How much do you expect from your friends in terms of emotional support?
Hi everyone, hope you're all doing well :) This is my first post here, I apologise for the length of it. Any advice to the following would be greatly appreciated.
How do you handle being the supportive friend but not getting it back much in return?
How much do you expect from your friends in terms of emotional support?
Context:
For years my role in my friendship group has seemed to be the 'counsellor'. I'm the one they go to when things go wrong and they need advice. They've always said how good I am at giving advice and listening, and I've always prided myself on that because I feel like I'm doing some good.
But now I'm going through a tough time that is ongoing (my mom fell ill suddenly last summer. She's thankfully ok but still in hospital and sadly her recovery is taking longer than expected. I've taken on everything at home and in the family and it's been full on. Life has changed dramatically and i dont know if it will ever be the same again).
My friends will ask how I'm doing etc but the conversation moves on quickly. I'm not ready to stop talking about it but it feels like they just ask how are you to check the box to say they've asked. Then they all talk about their problems in person and in our whatsapp group and there's big deep conversations about it back and forth conversation, but when it comes to mine, it seems like they don't want to linger on it much, so completely change the subject or just plain ignore it over text. They're mostly in happier times, wedding planning and once in a lifetime holidays, and I love hearing about that. It gives me a distraction and a reminder that not everything in life is bad. I don't want to fall out with them but it hurts cos it's starting to cause resentment within me that they don't seem to want to hear too much about my life, like the negative will rub off on them or something. It makes me not want to share anything cos I feel like im being too intense or overbearing even though ive barely said anything. They're the only ones I share this stuff with because usually I would talk with my mum in more depth but I can't at the minute and I feel like I need to be strong for everyone else. I just know that God forbid if they go through anything like this in the future, I'll be there for them and the others will too and it just makes me wonder why they don't seem to offer the same support to me. I understand that everyone has their own stuff going on but I just don't want any more negative feelings. It just makes me feel more down and lack confidence within myself. I don't look forward to meeting/speaking with them anymore cos I feel like I have to put on a front, paint a smile on my face and keep most of it in and I feel like I'm constantly doing that at home/family/work already.
Thank you in advance.
@lavenderlullaby4
I feel that in general we are not taught to be supportive other then a "like" or heart or other emoji ....social media distanced us not bringing us together. many people are lonely because we think friends are something we have in a virtual world only.
Some people are doing exactly as you said ................checking the box ............that they asked how you are and not much more.... as you must know.............. it is harder to say the right thing........ be involved then it is to just switch subjects and only follow happy news and situations.
when you were the advice giver and counselor of group what would you have said or done if another was in your shoes? sometimes we have to be our own support / cheerleader and advisor.
i have now limited friends who have a short or limited capacity to be there for me when needed but always expect me to be there for them....
@toughTiger6481
Thank you for your reply. You're so right about how differently we interact these days, it has definitely impacted how we communicate for better and for worse.
I especially like your idea of reframing the situation as if it was someone else going through it. I never thought about it that way, what a great perspective! Thank you! Do you find that helps that you too?
I'm sorry to hear that, that sounds so tough and challenging too. To feel the pressure and expectation to be there for people, but feel you also have to set a boundary in order to respect your own tolerance. I hope you yourself are doing okay.
