Manipulation or independence?
I have been helping care for my bf’s dad for a while. We found out he has congestive heart failure a few weeks ago, and now I’m caring for him full time (on top of my ft job) Today, he asked me to plug something in for him. I didn’t plug it in the spot he wanted. He promptly let me know. When I didn’t immediately jump up to fix it, he tried to do it himself and ended up falling over and hurting himself. I feel guilty.. but at the same time I feel like he just wants me to do things for him, just because. All day long he makes a list of things he wants from me. He asks me to complete his laundry list every 30 mins. It’s exhausting. Most days I stay up with him most of the night, and he wakes me up at 3:30 am to make him coffee. Then he wants a fully cooked breakfast at 5:30. After that it’s something every 30 mins. Most days I don’t even have time to eat my breakfast until I’ve already made him 2 full meals and multiple snacks. If I don’t do what he wants when he wants it, he does it himself and gets hurt. Idk what to do. I’m utterly exhausted. He doesn’t really appreciate what we are trying to do for him. Yesterday I told him that he shouldn’t have sausage again this week, because it’s not good for him. So he drove himself to the store, bought sausage, came home and cooked and ate it... yet he calls me every 30 mins to put ice in his water and plug in his phone and a million little things like that. I just don’t understand. Is he manipulating me? Or is he just really stubborn? I’m reaching me wits end 🥲
@jojojolin
Well that is quite the difficult situation you have.. :( I am so sorry... I don't think anyone could really know if he is manipulating you or just stubborn except the man himself. I really don't like to hear someone being treated that way and I think those situations are really hard because if you don't do what they want they will go and do it themselves and there's that constant cycle of you having to do what they want because you care and feel the guilt because you also can't just let them do things themselves. It is emotionally exhausting cause you remind yourself no they will get hurt so I should do it but also I have my own life and myself to deal with as well.
Has he been seeing a doctor or some specialist for his heart condition? Does your boyfriend not help enough or have you discussed with him? I think it is not fair for him to treat you like that and am quite amazed you have been doing those kinds of things for him such as the meals and early early morning coffee... you work full time and you don't get to eat yourself... you should think about long-term perspective as well because you definitely need some time and energy towards your own health otherwise you're will be detiorating just so you can help someone else and that is not healthy :/ I hope you can find some solution or have some honest conversation with yourself and him on this because I don't want you to explode one day.
Wish you the best - feel free to chat me up but we're all rooting for you. Stay strong and be good to yourself <3
Thank you so much for you kind words 💜 My bf has bipolar and depression, he tries to help as much as he can, but he has to be careful to not over do it. His dad has been in and out of the hospital a few times this year already 😔 he’s seeing a specialist soon. The prognosis isn’t great. I’m not sure that he will ever be able to care for himself again.
@jojojolin
It sounds as if you are taking responsiblity for another family. I hear you say you are dating someone so they need care and have their own needs. Now you are having to take care of his fathers needs because your boyfriend cannot care for his parent or himself. Do you feel as if your needs aren't important to the other two people? Was this an agreement made at the beginning? Are you in a role of being paid as a caretaker or is this something you have elected to do?
I imagine if you aren't happy with the situation you could explain these things to your boyfriend as well as your boyfriends parent? Perhaps there could be a renogiation of terms? Maybe even all three of you sitting down together, discussing what you are willing to do and what it is you are not as well as time to have your own personal needs met.