Am I evil?
I need some outside perspective on a relationship situation.
I care about this person and I genuinely enjoy being close to her. I like talking to her, calling, and I feel affectionate toward her. However, when I start thinking about “serious relationship” expectations, future commitment, and responsibility, I get very overwhelmed and anxious. It sometimes leads to overthinking, panic, and physical symptoms like nausea and loss of appetite.
The confusing part is that my feelings fluctuate a lot. When I’m calm and talking to her, I feel okay and even affectionate. But when I’m alone thinking about the meaning of the relationship, I start spiraling and doubting myself.
Because of this, I’ve been questioning whether I’m actually capable of being in a serious relationship or if I’m unintentionally hurting her by not being emotionally consistent.
There are also external pressures in my mind (social judgment and expectations from people close to me), which adds to the anxiety.
I’m not trying to blame her or say she did anything wrong. I’m trying to understand whether this is:
normal relationship anxiety that can be worked through, or
a sign that I shouldn’t be in a serious relationship right now.
I just want honest outside opinions because I’m struggling to understand my own feelings clearly.
@Gracyann
In my opinion what you are going thru is perfectly normal. You can and should enjoy your time together and not stress about as you say a serious relationship. Relationships do not have a script and each one is different.
You did not say how long this friendship / dating has been going on but maybe she is not your match. You will be ready when it is right. We can meet someone who is great we like them and enjoy spending time, yet we do not see or fear a future because the spark or magic of love is not there.
First off: Very few people are evil, and those that are do not question themselves, or attempt to improve.
From what I've read here, I'll give an extremely quick rating on the Experiences in Close Relationships scale (ERC-S) (Wei, Russell, Mallinkrodt & Vogel, 2007)
I would say you would fall info secure attachment when you are not stressed or overthinking, but fall into a High-avoidance score when thinking deeply about responsibility.
Make sure, first off that you have a stable, supportive relationship (someone you consider a consistent and close friend, could be a parent, coworker, childhood friend, anyone) and then I would try and grab a therapist or counselor to dig into where this nervousness is coming from! Usually these issues come from maladaptive behaviors that are self-harmful in the long run in exchange for short-term comfort.
This nervousness you feel, you must remember, is because you love her, you feel protective of her, and you want to keep her safe. This is a good feeling, but if you truly wish to stay with her, then you will have to, eventually, begin to confront these feelings, with the help of a good support system, of course.
My personal suggestion, as an unqualified, random individual studying psychology in college:
If you have a support system, talk these worries over with her, or with your support system for advice, they'll know you better than anyone here.
If you dont have a support system you feel is reliable, work on that first. Find a therapist, or deepen relationships with friends.
I don't know if this would help or hinder you but have you thought about asking for a small break? Just to get your head straight?
Maybe a week of no contact. Sometimes I can only think objectively where there are no outside influences, I step back and ask myself, Do I miss this person?
Am I thinking about them? Am I excited to tell them about my day...... Or can I get on fine without them? Are they just a comfortable habit?
Do I just talk to them because they are there? Not because I feel something deeply for them?
