Mentally Exhausted
I am always in a state of hyper vigilance, I ruminate every conversation. I see patterns in people and my nervous system always feels in high alert. I read people beyond what they show me on the surface. I read situations which are usually correct. I come from a family of users, my mom displays histrionic and narcissistic traits and she lacks boundaries.
It affects me even when I remove myself from the family. She had set sights on my fiance and she finds him attractive, she is highly manipulative and it’s affected my relationship. Now she wants what I have (like she does with anyone in our family) it’s harmed my mind and I can’t separate. I can’t connect with my fiance anymore, now she wants him I feel like I don’t.
I have seen things play out with other family members with her so I stayed single for 14 years after she ruined my first relationship. Even though my fiance has done no wrong, he has a problem with setting boundaries and I see threats all the time in everything.
I also was r*ped by her nephew whilst I was asleep years ago. This wwe after my mom had been making obscene accusations against her sisters. I felt like he hurt me because she hurt his mom. She’s betrayed me time and time again, telling lies about what happened to me. She harms everyone she comes into contact with.
she has also tried to ruin my only relationship I have with my cousin (who I consider as my big brother) accusing him of being inappropriate with my daughter (which is completely untrue as I have spoken with both of them) what my mom does is so damaging. I know I have cptsd and I’m currently working with a therapist.
my mind is so broken and I don’t know what to dos I avoid everything in life now, I don’t go out. I don’t see my fiance in person. I don’t trust anything anymore and I feel like it would be better for those close to me that I wasn’t around anymore
It’s showing a reply to the thread but I can’t see it
@EarthySage
What a impressive story. Do you have a plan of action? Maybe you have any questions or requests.
I wish I had a plan of action as it would help my mind. I don’t know what to do as it’s affected me in such a bad way. I need help
@EarthySage
What help?
If you feel you need help, you should ask for defenetly.
I don’t like how you said my story was impressive. I wasn’t sharing here to impress anyone. I was looking for some kind of support, advice or help. How can I ask for something specific when I’m struggling to cope every day. That is why I posted here for some help and understanding. I thought this place was for mental health help
@EarthySage
Sorry, ma'am, I didn't mean to offend you, but your story resonated with me, and that's my problem, not yours. It might not resonate with someone else; people perceive the world around them differently.
And then, any help, one way or another, begins with a story. I read yours and, without your asking, asked if you needed help. Of course, you do, but what kind. I admit you can't formulate it yet, but that's okay, the main thing is to start.
Write, speak up; it's unlikely anyone here intends to offend you, rather the opposite.
The good thing is that everyone here has their own stories; otherwise, they're unlikely to come here.
@EarthySage
Hi, welcome to 7 Cups 💜 Sorry to hear about the situation you're in, the past sexual assault, and the way that your mom has been trying to ruin all of the other relationships in your life.
In response to the last sentence, if you ever feel like you're at risk of seriously harming yourself, this page has a list of some resources:
https://www.7cups.com/crisis
I'm glad you're working with a therapist, and C-PTSD sounds like it fits in terms of the long-term impact of being in a chronically unsafe/abusive situation for years.
Want to say that it makes sense that you'd be hypervigilant when there's a pretty psychologically hazardous person in your immediate vicinity (your mom) and things really don't feel safe. Hypervigilance is a very stressful/unpleasant response--and then the aftermath of that is burnout/exhaustion because your body can only be in fight-or-flight for so long before it runs out of energy. That response is probably automatic and might overgeneralize sometimes (i.e. not everyone around you is as unsafe/bad as your mom). But if you're around your mom a lot or if there's an ongoing risk of her influencing and damaging everything in your life, then it makes total sense that you'd be anxious about that. It's a pretty realistic response to a very difficult situation where there are good reasons to feel worried.
This might not be something to push on immediately if you're just trying to stabilize, but I wonder how much your fiance knows about your mom and your C-PTSD and whether he's willing/able to work together with you to protect your relationship from your mom. Right now I'm hearing that you're trying to distance from her, she's still attempting to affect your life (through your fiance), and I'm not sure if he's on the same page or fully understands what's happening.
Thank you, I think my state of mind always goes into protect like a default.
i have distanced myself from my mom because it’s the only choice i have, she affects everything badly. In the past year she has put my rape out there in her words to family members, lied to my face when I have asked her and she said no. She has never confronted the ***, just used what happened to hurt her sister. She also lied about details with what happened to me.
My aunt (other sister not his mom) confronted the *** and he said that we were both off our heads and insinuated that I was a participant of my rape. My aunt then went to the family and told that story. She told me herself when I called her for some help with my mom. I was devastated at what she told me. I was broken at the fact that she believed him enough to tell other people and never called me. I explained what had actually happened and she was apologetic.
What makes me feel numb inside now is that he has previously done things of this nature to woman in the family. The rest of us were never warned. He sent explicit content to two of my aunts also so they are aware of what he was capable of. He also raped his stepmother, she went to the police and took him to court but he got away with what he did. He claimed he has been abused by her as a child. He also has raped vulnerable woman who our family know. He sexually assaulted my friend, she was too scared to tell me as she thought I’d never believe her.
This monster has done all of this and my life is obliterated. I feel like I have this stain on me that won’t go. I feel betrayed, I don’t trust anyone. I scan for danger all the time, I can’t sleep because of the nightmares. I literally read people and their intentions all the time like I’m predicting the future from patterns. I self harm now, I’m angry all the time but feel dead inside. I feel sometimes like I have a personality disorder because of the family I was born into. Childhood neglect. Narcissist drug taking man addict destructive mother, malignant controlling, calculating, violent, dominating, domineering dad. My childhood was non existent
I need help to get my mind together, I can’t even go out alone to do simple things because I become so overwhelmed I feel like I could attack someone and hurt them. I don’t know what to do.
yes I have been working in therapy but it has been stopped and I am now back on the waiting list. I keep spiralling
sorry if I offended anyone
@EarthySage
Your story touches my nerve.
In my perspective you defenetly need help, and you should ask for, then you get it. Any thoughts about what kind of help you need?
You can act in several directions at once: talk here, find a Listener in a special section on this site, find a specialist. Simply find a kindred spirit friend or friends, which is often underestimated.
@EarthySage
Wow, that's so much worse than I initially understood it to be. I can't imagine the anger and hopelessness that must come from watching this one monstrous person go rampant and sexually assault so many people all in the same orbit, there being zero consequences for him, and having to fight just to be believed and taken seriously about what is/was happening.
It's like the worst thing in the world is happening, and nobody acknowledges it. You see the truth but nobody else does... that's what would make me desperately angry/anxious and feel super-isolated.
It makes the world feel really dangerous if everyone is either monstrous (e.g. the guy, your mom) or misunderstanding things and failing to do anything to stop the monsters (e.g. your aunt initially).
I'm really sorry all of that's been happening. There's no easy fix for the world being awful. I do hope you're able to make your way up the waiting list and somehow get back into therapy. I'm glad to hear that you've been somewhat able to distance from your mom.
I hope that posting here at least helps in terms of being able to share your story and be taken seriously. 💜
***
In terms of things that might help with the overwhelm and managing intense feelings, sharing a couple things that might be applicable:
TIPP - set of powerful skills from DBT that basically alter your body chemistry and help with calming down:
https://www.7cups.com/forum/personalitydisorders/Resources_2667/Module2DistressToleranceDiscussion3TIPP_267221/
Masterpost that has some broader information about a bunch of different DBT skills. The ones associated with distress tolerance are probably going to be most helpful/relevant:
https://www.7cups.com/forum/personalitydisorders/Resources_2667/DBTuesdayMasterpost_274756/
