i just didnt no how to tell you

lately, ive been noticing how heavy my heart is,my chest pains have gotten worse and they're so random now, so i find myself randomly struck with a pain in my chest that has me too scared to move, to scared to breathe too hard. most people would say that i maybe have a medical condition or that i should get it checked out and i will of course, but really i now the reason my heart feels like this is because it is is emotionally heavy, abused and tired. for the past year I've been going through a series of emotions, trying to deal with them on my own, hiding them from my family, i never felt safe enough to show anyone what i was dealing with, never learned how really. my parents, my mom.. never really made me feel like i had anyone to run to when things were hard. when i was younger, in school.. id go through breakups, bullies, body changes and in the case it all got too much, i knew in my heart that i after a long day at school, i had no refuge at home. anyways, last year, at the start of the pandemic, i met a boy and i fell in love. relationships in my family, were highly associated with childish emotions and sex, so they were never openly expressed or accepted in my home, so i never felt comfortable enough with my mom or even my sisters to share this with them. i had to hide it. he was my secret. well as much of a secret i could keep in a small home with only 3 bedrooms.

i can admit, the way i went about it was wrong, but i felt like i had no choice. i just couldn't find it in myself to tell them. i'd sneak out, i'd disappear, ignore calls, and lie about where i was and why it took me so long. at one point i disappeared for almost a week without anyword. i know i probably sound like the worst person, but as someone who has had to deal with everything on their own for so long, i didn't feel like i had to or even could open up to them about this. it just felt wrong. foreign. i mean, we don't even talk to each other most days, we don't even really know anything about what goes on in each others lives.

but this really isn't about him, its about the relationship with my mom. since then, I've been working to kind of make it up to her, without being too open about it. i cant really give details but ever since me and the boy broke up, I've spent almost everyday doing little things, little gestures to let her know that I'm not as much as a disgrace as she thinks i am. but nothing i do works, these days, when she talks to me..she never looks me in the eye, she doesn't;t call me anymore and if she does she only lets it ring once, sometimes she wont talk to me if i don't talk to her, and last mothers day, my sister and i all wrote her letters as a gift and she regarded everyone's except mine, even though I'm the one who set up the entire breakfast we had for her. the only time she talks to me is when she is asking for money, or something she needs from me. but other than that.. nothing.

i know this is probably really long but im just really tired of this feeling. feeling so ashamed of myself, feeling like i just dont belong, feeling like im an outcast, all because i accidentally fell in love in home where love isn't even talked about.

i hope this makes sense. it makes sense to me.. but i just cant keep feeling this feeling anymore. feeling like im the worst person in the world.