Managing Guilt over Caregiving Decision
My brother and I made the decision to place my mother in a nursing home in our hometown.. She is 95.
She lived alone after her husband died, but began falling. She lived very far from us, due to her re-marriage. When she fell and was hospitalized we found she had dementia as well.
We tried to keep her in her home, as she wanted, but couldn't sustain being there, away from our homes for extended periods of time. We didn't want to leave her with strangers by herself in another.city either.
Now, she is unhappy and angry and I feel we didn't try hard enough to help keep her in her home. But I also know we couldn't care for her in her home and she turned down offers to live with me. How do I move forward in a positive way knowing Mom is depressed over what we had to do?
@Elsie73
Hi--from what you've shared, I can understand why you made the choice to put her in a nursing home in order to safeguard her health.
- She has dementia
- She was falling (to the point of needing hospitalization)
- She was living by herself without anyone caring for her
- She was too far away from you to be able to help her
So ultimately, it felt like she was in a vulnerable situation where she wasn't able to take care of herself and it would be safest for her to be in a nursing. Also I imagine it alleviated a lot of potential anxiety/guilt about having something happen to her if you left her by herself.
However, it sounds like she's unhappy about that decision and resentful that she isn't able to live in her home anymore. Possibly she feels like this living situation was forced on her against her will, she's lost some of her freedom, and she'd prefer to live the way she wants even if it might cause her to be less safe or die sooner as a result.
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I can't say what the right choice is, but I feel like both sides of that dilemma are worthy of respect:
- 1) caring for her health/safety
- 2) respecting her wishes/agency and having her live with as much quality of life as possible for the remaining years that she's alive.
If her dementia isn't at an advanced stage and she's lucid enough that you're able to discuss this with her, I'm wondering if it might be worthwhile to talk through this with her, express both sides of the issue (both yours and hers), and ask her what she wants to do. If she has a desire to live by herself, some questions that come to mind for me are:
- 1) Does she feel so adamantly about living by herself that she would be okay with it possibly causing her to die sooner or be isolated while she is going through health complications?
- 2) Does she understand how you'd feel if something were to happen to her while she is living by herself?
- 3) Are there other possible living arrangements that she might enjoy more than the nursing home where she would still be able to have someone looking after her (e.g. hiring a private nurse/caregiver)?
[Disclaimer: I'm in my 30s so I haven't had to deal with this kind of situation yet. If anything I've suggested feels like rubbish, you can and should ignore it and trust yourself. 😊]