Brain Dump Challenge

Simply, I am 13 and very quiet with only a few friends and was not very close with them. Now I have a very close friend who...I have a crush on. This is strange for me especially since they are the same gender.

Boosting… Let this challenge be super healing for you <3

@jesusredeemedme2425

 My grandma has a brain tumor. We think she has a couple years left. I’m so scared of her dying, I love her so much and it’ll be the first major death in my life. I don’t know if my grandpa will be able to cope, she’s his everything. I tried to talk to my friends about it and they brushed it off. I feel replaceable to them. Like they look at each other and know I’m not the one they choose if they had to pick one, they’d all pick each other. I don’t fit in. Too awkward to be cool, too loud to hang with them, too quiet for them. I just want to feel like I belong, like truly belong. My friend ignored my text messages today in the group chat, but she responded to someone else’s. It hurt, but what can I do besides brush it off? Kids my age are worrying about driver’s licenses and SAT and AP classes and college, and I just want to make it to tomorrow. Our school is too smart, too competitive, I’ll never be good there. Even if I’m smart comparatively, I’m the bottom of the barrel here. Not enough extra curriculars, volunteer hours, clubs or programs. I just want to enjoy life, but I’m wasting it away. It’s all going by too fast. I need everything to go back.

This all started 2 years ago, I went to work and left as an amputee. Ever since then I've just spiraled and nobody gives a ***. Everything I do is wrong. I've lost so many relationships with family, friends. Feels like I'm just in a hole that just never ends. nothing brings joy. it's like that emotion is nonexistent. just emptiness. hobbies I once liked, I don't care for anymore. I've seen a therapist, went nowhere. "we need to try getting you back to normal".. like I don't get how I can go back to a normal, is the normal losing a limb while trying to pay rent? I can't work a full time job standing, no chance, the nerve pain is too strong. it's so sharp. like someone's just jamming a needle in you every step you take. and this was 2 years ago. how has this not improved at all.. I can't afford to go to school and pay rent. The *compensation* from all of this is laughable. I just don't know where to go from here.

So yesterday I was given advice that gave me such a panic attack and high anxiety, it felt like my heart was going through my chest and I wanted to just throw up.

I have written a heartfelt message for the woman at work and places it in my locker to drop off in the mailroom the day I retire (Jan 2, 26) it was suggested that I give it to her personally, like first thing Monday morning. The sooner the better.

I know I am not ready to to that. I'm so torn about what to do.

I'm am shaking just typing this.

I just turned 16 recently and I have multiple problems that I’ve been dealing with. The main problem is my relationship with my parents. My family is, even if not “wealthy”, we do have more money than the average people. My mother is a, no, don’t hate me for being unfilial, crazy woman and my father might not be as crazy but always supports her and then claims to be fair. Today, I was in my room, tidying it, when my little brother, who might be naughty sometimes but is still a good guy, came inside and kicked my Barbells, which I bought with my own money, for no reason. I wasn’t angry with him, but I told him not to do that, as it might hurt my feet if the weights fell on my feet if he broke it. I had just recovered from an foot injury. My mother came in and, just as always, started shouting some nonsense like “It doesn’t matter if the weights shatter your feet to pieces, you’ll get bombed to pieces one day anyways, so it wouldn’t matter if it happened earlier. Yes. My mother shouts nonsense very often, and I mostly learned to ignore her sometimes, even though she proceeds to follow me and shout even if I don’t really respond. This time though, I said: Why are you saying that kind of thing again? Do you even have any reason for that? I don’t think that is okay to say to your son, especially without reason.

And do you know what she answered? She said: I am the one paying for your living expenses, providing you food, clothes and a home. I am your mother and I can do whatever I want. If I wanted to, I could make your foot go back to when it eas injured again. 

I was really confused by that last line again. I said: Are you going to hit me or what? (By now, I am taller than my parents, and even when I, of course, never hit them back, I was still able to kind of resist or “run away”, so my mother answered: No, but I have a thousand ways to do so, I can change your diet so that your foot will… I don’t even know what she said, but what nonsense, right?

So I went to my father, who told me last time, that when this kind of situation happened again, I can call him for help. But of course, my mother started spouting nonsense and making up things again, as always, and my father, of course, believed her. So in the end, I am always the “culprit” but also the “victim” cuz I first got shouted and insulted and cursed for no reason again and then I am gonna get punished too. Oh and also, I am not allowed to go to my friend’s birthday party, but thats just a “bonus”. 

WHAT THE *** IS THIS NONSENSE? People are probably going to say something like”You should think about what you did wrong” or “How can you be so ungrateful to your parents who gifted you life and badmouth them like this?” But you know what? I don’t even care. I am just writing this to get all of this shi- ehem, these things off my heart. 

Sorry for my bad english, I am german and thanks to everyone who beared with my tirade until the end. 

The final exam and trial exam are coming but I failed the first semester so I not gonna pass this one either

Every weekend I get super depressed. It's like if I have time to think I remember how much I hate my life. I thought my life was going to be so much more than this and the idea of having to live for 40 more years of this is just exhausting. I can't really function anymore. My house is a mess, I'm hoarding, I don't eat meals anymore because I can't be bothered to cook or grocery shop. Immediate gratification seems to be my only short lived source of happiness. It's not satisfying either because I'm always looking for the next dopamine hit. My list of things to do keeps growing and most are simple tasks but I just sleep or binge watch tv. 

It is what it is, but this week my hate has been everyday. Didn't save itself for the weekend. Which I will waste by trying to sleep thru instead of being productive.