Preventing Uncomfortable Conversations

I had a wonderful long weekend when my best friend from college, who I will call V, and his wife came to town to celebrate our recent birthdays. But V started conversations over topics that I don’t enjoy discussing casually.

The first topic was over a friend named P who I did church with and introduced him to V. V still keeps in touch with P on social media, but I have disconnected from P after both of us left that church and he pressured me to join another one when I was not ready and also developed new mental illness symptoms in response to the involvement with that church. At the time I left college 7 years ago, P, who was 25 at the time married a woman nearly 8 years younger than him after dating for only 3 months. This made me furious because of the age difference and the pressure I felt at the time to find a spouse in my mid 20s. However, singleness doesn’t bother me until other people post on social media and pressure me into relationships. P also withdrew a text addressed to me that almost sounded like he did the last time I saw him 7+ years ago, filled with religious jargon. When V was visiting town he brought up P after discussing him nearly every time I saw V. He stopped mentioning P for a couple of years but before that he asked me about him nearly every time I saw V, though V and I previously only saw each other 2-3 times a year. I had to tell him about how I fell out with P even though he kept that conversation going by checking P’s social media accounts and told me P now has 2 kids with his wife. But then V finally said that he was sorry that my friendship with P failed and it wasn’t about me.

The other pain point is when V and his wife encouraged me to find new friends and groups to hang out with. When they began the discussion with me, I told them I had insecurities over being unlovable. I also continued that I can’t seem to please anybody no matter how hard I tried, even though my dating efforts had never been consistent. Because of the group where I met P, a false sexual harassment claim at work, dating app fails, and an overall disdain for groups, I don’t want to date again and I also firmly believe that I’m a sexual predator. V and his wife were nice because they said I wouldn’t have them or other people as friends if that was the case. They also praised me for my social skills and boldness that they lack. But I am still upset. I may struggle with my mental health but people blindly recommend coming out of my shell when people expect me to be perfect and are too busy for new friends and I take that personally. This means V and his wife see too much in me and don’t understand that I’m unlovable, have preferences nobody seems to understand, and that I have to resolve chronic health problems and new work stresses before I date or find new groups. These days I only enjoy groups of 1-3 people to avoid people-pleasing and overwhelm, except for when I host family gatherings.

I feel like I need to do something about this even though I rarely confront people over boundary violations either out of fear, or people just demonize me instead. This is because I complained to another friend over V’s advice to socialize again and have not been able to put any of this out of my mind. V is a wonderful friend and I don’t want to start resenting him like I have done with other people I’ve had to cut out of my life because I didn’t have a voice over actions that crossed my boundaries.

Can someone help me with setting boundaries over discussions of these painful topics? How should I approach V and what should I say? This would be my first time doing boundaries with him.