The Secret to Less Stress and Better Relationships: The Three Circles
Have you ever felt completely drained by a situation or a person?
Maybe a project at work is not going well, or a friend is not listening to your advice, or you are worried about things happening in the world. It is easy to feel like we are spinning our wheels and getting frustrated without seeing any real change. The best way to get your peace of mind back is to look at your Three Circles.
1. The Circle of Control (The "Me" Circle) 🟢
This is the smallest circle, but it is where your power lives. It is the only place where you have 100 percent say. It includes:
- Your words and the tone of voice you choose.
- How you react when someone is unkind.
- Whether you choose to let go of a problem or hold onto it.
- The effort you put into your work today.
2. The Circle of Influence (The "We" Circle) 🟡
This is where we interact with others. You do not have total control here, but you can "nudge" things. It includes:
- Sharing your feelings honestly with a partner.
- Collaborating with a team and making suggestions.
- Setting a good example for others to follow.
- Asking for what you need.
3. The Circle of Concern (The "Everything Else" Circle) 🔴
This is the biggest circle, and it is usually where our anxiety lives. It contains everything we care about but cannot change. It includes:
- The past (what happened yesterday).
- Other people's opinions or moods.
- Global events or "the system."
- Whether someone else chooses to change their behavior.
Why this changes everything!
Frustration happens when we spend our energy in the Red Circle. We try to "control" the past, the weather, or other people.
Peace happens when we move back to the Green Circle. When we stop trying to fix everyone else and instead focus on being the best and calmest version of ourselves, we actually gain more influence over the people around us.
Questions for you!
- In your relationships (family, friends, or work), what is one thing you have been trying to control that actually belongs in the "Concern" circle?
- How would it feel if you took all that energy and put it back into your own "Control" circle today?
@Heather225 my health is what I'm struggling to control that definetly belongs in the red circle.
Just working with what I can do during all this, is what I'm trying hard to do. I think I just need to be grateful I'm still here and smilling💖
@Tinywhisper11
@Amanda84 I love you more💖💖💖
@Tinywhisper11 We love you so much! ❤️
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas 💖💖💖💖💖 I love you 💖💖💖
@Heather225
This is a wonderful resource, thank you for sharing!
It speaks volumes to me!
Appreciate you 💚🤗
@Heather225
I tried to spend more time with a new friend a couple of years ago and to communicate via messaging with her in an attempt to make communication easier for her hoping she would become less nervous in my presence. I felt a lot of empathy for her, a clearly intelligent young lady that suffers from schizophrenia, it was a misguided attempt that made her feel overwhelmed.
Recently we have spoken again with her mum and we're talking together again but this time I'm more aware that I can't influence how she feels and am intent on letting her dictate the pace, hopefully she will just see me as a supportive friend when she wants one.
@RunningMachine 💖 your such a lovely person💖
@Tinywhisper11
Thank you, reflecting back I feel it is down to ADHD, been hurt several times in the last and isolated myself out of self preservation. It didn't work just made me miserable, so not anymore 😁😁😁
You seem pretty awesome yourself 👍👍👍👍
@RunningMachine 💖💖💖
An notification has just brought me back to this. As I was warning down on the treadmill my friend came and spoke to me, she told me she aborted her own walk as it was making her fill sick then proceeded to tell me she had been sick on and off all week, probably down to her medication and they is does happen sometimes.
Obviously I would rather she hadn't been unwell but it absolutely made my day yesterday that she came and talked too me.
@Heather225 It would feel good but I can't do that.
@enthusiasticCranberry2398 gives you a giant tiny hug 💗
@Heather225 Very important piece of knowledge. thanks for sharing
One thing I have been trying to control or obsessing over and it belongs in the concern circle is how others treat me and their behavior. I can put that energy back into my control circle by realizing I cannot control others behavior, I can control how I react and set boundaries and refuse to allow them to mistreat me.
@peachCake8933
I'm listening to the same lesson.
I'm right here with ya just can't seem to get past not letting them nistreat me and letting them go even hough i know they r gonna treat me badly i still go back and even though i know im controlling my behaviors and my tone i cant gwt past the why can't i get the same in return. It's a disturbing circle I go thru so much now. Idk what I'm doing wrong or why I can't stop worrying about what others think
I would love to know how you go about setting boundaries?
@Heather225
I try to make up the past like I can rewrite the past but by doing so I don't stay in the present when it comes to my relationship.
If I put all that effort then I would have some more piece of mind, takes time to actually reinforce that notion.
That sounds interesting! 😊
I’d love to hear more about the Three Circles — how do they help with stress and relationships?
@Heather225 I have struggled most with telling people my feelings, and either they say something mean or simply ignore and don’t try to change whatever they’re doing that’s hurting me. I understand I can’t control how they feel, think, or act, though it’s taken me a long time to learn that’s what I was trying to do. I don’t want to be like that. What makes it hard is I know I take it so seriously when someone tells me I’ve hurt them or asks me to change, and I have trouble understanding why I haven’t met anyone who will do that for me. It makes me so depressed or afraid of getting hurt again. I don’t expect the exact same. I don’t even think I do things right, I am a people pleaser in some ways, so I don’t want them doing that with me. I was told people can’t read my mind, that I have to tell them, but when I tell them they still don’t care. 😅 It’s just that they’re more focused on what they want. I’m trying to do the same, but the funny thing is they’ll finally notice me when I’m not there as much for them. Then all my progress returns to focusing on them again. I’m trying so hard to let it go.
Visualizing this as circles with borders helps, rather than my abstract ideas. I guess we’re supposed to still tell people how we feel, but just not really expect anything? Or if we feel like it’s something essential to the relationship, we decide to leave. I wish something would just work and be simple. I’m getting tired of having to leave relationships. It’s too hard finding one in the first place. People are on their best behavior for a while, so we think we’ve vetted them properly, only to end up invested in another bad bet.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
I struggle for opposing reasons, I'm too quick to share with very few boundaries when I feel a connection with people, can be overwhelming for them and I then feel rejected.
I have made some connections that have endured and have increasingly found I'm able to listen and try and put myself in their shoes, a practice that I find very rewarding.
I am cozied up, safe & sound w/my partner. We are watching television and our cat is cuddling with us deep in our blankets. With candles and warm heat. This was a great read for tonight & definitely worth coming back to. Thnx for sharing!
