How do I tell my mom I’m moving out (and won’t be her caregiver)?
I need advice on a tough situation with my mom. She recently asked me again about being her caregiver in the future. In the past, I’ve said yes, but this time I told her I’d get back to her when I had less work stress. She pressed me, saying “It’s just yes or no, nothing has changed unless you’re making other plans.”
The truth is, I am making other plans. I’m planning to move out soon with my boyfriend and my son, and I know that means I can’t realistically be her caregiver. I’ve never told her “no” before, and I’m really anxious about her reaction. I feel like she’ll see it as me abandoning her, even though I need to think about my own little family and future.
Has anyone else had to tell a parent you’re moving out and not going to fill the role they expected you to? How did you handle that conversation without it turning into a huge fight? I’d really appreciate advice on both what to say and how to cope with the guilt and fear that come with it.
@Randomweirdo21
You will need to just tell her. You are moving out and creating a new chapter of your life.
this may change some things but who know what happens in a year or two etc.
I don't know if I should or can tell her now. I'm scared. I feel like it is fair for her to ask questions and push for answers but she is trying to push so many legal things onto me right now. I'm scared to talk to her.
@Randomweirdo21
Is it a control thing?
does her feeling you must fulfill these promises and there for you can only do what she approves. Some parents do not like to let go of a grown child i have seen others do all sorts of things to keep child dependent or tied in some way. this says more about her FEAR then yours.
i would not sign legal things unless you have a legal expert look at them ..
promising to be a caregiver later on is a maybe at best ... what happens if you were not able for your own reasons like a illness or injury ? your promise would not happen so why is she pushing it on you. tell her you will see how it goes.
I think it might be a control thing. She had wayyy too many of us (10 kids, I'm number 6). All my older siblings moved out at 18. She keeps calling me her partner and planning the rest of her life with me. I currently pay all her bills (and the other 10 people that live here). It's just too much. I can't handle it anymore. I've tried talking to one of my sisters about it and she asked me "Then who would take care of the little kids" but they are my little siblings not my children.
@Randomweirdo21
you are not alone many families have issues like that.
In fact one good friend was in your shoes this can be tied to the paying of bills......they still resent my friend for not paying their bills now a decade after cutting his parents off ..... and yes your siblings are not your responsibility.
It is hard to break free they will resort to all sorts of things guilt is the biggest one used... they will break you up from any partner and you may need to set strong clear boundaries. you are in for a battle if she does not want you to move on.... she needs help to what she is actually doing. That is really not OK to pretend you are her partner etc.
@toughTiger6481
Should I wait to tell her I'm leaving until I actually am then. So far all my planning has been secretive as I'm scared she will try to stop me and/or guilt me into staying. My boyfriend thinks I should wait until the month of the move to tell her. I'm planning on moving in November/December ish.
@toughTiger6481
Should I wait to tell her I'm leaving until I actually am then. So far all my planning has been secretive as I'm scared she will try to stop me and/or guilt me into staying. My boyfriend thinks I should wait until the month of the move to tell her. I'm planning on moving in November/December ish.
@Randomweirdo21
Tell her when it is a solid plan.. and you can give a firm date.
There WILL be blow back and her trying whatever she can to stop you. I am sad when i here kids trying to be good and supportive get taken advantage of by a parent. did your other siblings who left give any notice ? what does your BF think? you need to be a team to avoid the guilt trip and/ or trying to break you so you move home.
it is a delicate balance of letting her know so she can plan on what is next and not giving her time to sabotage you.
@toughTiger6481
My older siblings that left did so when I was too little to remember. The other 2 that I remember leaving both moved in with there dad over summer vacation and I don't know how well it was communicated with my mom. My boyfriend thinks I should give her as little notice as possible because every other time I've attempted to move out she's talked me into coming back/staying. The biggest difference between then and now is I have a child of my own that I need to protect and provide for. I want to reach out to my older siblings for support but worry they will repeat it back to people who could tell my mom.
@toughTiger6481
@toughTiger6481
Find the balance. Its all about a balanced diet in food then why not in life? A little bit more you are drowned in illness. A little bit less you are weak.
Dont care for the rest of the 10 people its not your job. But your mother is your job. Dont give up on her.
I wish it were that simple. 2 of them are my mom's minor children. My mom won't let me just take care of her. She comes in a package deal with 9 people.
I think you should tell her, so she can prepare for it or something before it actually happens.
Its your life, your family. I think she will understand even tho it will be hard, shes still your mother. One of the very closest people. But you’re mother now yourself.
One thing ends, other starts. She will have to understand, and accept it in the end.
Sending lot of love and support!! -air hug-
It will be hard. Both for you and her. And that's okay, changes is always painful at the start. I also have troubles with saying no overall and my mum is very over-demanding with me because of her mental illness. One thing that my therapist said to me is: "Parents are supposed to let their kids go, not hold them back or try to bring them back. It also works like this in nature." I found it very comforting, so I hope it might help you too.
As for advice, I understand why people are suggesting you should tell her, but I'm siding with your boyfriend on this. I think if you are aware of the guilt-tripping and have history of it working, you should protect yourself and say it at a later date. You can tell her that you won't be signing anything for now and have to think. She will try to manipulate and you know that. But that also means you can get ready for it, using past experiences with her. You have to choose yourself and your happiness first and I can tell you have already decided who your priority is. In dark times, try to remember who you are also doing it for. I wish you a lot strength.
@Randomweirdo21Hello! 💫