Abusive childhood and feeling behind as an adult
Hi! Not really sure if this is the right place for my question, I’m going to give a brief summary and then ask it.
Basically, I’m minimal contact with my mom and other family members (I have a sibling that I’m very close with, we go to family stuff together sometimes) and my dad committed suicide last year (I was fully no contact with him) because they were abusive and neglectful. For a long while everyone thought we were ‘so mature’ and well behaved but now as grown-ups it’s been hard for both of us to handle different parts of adulthood. I moved out about a year ago and honestly it’s been going well, I feel so much better mentally now.
My issue recently has been there’s just grown-up stuff that no one has ever taught to me or explained and it’s so overwhelming. Does that get easier to deal with? Do you ever stop feeling like you’re behind compared to folks who had decent parents?
Currently I feel like I’m playing catch-up on things that the other people my age were taught years ago. Practical things like dealing with health insurance and relationship things like how to talk to other people, and even how to balance my time so I’m not doing too much and being burnt-out and not skipping out on my responsibilities.
For those of you who have dealt with something similar, does it get easier?
@lavenderBlueberry9750 This is actually common among childhood trauma survivors. It does get easier.
Thank you so much!
I hadn’t thought of the library or hardware stores as a place for resources, I’ve definitely done a lot of googling lately for stuff I can’t figure out on my own and I’ve found I’m not great at house things. Luckily I’m a half decent chef though! Although cooking classes still sound fun.
Really it just make me feel better to hear someone say it’ll get easier.
@lavenderBlueberry9750 You're welcome! It's great that you're already a decent chef! With cooking classes they usually do them in groups of people which would help you socialize more too. I just started learning cooking myself. I finally got tired of hot dogs lol
I’m in a very similar position right now — minimal contact with my dad + my mom’s not speaking to me — and I wanna reassure you that it does get easier. For a while, I really felt like I was failing because I didn’t know what love looked like, and I kept getting myself into situations where I was taken advantage of by other people. But I found it really helpful to reframe things and remember that everyone’s impacted by their past in some way. Speaking for myself: I felt like I didn’t understand interpersonal relationships very well, but I also knew that I had the emotional resilience to get through anything life threw at me. And I think now, I’m definitely one of the more functional people I know — I still have setbacks and mental health things come up sometimes, but I’m always able to make the best out of whatever situation I end up in. Please feel free to reach out to me if you need more support, but I hope at least some of what I said resonated for you or was helpful in some way — wishing you the best!
Not understanding relationships is so relatable to me. I’ve been dating the same person for a while now and I still get so confused by stuff, like I brought up a problem I was having thinking she was going to yell and fight with me and she was just so nice about it? Like she felt bad that she hurt my feelings and it was just the weirdest thing.
I’ve been going out and socializing, at least once a month, since I’ve moved, I just struggle with holding conversations and I feel like I’m out of place. But I’m still trying! It’s nice to hear that it does get easier.
@lavenderBlueberry9750 I'm glad socializing has been helping you! It
took me a long time to learn that people actually want to hear what I
have to say when I bring up how they hurt my feelings, but it does
happen -- and I'm glad you have a strong support system in your current
partner. The adulting skills also come with time -- like the other person said above me, my biggest tip is just to have an extremely laid-out calendar. I have some memory issues due to trauma, so I write everything out and have multiple places to write down random things I remember that I have to do. Experiment and find a system that works for you!
Oh my goodness I’m so bad at remembering things too! I find my phone is the easiest place to store all of the random things that pop up in my head and I feel so bad sometimes when I’m around others and I have to tell them to hang on a moment because if I don’t write something down I will forget it immediately.
@lavenderBlueberry9750 Trust me -- when I'm having a conversation with friends, I will sometimes just tell them to stop talking for a second so I can finish a text or write down a to-do thing before I forget it. People definitely understand!
@lavenderBlueberry9750
I have and am still dealing with the effects of my abusive childhood and childhood trauma. Does it get any easier? I wish I knew but I’d be lying if I said anything else other than idk honestly. Maybe we can help each other to try making it easier for both of us???? And I hope it will get easier for you to the point where you will be completely healed and won’t be dealing with any of this anymore bc you deserve way way wayyy more better than this you truly beautiful soul ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Aw thank you! That’s so sweet🥰
@lavenderBlueberry9750
Hii, I can understand how you are feeling in this situation. Struggling with these issues must be difficult for you and also I was facing these issues. I try to use some methods like Try to make friends, be more approachable, try to gather new Information from different resources and try to be more independent. Some times we compare things with others but at the end of day we felt more sad because of comparing. But iam glad you are trying to do things for yourself.