relationship rant

for some context, i have bpd, and recently got out of the psych ward.

recently me and my boyfriends relationship had been getting worse slowly, he admitted to love bombing me, i feel like i can’t live without him i love him so much he’s my entire world. i found out while i was in the ward he’d cheated multiple times. and it hurts so bad, i really feel like i can’t handle it. he regrets it so much and is working so hard to make it up and regain my trust, i love him so much i wanna be able to fix it, i know i do.

i just feel so dumb, i let this happen, but i also realize it’s not my fault and i’m so torn, we’ve been together almost a year now, my family loves him.

i feel so broken, i can barely look at him the same knowing how he talked to them, showed them parts of himself i thought only i saw and i didn’t even realize. i wanted to get better for him i wanted to take hold of my codependency and my bpd, get on meds, get better, it just feels like this always happens to me, and i don’t know if i can handle it anymore i’m just hurting so badly.

i used to self harm a lot before and i’m trying so hard not to rebound on it, i feel so alone, i almost went homeless multiple times and he was the only one i had anymore, and now knowing this i feel so alone, i feel like it’s just me now, but i just wanna fix it, i wish i never looked, i feel like an idiot