Any advice?
I'm going back to school soon which is probably a month..
Hi, I'm a 16 years old, hyper feminine transman. I struggle with ADHD, autistic spectrum, depression, OSDD, BPD and C-PTSD.
A few months ago, I had a conflict with one of my peers, I remember only a little.. she raised her voice and told me something that caused self doubt and blaming. I remember shutting down after that. It caused me to distance myself from all of my friends and go deeper into sh addiction. Soon enough, I attempted.. it failed. My school knows. My (old) friends knows. I panic at the thought of going to school, being inside crowds, and just making eye contactw with anyone. I felt abandoned. I don't know what's wrong with me.. I feel like it's my fault but at the same time it's not. I asked for help. I really did. My teacher didn't help nor did my classmate that I was close to.
Recently, I keep getting flashbacks of happy memories of my (old) friends, their smiles, their words, our moments together. I cry at night knowing I ruined everything. I always ruin my friendships. I either hurt them or myself. It's like I'm bound to be alone when all I ever wanted in life was a best friend that would never say no to playing games and hanging out with me. It hurts me so much. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I'm scared. It's all overwhelming..
@DoveryGuy
Dear Beloved,
I feel your pain as you struggle with ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, depression, OSDD, BPD, and C-PTSD.
It is not wise to increase our suffering by harming ourselves. Do more of what brings you relief, not the opposite.
I feel sad to know that you panic at the thought of going to school, being in crowds, making eye contact with anyone, or feeling abandoned.
You are not at fault. I feel sad that you did not receive the help you were expecting. You are not responsible for ruining your friendships. Please do not blame yourself. You said yourself that you know it is not your fault. Please do not hurt yourself.
I truly hope that you find the best friend you desire soon. It hurts me to know that you are hurting so much.
Spend time around people. Do not isolate yourself. Join activities to increase your chances of making friends.
Yes, feeling alone can be overwhelming.
I appreciate your sympathy but harming myself really does bring relief for me. I don't find anything else as a good replacement.. and for spending time around people, that's difficult for me more than any words can describe. I'm pretty anti-social. It's sad how much hatred I have for fellow human beings after being hurt so many times in the past. Interacting with other people heighten my heart rate to a dangerous pace and increases my anxiety a lot.
