Feeling Unwanted
I honestly consider myself very lucky for the circumstances I grew up in. My parents were married and I never doubted that they loved me. My brothers and I grew up in the country and were very family oriented, I loved my childhood and am truly thankful for it. But now that I’m older (29) everything feels so different. My parents divorced unexpectedly when I was 19 and since then it’s felt like my family died. My brothers and mom and I talk every day via a *** group and we see each other occasionally at holidays, however my dad seems like he has had no interest in me since the divorce (he wasn’t crazy involved before but I always saw him when I would go home from college). My dad wasnt a huge girl dad, but I was never exactly girly, I’ve always been a tom boy and did everything my brothers did and I was always a good kid so I never understood why he just never seemed too interested with me but he spends all sorts of time with my brothers. It’s like my parents are completely different people now, my mom is more like a friend than my mom (which I don’t care for, I want a mom and boundaries) and my dad basically acts like I don’t exist until Christmas or my birthday. He’s not mean, abusive, or a terrible person, it’s just that I feel like I’m an after-thought to him. I wish he would at least call me every now and then just to see what I’m up to. I would try to message him or visit him but he’d be gone or I would try to get him to visit me and he stopped by one time for about 20 minutes in the past 10 years. I went from having a very tight knit family to feeling like an orphan, and I know it’s not at all the same cause they are still living, but the mom and dad I knew died a long time ago they feel like strangers now and it’s uncomfortable. I get so jealous when I see girls with dads who fawn all over them and wish so much that I could have known love like that. I’m happy they get to experience that with their dads, but it’s so hard knowing that you want someone to love you more but there’s nothing you can do to make them. I wish I could have an excuse like he was a bad guy, drugs or abuse or something to make it make sense, but he’s a good person, I just don’t know why he doesn’t want to hang out with me. I know some dads are just like this- but it upsets me how he can spend time with my brothers or my step mom (who she is really sweet and nice and was his high school sweetheart) it just feels like I’m a chapter of his life that closed.
@TheRealAlice96
I'm really sorry that your dad won't give you the time that you would like!
Divorce is tough!
Men sometimes can be clueless though, could you organise a meal or something and invite your dad out, just you and him?
Start small 💜💖
I’ve tried but he’s usually busy, I live about an hour and a half away and stay pretty busy myself so scheduling things is already hard, but after a while I stopped trying to schedule anything because the effort felt one sided and I was getting very tired of feeling let down.
@TheRealAlice96
I'm sorry you are not getting the same energy back that you are putting in 💜
@TheRealAlice96
Hello, my friend. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I can hear how deeply you valued the closeness of your childhood and how painful it feels to watch that sense of family change so drastically. The way you describe your dad's distance, and how it leaves you feeling like an afterthought, carries so much hurt, and it makes sense that you'd feel unwanted when the effort isn't reciprocated.
What you're experiencing isn't about being "bad" or unworthy; it's about longing for connection and care from someone who matters to you. That longing is human, and the ache when it's unmet is real. It doesn't make you childish or weak; it shows how much you value love and presence.
The jealousy you feel when you see other daughters with doting dads is understandable; it's a reminder of what you wish you had, not proof of something wrong with you. And the grief you carry, describing your parents as strangers now, is valid. It's a kind of loss, even if they're still alive.
You are not a closed chapter. You are someone who deserves to be seen, called, cared for, and loved.
Even if your dad struggles to show it in the way you need, your worth isn't defined by his absence.
Your story matters, your feelings matter, and you are not alone in this.
@TheRealAlice96
divorce is hard on all involved. have you been upfront and asked him? Some dads do not feel they have much in common with daughters. Comparing a casual observance of how other daughters/ dads act is also a glimpse in time and maybe a show.
You are mourning a family you thought was great. Kids do not see the big picture.
Parents are people too. maybe you do not see if they were truly unhappy or for how long. Maybe he feels your wishing things had stayed as you described as one happy tight knit family and he feels like he let you down. Some people avoid someone they feel they let down or disappointed.
Do not wait for him to do things to fix this make plans to spend time and tell him how you feel. best case you can smooth things over worst case he tells you things you do not want to hear that challenge your memory of a happy family.
My parents were fine but honestly they just got pregnant at a young age and married. I completely understood their divorce, my mom cheated on my dad, but I knew she was just feeling lonely herself because they didn’t go and do a lot. I was old enough when they divorced to understand that they were adults and sometimes couples just drift apart, and really they probably stayed together as long as they did for us- they never fought or talked mean to each other. I’m not upset that they’re divorced at all, they have happier relationships now, it just doesn’t feel like there’s room for me in their new lives. I go hunting every year with my dad on a certain day but other than that I don’t see him much. I’m big into hunting, farming, working with tools and building things, a lot of I guess you would say “guy hobbies” but my dad just never seems interested to include me when he does any of that stuff. I might get him to come to my step daughters birthday each year, but he doesn’t invite me to anything. Him and my twin brother have a “deer camp” every year at his house and one of his buddies and his daughter go to it and a couple other friends of his and he’s never asked if I wanted to go despite knowing I like to deer hunt. While I was in college, about 3 hours away, neither he or my mom came to visit me once, but they went to see my older brother almost every other weekend who went to school an hour and a half away- I didn’t expect constant visits, but maybe once a semester could have been nice. The one time my dad did come to see me was December of my Junior year, he, my brother, and I went to the farm machinery show there in Louisville and it was so much fun. The next semester I had transferred to a school that was closer to home that I liked better and I thought that we would all go again to it the next year. When it came time for the machinery show again, I only found out about it happening because my brother had posted pictures of them there at it on ***, I wasn’t asked if I wanted to go at all. I guess I only got asked to go the first time because I was already there. My mom came and visited me one time but it was with a bunch of my aunts and cousins to go to a Halloween event they had in town, and she spent the entire time on her phone with the guy she was cheating on my dad with (I think this was just before or just after my dad found out and the divorce started)- I was ignored to the point that several of my aunts and cousins kept apologizing to me and saying they were sorry that my mom had been basically somewhere else the entire time and I just had to tell everyone that it was fine. My father in law has felt more like a dad to me than my dad ever has and ai hate that I feel that way, and I hate that I feel like I will be far more upset when he passes than when my own dad passes. But he actually wants to spend time with me, teach me things, he calls me whenever I have something big going on in my life to congratulate me, and I hate it because I wish that my dad did that.
@TheRealAlice96
It is frustrating and seems to be a pattern. We could guess about many things, but we do not know their reasons / excuses etc. I know I was a no problem type kid and so parents were IMO always paying more attention and time dealing with siblings would were in trouble or something. It was Only when I spoke up for myself, did I get small bits of attention. I found my mentors and support with friend's families.
I am glad you found a substitute in your father-in-law. I think this is a great example of building your own family situation.
