Looking for ways to make friends while having social anxiety.
Hello, I am new to this app because I realized that I'm almost 30 and the only friends I have are my spouse's or their wives.
I'm not good at making friends. I try, I really do. The friends I've had don't want the same things out of the friendship that I do. I want to be able to connect with someone and us be able to share what we need to and both receive the support we need. My friendships have always been one sided, where I've given the support and advice and had to take steps back to reassess the relationship. Which usually results in me growing distant because I feel used when it's not reciprocated. I've recently made growth, where I now ask the friend if I'm doing anything wrong in their eyes that makes them not feel connected or anything else that might hinder the friendship.
I enjoy my spouse's friends (friends and their wives), I really do. But I cannot talk to them about my spouse without feeling like they are going to tell their spouse and then it gets back to mine. My spouse and I have an open and honest communication, we tell each other everything that we need to and make sure that it's done in a way to not make each other defensive. But sometimes I just need to vent that my spouse said or did something dumb and small (not things that I want him to change, just the little things that comes with being in a relationship with someone). We (my spouse and I) are always the ones people come to for advice because we have worked really hard to make our relationship work and have taken our relationship from hardly any communication to the open and honest policy that we have.
I guess I'm just looking for ways to find someone who wants the kind of friendship that I do. I have pretty bad social anxiety when it comes to conversations in person, and that's something I'm working on, but I know that going out in public to talk to people is how you make friends.
@spudsmcguffi1234 it sounds like you're in an awkward situation where you enjoy being around your spouse's friends, but can't fully connect to them, because they're not "your" friends. I can totally relate to this weird dynamic. Would you feel uncomfortable hanging out with them exclusively, even if your partner was ok with that? Or is the issue more that you need to work on your own friendships?
Also, I noticed you said that conversations in person are difficult for you. It's great that you're working on that. It may be helpful to consider, how did you develop your relationship with your partner? Not to diminish your anxiety in any way, but it is clear that you have some social skills. :)
I have hung out with them by myself and there's nothing wrong with that. We do have a good time and conversation is easy with them. I think I just want friends separate from them, I get along with them and there's never anything awkward about the conversation it flows well when it's just me and another person talking.
My problem with conversation is usually in a group setting. I should have been more specific, I am not good at asserting myself into a conversation to add to it. I don't like to interrupt people and I'm not fast enough to get what I want to say through the small gap between people. My husband has been helping me by noticing that I want to say something and helping create an opening for me to put my input in. With close friends and family he'll just say that I want to talk.
@spudsmcguffi1234
You describe your situation very clearly!
When you say your friendships are one-sided because you’re good at giving advice, and your friends don’t reciprocate … is that because sometimes you give them advice about people who are in the group?
It’s great you have a solid relationship with your husband, and I appreciate you not wanting to vent and potentially embarrass him, so perhaps a place like 7Cups can help: there’s a general community here that is very caring and supportive, there are also trained listeners who volunteer their time and are there for you, and for more serious concerns, there are therapists who you can hire from the 7Cups directory.
If I’ve missed something in my understanding of your situation, I apologize, and I would be happy to try to understand better … or if you’d like to discuss anything further please post another message.
I hope you have found this helpful—Welcome to 7Cups!
It's usually just relationship advice, but I'm all about seeing it from everyone's perspective so it's never a bashing thing or anything like that. I try to say something helpful while also trying to get them to see why the situation might be happening other than it's blanks fault. When it comes to the group, I might be too neutral. And maybe they are looking for a more personal answer. I should ask that. It could definitely be that they don't like my advice, and when I ask, they don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me so. That is definitely something that I should think about going forward. I'm also not afraid to tell them that they have added to the situation and they probably don't like that I have told them that.
@spudsmcguffi1234
I do see that you mean well and are trying to be helpful.
Like you said, there might be times when your friends are looking for a more personal answer than you give them or if they don’t like your answer, they don’t want to hurt your feelings … these miscommunications happen. It looks like you’ve given a lot of thought to this situation. Hopefully things will go smoother with your friends going forward!
Im just 31 now. So we both are same age group. Dont worry im here to listen you without judging you❤️
Just keep calm. I will try to help you too
Im just 31 now. So we both are same age group. Dont worry im here to listen you without judging you❤️
Just keep calm. I will try to help you too
Same here my friends are my kids
Same here my friends are my kids