I'm overreacting or something. so the cycle starts again, and we pretend like nothing happened and then we go right back to normal and then one day another situation happens where i am left out, judged, ignored or just realize how alone they make me feel. its just on and off cycle of me getting mad or hurt by the things they do or dont do, say or dont say and we never communicate.

i just feel so wrong but at the same time i cant keep allowing them to make me feel like i dont matter..or what i say or how i feel doesn't matter. they always do things and then try to bribe me or make me feel guilty into opening up to them again and I'm just so tired. so ive made the decision to go silent, and my heart hurts so much and just feels so bitter. literally I'm having heart pains and my heart has been beating so much faster. I'm trying my best to not say anything to anyone i just cant keep doing this with them anymore. its not good for me.