i'm so alone

(TW?)

hey all

so I recently had a friend, (I guess not all that recently - like one or two months ago?) but I kind of felt like we were growing apart.

we went to a volunteer thing before school started, in early August, and I went and I was so excited to see her... and she didn't even say hi. one of our mutual friends was like, "hey look (name)'s here!" and she barely even looked over at me, didn't even say hi. our mutual friend made room on the bench for me, but it was like she didn't care. i'd texted her the day before to try to figure out whether we had any of the same teachers, and she never replied. and this, combined with the not-talking-to-me, hurt.

especially because I saw her pulling up her list of teachers on her phone and asking other people who they had, but not me. it hurt. I tried to ignore it though, because I have kind abandonment issues I guess? and I really hate losing people. one of my friends a few years ago... I kind of had a break away because it was a really toxic relationship.

anyway

I have issues with people leaving me, basically

and so I, instead of going and talking to her...

I emailed her.

like a coward.

and then I emailed her again.

and again

and again

again

and again

I was trying to apologize, ask her what i'd done wrong. I'd basically dumped all of my mental health issues on her the year before, and I knew she was sick of me. 

after the first five or so emails the last couple just sort of deteriorated into depressed poetry wanting to know what happened, and what i'd done wrong.

because I knew, I just knew that she was ignoring me.

well, maybe I didn't know.

maybe because she used to check her email every day in the morning, I thought she was ignoring me.

maybe it was just my stupid, anxious brain, searching for an explanation.

maybe... I don't know.

I regret it so much.

after about a week of writing her, I went to see the school councilor, and she told me to stop sending the emails, because if she had seen them and was ignoring it, then I shouldn't contact her. 

I would have anyway, because she finally replied later that same day.

it wasn't what I was hoping to hear.

at all.

it was four sentences.

barely anything.

all she said was that the emails were concerning, making her uncomfortable, and that they had to stop. 

she said she wasn't mad at me, but that couldn't be true, because she sent that email in late august.

we've spoken about five sentences since then.

and two were her telling me to 'project' in the class where we now have to sit together, and her telling me I didn't have to 'walk around like i'm going to hit you' after I almost opened a door into her face.

I've never regretted anything more in my entire life than sending those emails.

and i'm so tired you guys.

I just want my best friend back.

but I won't.

I won't get her back

because I was a stupid,

clingy,

co-dependent,

miserable,

jerkwad.

i'm sad all the time now. 

is it still called 'sad' when you're in a constant state of it for over a month? 

is it still called 'self-pity' when it's your fault, but you have (had) no one else?

because it was my fault.

I couldn't let us grow apart at all,

so I clung

like a prickly burr,

until I was picked up and thrown off.

if you're on here and you see this, please, just talk to me. I didn't mean to do this. I know you have million other friends, and you don't need me, but I miss you.

I miss you.

and i'm still sorry, even though you don't want me to be.