Betrayed by a close friend after opening up and now I feel isolated and overwhelmed

I (27F) have been struggling with anger, intrusive thoughts, and resurfacing trauma after a close friend’s recent emotional betrayal. Following my breakup last September, I lost not only my partner but also the future we were building, which devastated me. I’ve been diagnosed with MDD, GAD, social anxiety, and C-PTSD from past sexual and emotional abuse, and I’ve been seeing a therapist. After the breakup, I became suicidal, dissociated, and hyper-sexual.

Through therapy, I realized my relationship involved narcissistic abuse, leading to deep self-doubt. I relapsed into self-harm, psychedelics, and experienced flashbacks to my past SA after consensual encounters, leaving me feeling hollow. I leaned on my best friends, “P” (26M) and “J” (26M), even if I often felt anxious about being a burden.

P and I, friends for nearly a decade, had boundary issues—while I was fine with jokes, I asked him not to joke about painful experiences after he called me “stupid” for my relationship, even though he had initially supported me. We were great after that, but when I opened up to him about what I shared above (after he encouraged me to)—particularly my shame with the hyper-sexuality and SA, he called me a “***.” Weeks later, he sent a meme about “perverted women,” referencing what I had shared. His apology left me more hurt than at peace, even though he acted like it was up to me to decide on things, and since then, we’ve barely spoken. When we saw each other at a group hangout, he acted like nothing happened, making me question if he ever valued our friendship.

Since then, I’ve isolated myself, battling anger, anxiety, shame, and suicidal and violent thoughts. I’ve thought about cutting contact with everyone if things worsen, but I feel guilty about how it would affect my family and some friends. It’s been a month since P’s betrayal, and I’m emotionally overwhelmed. I want to reach out for closure and peace, but I fear losing my self-respect. 

Meanwhile, J has been distant due to personal stress, but is aware of the situation with P, made small efforts to check in. He suggested we meet but avoided fully addressing the situation with P. I later found out J and P hung out with the group without inviting me. While I understand P might not want to see me, it hurt to feel excluded, especially after J said I was missed but was not extended an invitation, and stopped responding when I reached out. This has worsened my social anxiety and left me torn between wanting to reconnect and fearing I’ll lose my self-respect—and the friends I miss, who seem unaware of what happened, as P holds the group together.