best friend with completely different interests and values
Has anyone dealt with a best friend who has totally different interests and values than you? I love her, we support each other big time, but... she's become a sparkly material girl while I've become more of an emo poet (and it's not like we're teens anymore- we're both almost 30) and lately this hasn't been working out.
Her current interests= gems, going shopping to look at 'all the things', lingerie, popular YouTubers. Her support style= validation and distraction. If something goes wrong, her default is to get angry.
My current interests= art, philosophy, psychology. My support style= deep dive analysis and planning. If something goes wrong, my default is to get sad.
We balance each other out in a way, but lately things have been unbalanced and it leaves me feeling awful. Almost every hangout is me driving her to go shopping and she looks at gems and lingerie and then she shows me a whole list of YouTube shorts and I just feel so neglected (?) because whenever I try to bring up deeper issues about existing or the world, she just says she doesn't understand. I joke about wanting to dramatically smoke in the rain or cry on a swing set and she thinks I'm so quirky, but I just end up feeling like a fool. It always has to be a shopping center with her. I know she would never want to share a nature walk with me or visit a museum, so I'm at a loss about how to serve myself and her needs at the same time. I mean, I try: We both enjoy Marina and the Diamonds, so I tried to analyze this singer's new poetry book with her, because I thought she would be somewhat interested- but, it was so obvious that she didn't give a ***. I'm trying to blend our interests and find ways so that both of us feel satisfied, but it's too hard so I keep defaulting to only serving her needs and it is killing me.
@determinedSea4370
I am assuming you have been friends for a long time and you are doing your best to keep it going but in reality i found many friends i simply outgrow. friendship is not enough IF you are the only one giving ... listening to their interests / ideas and things to do and forgetting yours...
sounds like your friendship is at that point ... you may enter the acquaintance phase where you catch up occasionally and then may not hang out much. I feel many hang on to friendships because it is harder to meet and find time when you are older but IMO it is not worth holding so tight to a situation that no longer works for you.
@toughTiger6481 You're right. I called another friend and talked about this and she told me the same thing that you are telling me. I'm not very good at communicating my needs, so as a last ditch effort, I texted her a list of activities that I would enjoy doing with her instead of just letting her steer things all the time. I also low-key love bombed her. I'm not surprised that she hasn't texted me back yet. I think I will be finally willing to stop holding so tightly onto this relationship if I can find something to fill the inevitable void. Until I find something, I honestly just think I would be too scared. I've latched myself onto her too tightly through the years and now I don't know how to let go without losing a giant chunk of my own self. I know I'm ridiculous, but I fantasize stuff like laying my head in her lap in the woods and just talking and because of the slim possibility that I could make fantasies like this a reality, I keep holding on.
Well its totally fine to have different interest and all but it is also important that both of you should understand each other . From what you have said, it seems like you are putting effort in this friendship. Well if you believe that she is a good friend try to talk to her face to face and try to nake her understand you point of view. Communication is the key right .
Hats off to you for your effort.
@determinedSea4370
@gloriousPrincess7692 communication is definitely key. i haven't been being honest with her at all- because im usually such a good actor, she probably thinks that i love everything that she likes, so my occasional breakdowns probably feel to her like they come out of nowhere. ive reached out and texted her what my interests are and how i'd like to enjoy doing them together with her for a change. this relationship just needs more balance and shes an amazing friend. i think we will pull through.
Hope yourfrienship last forever and all the problems between you two be gone and have a better understanding of eachother.
@determinedSea4370
