In a glass case of emotions & sometimes a lack of
Hello. I'm Yap. Im a single parent (by choice), to a child I was told I would never have, & that I almost died with while bringing them into this world. Understanding this would probably be a once in a lifetime experience for me, I sought to make it the best experience for both of us.
My child grew up very close to me; fully understanding I'm their mom & not their best friend. They still treated me like I was & were always excited to share every thought that occured to them. Strangers would actually admire how close we were, & some would even judge that we were too close for understanding how one another thought.
Despite my best efforts, my child went through *** most of their life. Situations mainly happened in their educational environments, with authority figures linked to their educational environments & with medical professionals. Many others just happened to be within our living environment, like with angry people who've made life threatening remarks or randomly attacked them in the streets. I don't like to disclose their personal information out of respect, but I'll say any adult enduring what they have, would've taken it to the news, probably be in jail for retaliating, have people put in jail, &/or wouldn't have a problem bc the problems would have just.... disappeared.
All these experiences changed my child. They went from being the happiest, most creative & authentic child in existence, to someone I barely recognize. We can barely go several hours without them attempting to attack me, in any way possible. Why? They blame me for all they endured. Their logic is that I knew how messed up the world was, especially for children, & I still brought them into it. That I "allowed" these things to happen to them & didn't do something about it. Despite seeing police harass me, on a near daily basis just for coming to their school(s) after being called to pick them up, seeing those who caused them suffering band together to taunt me about the suffering they caused, & hearing/seeing the smear campaigns that came around as a result of my attempts at legally fighting them, my child hates me.
I accept their hate bc at this time I don't think they know what to do with it all.
We've tried therapy for years & honestly, after catching 1 therapist in a lie, it makes it difficult to work with one. Getting multiple liars & people with some serious instability issues, makes it almost impossible to get any results.
I am brutally honest. That might sound cruel but I tell things as it is bc I believe in holding people accountable, including myself. My child is aware they are being abusive. They are aware of the consequences society will give based off of the actions they choose to take during their constant episodes of rage & yet they don't care. In regard to their behaviors, It was explained that a person wouldn't choose to be a good person if they see its mainly terrible people who keep winning. I dont want that for my child but that is definitely where its headed.
So, why am I sharing all this? I am at a loss. I've never been one to tolerate abuse & would rarely try to address things where people were intentionally rude bc people know what they do. I've removed myself from family members & ended decades long friendships at the sight of a Mr. Hyde. I've always been very comfortable being alone (despite being a social butterfly), due to refusing to compromise on my inner peace. I can't leave my child alone though.
I am reaching out to any parent/caregiver who might be able to understand this *** & possibly give some advice. I know what awaits them in Juvi, foster care & residental inpatient programs. I can't bring myself to do that to them bc I know they won't make it. Even if they do, its not going to help them.
@yapyap
I really admire your honesty and the way you poured your heart out. I can hear the pain in your words and I'm so sorry that you are going through this, and the supports seem to be of no use at all. I can clearly see that you love your child but are running out of options and you cannot continue as you are because you don't deserve it but neither do you want your child to be sent away. I genuinely hope that you find the help that you need and Id recommend reaching out to some of the therapists here and those who specialise in behavioural issues and that you find the support you so desperately need 💜
@Amanda84 Thank you for your kind words. It really does mean a lot. I appreciate your advice too.
@yapyap A genuine pleasure 💕
@yapyap
Hi, yapyap,
Thank you for demonstrating courage and sharing your dilemma about asking for help with what appears to be an incredibly difficult and thorny current relationship not only with how society has treated both you and your child, but also current abusive actions by your child that you are afraid will land them in juvi, foster care or a residential inpatient program. To have reached out when you are used to handling everything by yourself was a brave move.
Since I don’t know the exact age of your child, I’ll speak generally about a sort of loose flow chart I would think of given the problem as you presented it. Top priority is to “put your own oxygen mask on” and make sure you yourself are protected and cared for, recognizing that your life is enmeshed with your child, and you care about protecting them.
I would suggest ruling out a medical basis for your child’s acting out behavior. There are a surprising number of diagnoses and tweaks that can be made to the environment and/or diet, or dietary supplementation, or medications, that could possibly make a difference in your child’s behaviors.
After ruling out something medical, I might consider small group counseling with you and your child, but you have indicated that you already had a negative experience with this, so I could understand if this is not something you’re ready to try just now.
Since it seems to be abusive behavior you wish would change, and I feel a sort of urgency in your passage, I wonder if a consultation with someone who observes behaviors and offers tips to try so that each of you could engage in more cooperative actions with each other and in other environments, might be helpful.
Developing a sort of community around the both of you, a safety net, might be something to consider. For example, figuring out a teacher at school who might resonate or care about your child and asking them for more targeted advice, might yield surprising and fresh results. Also, clubs or classes in the community that nurture some unique interests of your child might help them express parts of their personality that can relieve by giving an outlet for some of the anger that leads to abusive actions. Classes or activities that involve physical movement, such as dance, cheer, running, or others, can provide a way to let off steam.
Taking care of your own self by talking with another parent, reaching out towards a group sharing opportunity, as on this website through a “Sharing Circle,” is another idea that might help with some of the understandable isolation you are feeling. There are many online as well as in person opportunities for interaction and bonding that you could explore. If it’s an extreme case, then intervention may be necessary so you and your child can be safe.
The search to find out who your child is and how to encourage and facilitate them becoming their best self, is a lifelong journey, but I will attest that with patience, seeking solutions to problems as they come up daily, and tending to your own need for safety, wellness, wholeness and joy, your child will respond. Hopefully.
Please let us know what you end up trying. You know your situation best. I wish you both well.
Love and Courage,
Calm Rosebud
