Having A Revelation

I apologize in advance if this post is a bit incoherent or all over the place. I'm not the best at structuring things or getting my main point across sometimes. This is really just a brain dump of my thoughts and feelings at the moment.

I've been in a pretty bad headspace for a while now, but with the release of a new song from my favorite band yesterday (yes, really), I feel almost...completely revitalized. I initially just felt the pure joy that always comes to me from anything new they put out, but with repeated listens, it's really gotten me to reflect- specifically from this one line in the song:

"I wanna get out there, but I don't try."

As someone that struggles with starting and committing to anything...this one simple line hit hard. I have dreams, I have desires, I have ambitions...but I can't seem to find it in me to try when I feel as if nobody would approve of or appreciate anything I'd ever create.

I make things some people won't like. I believe in things some people won't like. I AM things some people won't like. And truth is, I surround myself with people that don't understand me...some of which have no interest in trying to. The majority of people in my life still call me by a name I haven't even recognized as my own for years now, still refer to me in a way I feel no connection to. But I let them, just because I want to please them. So...thinking about myself when I'm not just trying to please others...who even am I?

I go by Connor, I'm working on an album titled "Morning's Vultures," and any bit of progress I make on it reminds me of why I'm still here- why I make the conscious decision to stay alive with each new day. It reminds me of what I truly want to create, what I truly believe in, and what/who I truly am.

If anyone's actually reading this, I plead with you...let things MEAN something to you. Have the thoughts you have. Feel what you feel. Create what YOU want to create. Do what YOU want to do. Be who YOU know you are, and work to become who YOU want to be. Supporting others is great...but when you feel like all you do is support and try to please others...and those same people don't seem to show any support back...and you show no support or care towards yourself...how on Earth could you ever feel truly fulfilled? Let yourself think...feel...create... let yourself be. You won't feel fulfilled if you don't. 

You'll never get out there if you don't try.

🐦