Family/Sibling Boundaries Understanding
I met an amazing woman about three years ago, and after 16 months of long-distance relationship, I moved to her state and city. Before I moved, we had several conversations about our expectations, her living situation, and our plans for building a life together. We are both in our late thirties, have no kids, have advanced degrees, and hold professional positions. She has her own house, and I have been renting a place since we decided that I would do so.
However, things have been rocky since I moved here. We argue about her inconsistent decisions regarding spending time with me, staying at my place, and preparing her sister and her sister's two kids (aged 10 and 12) for when she moves out. We also argue about the lack of boundaries she has set for her siblings and nieces, and the manipulation her family continues to do to her.
Her sister, who is 42, works a job that pays $2000 a month and has no financial responsibility in the household besides groceries, cooking, and cleaning. The kids have no real responsibilities either. I understand that they came from a toxic, abusive, broken home with their ex-husband, and I sympathize with their situation. However, it's the manipulation they continue to do to my girlfriend that bothers me.
Whenever we make plans for her to stay at my house, the kids guilt-trip her into staying with them, and her sister does the same. The house is always in a disastrous state because the sister neglects her responsibilities. Despite being patient, understanding, and loving, it feels like my girlfriend wants me to integrate into the routine she had with her family when she was single, and that's not fair to me.
I'm not asking her to choose between me and her family, but I'm asking for a balance. It seems like she is afraid to tell the kids that she is moving out to start our life together, and they make her feel guilty, causing her to change her mind and make promises to them. This cycle makes me unhappy, but I love her very much.
I don't have much experience with kids, but I'm willing to integrate them into our lives. However, it feels like her family doesn't want me around because I won't adapt to their routine. It's also true that her family, including the kids, benefit more if I'm not around and she doesn't move out. These are her nieces, not her own children. Any advice?
I forgot to mention that her sister and the kids have been living with my girlfriend for 5 years. My girlfriend was single for those entire 5 years and so has her sister. They literally both had a cerybad and toxic relationship 5 years ago (except her sister was married and got divorced right before she moved it)
@HighlyMotivated91
i think you are right they are threatened by you and your relationship as they are taking advantage of her. It is sad but many people who use a family member for support out of guilt or a 'family" thing often do not care about her happiness if it means having to pay for themselves.
If the home is hers why is she moving out instead of sisters and kids. granted they may not have a place to go but financially she is still responsible for house is she really willing to let risk tha damage and destruction if they already will not clean and such. YOU moved and did so without knowing she was not ready to start your life together or really explain her situation. it is not IMO a good way to start a life together.
@toughTiger6481
She doesn't want to put her sister and the kids out because she is afraid of them being homeless and/or not having a stable environment. Her sister is not only not stable enough to make good decisions, but she doesn't pay enough attention to things and situations in her own life to take care of her kids, so my girlfriend feels like it is her job to personally provide them with stability, a safe place, and a home. The problem is that the kid's father is no better than the mom, so my girlfriend is the only one that provides them with the stability they need because she didn't have it when she was growing up, etc. So its personal for her! Which I totally understand but on the other hand she doesn't see or want to see how her actions and her personal choices means that we both have to sacrifice. I will give you an example; We talked about buying a house together. She wants me to fully purchase the house (homes where we live are roughly $500K - $800k and up), pay all the bills, etc while she uses her money to help out her family and pay for groceries. Now mind you when we started dated she drove the idea that she wanted a partner dep into my head, does that sound like a partnership to you or does it sound like I'm getting the short end of the stick?
@HighlyMotivated91
No that is NOT a partnership for you to care for your life in total........ while she spends on her family. I think it is not ok to spring that to on you if she had told you it would be different before you picked up and moved to her location
Her sister may NOT be good at making decisions but doing everything for her does NOT exercise a skill in learning better life choices ....it also is telling kids you do not have to get your stuff together auntie will carry the load. Maybe her sister needs a big wake-up call that while your GF wanted to help did not sign up for life long care.....
I understand as I have family like hers and i too want to help but it is a bottomless pit. There needs to be boundaries in order to not be taken advantage of and interfere with your GF life. I am sorry but sounds like this has jeopardized your future with this GF. If you chose to go down this road thinking it will get better it will not.
Will you and GF be saving for 3 in retirement? do you and he ever discuss if you want a child of your own? or any sort of life that this caretaker role wont veto.
Will she be paying for school for nieces .... not sure how old these kids are but they are learning find someone else to pay my way.... as a life choice.