Need advice
Hello everyone, first time poster here. I just wanted input about my situation. I've been married to my husband for 13 years now. We got married after months of dating each other. Like any other other marriage, we have been through many ups and many downs. What I've wanted to highlight is about his children from his previous relationship. I've come to accept his children over the years even though I was the person who did not want someone with children back then when I was single and the fact that I had to endure whatever the crazy ex was doing to us. He brought them over to Canada from the Bahamas right after I gave birth to my first son in 2014. His ex finally told him to get the children because she could not find anyone to help look after them years after everybody in the family told her to send them to Canada to my husband, so that they could have a chance of a better life etc. Ever since they came to stay with us, I've been helping my husband to process his kids' papers so that they could stay in the country. We did not get any legal help (which now I think we should have long time ago) with their papers and now the canadian immigration is getting messier with long delays. We have to wait at least another 2 - 3 years for them to get PR status. My husband already applied for the citizenship last year but it got denied as they were not sponsored. Now, my husband is desperate for them to get citizenship because he wants to travel and he says the only way to speed things up is for me to adopt them legally because I'm canadian. My mother in law came to up yesterday and told me the same thing, help them get their citizenship ASAP. It's not like I don't want to help, adoption is a significant thing for me. I've been helping the kids with many things, I've stepped up to be their mother through all these years when their own mother is pretty much deadbeat. But I feel like it's a big thing of my husband and mother in law to ask of me and I'm not mentally prepared to go through years of processing papers when I have been through that already since 2015! I have nothing against his kids, they're good kids. Maybe because of same personal issues that I have with my husband, I'm thinking twice. On top of all that, I don't want to feel pressured to something this big. Is what I feel pretty valid or am I being just an awful person for thinking twice?
@GloriousJag7669
I think you are completely justified to want to think this over and do not feel people should not make a move like this if they have any doubt.
Maybe there is another route and speaking to a lawyer or researching options even if it seems this is faster way.
@toughTiger6481 thank you for your input, I've already done some research for options.
The real question is how do you feel about your husband and your relationship in general? The main reason why I would be on the fence about a decision like this is if I doubted my relationship or if I was scared that there would be a chance that one day I would be solely responsible for the children and want to back out but being unable to do so. Do you trust your partner? Are you happy with your current situation? If you are unhappy with your relationship or think that you one day may want to leave, that would be a lot to ask. It's a lot to ask of someone who is on the fence but if you were head over heels for the kids and were super content in your relationship it would take consideration but it likely wouldn't be that big of a deal. Your feelings are valid. Whatever they are. There is no right or wrong answer. The only answer that matters is what you know deep down is best for you.
@orangeAvocado2851 thank you for your input. My husband and I do not have a perfect marriage, we have a lot of up and down moments. You're right, I'm thinking twice due to how I feel right now in my marriage, might have to work on us first before making a big decision.
@GloriousJag7669 not a awful person at all💖 it's a very big thing and I think if your husband casually brought it up without asking would be ok, but it's not ok that they both asked you to do this🙁 if you and your husband are having some issues they do needed to be sorted out first, you don't want to be left to look after your baby and the other kids. Gives you a giant tiny hug 💖 we are here to support you through any decision s you choose💖💖
@Tinywhisper11 you're so sweet, thank you so much for your reply. If you need someone to talk to, just reach out to me as well.
@GloriousJag7669 💖💖💖💖
Adoptee here. I think your view points and concerns are 100000% valid and having and one suggest you adopting children out of convenience is not the proper reason adopt. In fact it’s technically fraud. They have a mother. How would she feel about this? How would the children feel about this? An adoption is more than just paperwork. It’s so much more, it’s loss of a family, loss of connection, loss of culture, loss of identity… I’m not saying you shouldn’t if you want too but if you do this is a much bigger conversation.
Hey, thank you for your input on this... to answer your questions - yes, they do have a mother, but she has no contact with them whatsoever since my husband brought them to live with us. She still stayed in touch with my husband's cousin, not once she ever asked about them. This could be a whole another story, but she basically neglected them since birth. Both of my stepchildren has learning difficulties and one of them is autistic. She never bothered to tell my husband that they have developmental problems or acknowledged that they have these issues. When she still had them, she asked for money almost every week - that's all she cared about. As for the children themselves, they barely asked about her. I feel that they already considered me as their mother already, adopted or not. I do completely agree with your points about loss of family, connection etc. It's a very complicated matter.