i am giving up on my parents.
tw: abuse, suicide
i am a young adult whose parents did horrible things to me as a child.
i suffer from the recollection of these memories and the ongoing mistreatment i experience from still living with them.
i have confronted them about my feelings several times as a child and adolescent and they tell me "thats just the kind of person i am" or a really long winded version of "it's your fault." and the most recent time i spilled my heart out about my feelings but got told it is still my fault was literally two days ago. im tired of this cycle.
i try to be someone else to appease them and avoid conflict so they dont hurt me or verbally belittle me. but its exhausting. sometimes that doesnt work either. interacting with my parents feels like walking on eggshells.
i am a couple months clean of self harm. but last night the intrusive thoughts came back because of the memories and recent events. im okay now but im here because im trying to rationalize my thoughts.
im tired of trying to have a good friendly relationship with my parents who do nothing but call me "ungrateful" or a "bitch" or that my entire existence is a financial burden, and yet they still say they love me. i dont do anything to deliberately disrespect my parents i just want them to appreciate me and all ive ever done is try to please them my entire life.
but im done. im tired. i barely even know who i am around them and others.
my parents havent changed in over a decade. im tired of giving them a million chances. im tired of the little girl who is still inside my heart who thinks they will turn around one day but gets her heart broken every single time. i just want to be me and i want to be happy.
i am moving out in 4 months. my father is pressuring me to stay longer for the sake of my siblings. they are 15, 16 and 19. they arent helpless and they definitely dont need me.
but i want to leave. i just want to keep things civil but im not trying to be friends with the people who made me feel worthless. my mother blames me for her weight and appearance and always bodyshames me. she calls me names. i told my father and he went on a whole thing about the things she does to him but says "it is what it is" and that i have to make up with her. then he will go on to telling me my emotions are pointless. i cant keep running myself into the dirt for nothing.
i just want to be free. i just want to be seen by someone who understands and will tell me everything will be okay.
@neutralbeige01 hey, I'm so sorry you've been through this. you're doing the right thing steering your self away from them, I can't imagine the amount of pain you went through. It's the right thing to leave and if your siblings don't really seems like they need you, it might be time. You got this, things might be tough at first when you move out, but you got this, I believe in you. things would get better, wish you all the best.
thank you, i appreciate your words.
yes, my siblings will be alright. i coddled them since i was in fifth grade but they dont need me to do that anymore. i really did it out of fear they will end up like me with my parents and i wanted to shelter them but it didnt work, because my parents' abuse was not at all selective. but just like me, they are their own people and already show great independence for themselves.
thank you again.
I relate to so much of what you wrote (especially the financial burden part and not knowing yourself when you're around them). Also hoping to move out before the end of the year. It's so hard to heal from people who destroy your mental state when you still live with them...It sounds like things have been so difficult on your end for so long, and I'm really glad you're here talking things out and getting the help you need.
I'm so happy for your months clean of self harm... regardless of how last night went, I really hope you will still be proud of yourself and how much you've progressed!
Wow what a journey for you. You will make it on your own. You are strong and do not look back. Your next chapter awaits you. Going out on your own is frightening at times BUT exciting too. You can and will do it!!! No guilt or shame should be placed on you as you walk out that door with your car packed up. You have to take care of yourself and your future. My advice is to get into a Church. Keep looking until you find the right one. They will become your new family. God bless you.