Childhood mistakes
TW!!
I am struggling with POCD because of some false memory I had in the past plus other stuff I used to watch as a kid and as an early teen, I remember watching a necr0ph!l!c video while scrolling through an NSFW dis-cord channel, and I feel bad because back then I might've scrolled there just to self please and I am scared because I don't know if I did that while watching that one too and my mind keeps telling me I did. Also what I said in my other post, at 13-14 I knew about a horrible crime case and I remember searching the movies that were based on that case to see a sexual abuse scene, again, for pleasure. I have no idea what was in my head, I never supported that and I never will. I feel horrible and I did something so disrespectful, I can't even look at the country the case is from the same anymore and I used to love that country and I dreamed of going there when I will grow up. Now all my dreams feel shattered, I feel sick, I am questioning my own sanity. I never liked real abuse of any kind, I was thinking it's just a movie but the fact that it was based on a real case makes me feel horrible and I feel like I deserve to suffer a cruel fate. And the video on dis-cord kind of traumatised me, but I am not certain of what I did, I am scared of seeing anything that has to do with the death so why did I do that? Will I ever feel the same as before? Will I ever forgive myself? I feel bad to attempt su icide because I don't want my family to miss me even if I am a horrible person. And these are just the most disturbing things I did, there are more disgusting ones but not scary. I hate myself and deep inside I want to live but not with this guilt, not when every single day I feel like I should get the worst fate. It's been a month, how much can I go on? I need a hug but do I deserve one? I even had an ZOCD thought. I never acted or hurt anyone for that, I never wanted too. I miss living like I did before. The worst part of all this is that I am the only one at fault for this, I shouldn't have explored all that as a child.
@huiny254
I don't have much advice, but I just wanted to let you know that your struggles and situation that you're dealing with doesn't go unnoticed. I respect you for being open to something you don't like to admit. I feel like it's possible to heal from this and you've already have taken the 1st first step, by being open to talking about it just to get it off your chest.
I am scared it will never end, I can't even talk with my friends without feeling bad
@huiny254
Yeah, that's understandable. You never know how they'll react and aren't sure if they'll be judgmental which can make it harder for you and anyone struggling to open up. I think forums like these create a safer space to express our feelings.
@huiny254
Would it be possible for you to reach out to professional help in your area if you haven't done so? CBT would be a great start! They can help you reframe your thoughts and help you dissect this situation even further with no judgment. If not, you can also continue to lean of this platform for more support.
If it goes on for more time I will ask my parents if I can go, I just hope therapists from my city won't judge
@huiny254
That's great that you're thinking about it! Therapists are trained and supposed to be non-judgmental and went to years of schooling to help you out. Searching for a therapist is a trial and error, some might not be the best fit for you. It's like trying on shoes. But that's okay! Eventually, you'll narrow down to the ones that do benefit you.
Do you think I deserve love and happiness even after all that?
@huiny254
Yes, of course! I don't think you're a bad person or a person who has malicious intent to harm others or yourself. You recognized how doing this action made you feel and you want to change. You said it yourself--that you don't like doing this.
Thank you, I hope I'll have the chance to go
@huiny254
Glad to help you out! I wish you all the best in your healing journey :) You got this!!!
@huiny254
And you don't have to explain to your parents in detail about why do want to try therapy; that's for you and your therapist. Just say something along the lines of I want to become a better version of myself and want to manage my emotions better.
@huiny254
You're not alone in this!
***T.W***
I have been through same... I hate myself for the things I've let myself into online since I was young... I too suffer from self hatred. and that's the reason I'm here... to heal from them.. I'm really sorry you're going through this 🙁
I used to watch and do really messed up and distributing things online... I can deeply relate to you... My cruosity and impulsiveness... I just want you to know that you deserve love, healing and forgivenes.
you're not your past... you're not your addictions... You're not your thoughts... you're not your mistakes.. And you've taken the first step in healing.
You're here reaching out and that alone makes a big difference. Please try to be gentle with yourself 🤍 This is a safe space for you. And you deserve all the love and kindness in this world 💝
*Sending you big hugs* ❤️❤️
Thank you for the kind words I just want my thoughts to leave me so I can live my life normally, and my POCD is getting worse for the things I've done without realizing how wrong it is, it's even scarier to think I might did realize but I just enjoyed that stuff..
@huiny254 have you tried connecting with a listener here?
Yeah that's why I'm scared it will never end because I spoke to more listeners and my guilt and self hatred won't go away, I even spoke to some family members but didn't get to tell them everything
@huiny254
I can relate... I know it's not easy to open up. but it will make you feel a little lighter. it takes courage to be honest about your mistakes. You're not hiding in guilt and shame to make it worst. You're trying and that truly matters.
Just expressing how you feel here, in the forums... or to a listener ( a right listener there are many great listeners here, you just need the one that feels right for you ) take your time and be gentle with yourself while you process.
You don't have to do it all perfectly, just gently. even this. writing this down here. Is healing you in some way. Venting and letting it all out can help... And just remember, these feelings are temporary. They will eventually fade... Be patient with yourself okay? 💙
Sending you lots of love ❤️❤️
Thank you this means a lot, wish you the best ❤️
@huiny254 ❤️❤️
@huuny254 You matter ❤️
I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain. I can relate to you. I've been dealing with instrusive thoughts since i was 14, and i didn't know what was wrong with me, i just felt like a terrible person and that i deserved to die. I don't know if this feeling will ever leave, or if i'll ever go back to experience life how i did before those started, but i'm going to keeo trying to. Currently i talk to no psychologist because they all kinda make me feel like i'm dumb. But i'll search for the best, one specialized in what i'm struggling with, that way maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. For you, me, and all those who suffer in silence. Don't give up, ever. You're not alone. 🤍🫂
Thank you for telling me this, I wish everything will get better and we'll get to enjoy life without thinking about the past or our thoughts. Don't give up ❤️