Feeling lost on what to do
Im feeling so lost and stuck on how to handle my current situation
I want to move out of the house I'm currently living in, I live with a friend of mine, my wife, our pets and our partner( we're polyamorous)
The living situation is rough, and quite stressful, as my friend is also the landlady's kid, he doesn't do chores, has no job, and is lazy as ***.
My partner and i have spoken about moving out with my cats, my dog, my rabbit and my snake, as we can afford it.
Unfortunately, we have one problem, we ;legitimately can't contact my wife about it.
She's currently in an inpatient stay at our local VA due to a mental health episode back in February, , and will be there for about another 2 and a half months.
And there's currently a no contact order in place, because before she went in, she struck our partner. And even though he doesn't want to press charges, as he understands she was having an episode, our state( New Mexico) is pressing the domestic violence charges, as she struck her partner.
We had to call a 72 hour hold on her, due to her being a danger to herself and our household, her threatening suicide when the cops arrived to take her to the VA, and her striking someone,
From what I've heard, this no contact order was issued by the court, until her trial is over. Unfortunately we had to find this out through an extended friend, as the courts nor the police department informed any of us.
Our partner received a 30 day notice from the landlady last week, and has until May 1st to move out, He's being removed due to the landlady's kid constantly whining about him, and she got tired of it and removed him to shut her kid up, The on paper reason is because he accidently busted a door frame a few weeks ago.
And the landlady is looking for every reason under the sun to kick us all out, as she's tired of dealing with us and the property, and she wants to move her son closer to her, And i want to get out before she finally makes that final choice. She's been at this on and off for 5 years now, and I'm kinda just done with it and her antics. She coddles her son, but is still tough on him, and is not above taking her frustration on him out on his roommates/tenants, as she is upset at us for not motivating her son to do more. I don't think that's my responsibility,
I don't want to just pull up roots , ditch the house, and have my wife come back in a few months to nothing, I do still love her very much, and she has legit abandonment issues due to some severe past trauma. I want to be able to talk to her about how I'm feeling, and let her know what's going on,. Also i don't to just leave her stuff to be taken care of by the landlady,
Unfortunately. , from what I've seen from some messages she's been sending to our friends, she views me calling the 72 hold as "the ultimate betrayal'. and that it means i picked our partner over her. She is also claiming he provoked her, and said she could strike him during her episode. Which he didn't. He said she could yell at him. This was about 3 weeks ago, so some things may have changed by now.
If i stay in the house when our partner moves out, I'm gonna be stuck being the live-in maid for the landlady's kid until my wife gets back, or longer , as my wife usually ends up relying on me to do most of household chores for her. due to her claiming her chronic pain is too much most days,
From what I've gotten from our extended friend, my wife is doing better, might want to work things out with me, but she doesn't want to return to the house, and would want to work it out from a separate location. The problem still stands, that she hasn't spoken to me at all in over a month, has blocked me on all social media, changed her phone number, and the no contact order is still in place.
i want to get out of this house so badly. I need my own space to be myself for once. I feel trapped , and am on the verge of screaming at our roommate
And i don't want to force the conversation with my wife when she gets back. I want to give her space , and time on her own at the house to relax, and let things happen naturally. But i don't want to make her feel abandoned
I want to go to counseling with her , and our partner fully supports it ,and we've even agreed to split for the sake of my marriage, if that's what needs to happen
I'm at a complete loss on what to do right now,
@AnemoTiger
🙏🏻
You are carrying a lot right now 🫂
It sounds like you are dealing with a very complex situation—housing stress, relationship challenges, wanting to care for everyone, and still needing space to find peace for yourself. Anyone in your situation would feel stuck and unsure of what to do.
A few gentle, practical steps can help bring clarity:
Focus on what you can control right now: The housing situation is the most urgent. If the environment feels unstable or unsafe, it is okay to prioritize finding a safer place for yourself, your family, and your pets.
Respect the no-contact order: Even though it is painful not being able to speak with your wife, following this order helps protect both of you legally and emotionally.
Leave a bridge, not a break: If possible, you can leave her a message through permitted channels (such as a lawyer or other allowed communication), explaining that you had to move because of the circumstances, not out of abandonment.
Make a short-term plan: Instead of solving everything at once, think in phases—1. Safe housing 2. Stabilizing your routine 3. Working on your relationship.
Protect your energy: You have been carrying responsibilities for many people. It is okay to step back from roles that are not yours, like managing your roommate or your landlady’s expectations.
Your desire to care for your wife, respect her space, and not make her feel abandoned reflects how much you value your relationship. At the same time, your need for stability and emotional well-being matters too.
You are not wrong for wanting a healthier environment. You are trying to make the best possible decision in a very difficult situation.
Take things one step at a time. You don’t have to figure everything out today. Move at your own pace.
Sending strength, clarity, and support 🪄✨💕
