How Do You Make Someone Feel Like a Burden Without Saying It?
Why do some people seem to enjoy making other people feel pathetic?
I reach out because we are friends, yet the effort almost always seems to come from one side. And even when the other person does reach out, it feels rushed. When I try to get off the call because I don't want to feel like I'm imposing, I'm asked to stay and reassured that I'm not a bother. Yet somehow, I still leave the interaction wondering where I actually stand.
There are promises that don't get kept, and the worst part is finding myself holding on to those promises like a thread, only to watch them fall apart every single time. It's exhausting. It's honestly disgusting.
For fear of seeming "too much," I hold myself back from reaching out. And when I finally do, I get the same tired apology and the same old explanation "I've been busy." As though I've had all the free time in the world to keep reaching out. Silly goose.
Then there's the other situation, someone who is supposedly a romantic partner.
Apparently, my style is too uptight. Apparently, I should loosen things up. So I actually listen. I try to switch things up. I go shopping for clothes that are less "uptight" and more corporate-casual because, well, I work in a corporate environment, just without a strict dress code.
Then, on a video call, the first comment is, "What's all this on your neck?", delivered in that unmistakably sarcastic, mocking tone.
It was a freaking three-layer necklace.
And I swear, my heart just sank.
For a moment, I felt ridiculous for trying. I felt stupid for taking the criticism seriously. I felt my confidence drop because somehow, even after trying to accommodate what had been asked of me, there was still something to mock.
Whatever.
Silly humans, really.
@AGirlWithAWeirdName
A 'Girl with a weird name', we have lots of those, seriously, and you know what? It DOESN'T matter. So, if you don't mind I'm just gonna call you Gurrrl, okay? You can call me 'Wolfie', that's my special name for my friends here.
Firstly I can "hear"/feel the frustration in your words and I don't blame you one little bit. Your feelings are ABSOLUTELY valid and you have every right to feel them - don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It sounds to me like you are surrounded with people who only "listen" to you when THEY want to, not when you need them to.
Here at 7 Cups you have landed among people who care, support and listen no matter what you need or want. We are here for you, in whatever way you need.
Now, as to being uptight... people are way too quick to make judgements based on their own opinions, perceptions and outlooks and that is putting pressures on you that you don't need.
People you reach out to that "give you the brush off" - they don't "really care" - they are just driven by a self-perceived need to be polite within the expectations of society. Are they really friends? All of them?
As for the necklace... *pfaff*... meet JG from Germany;
If you want to wear a three layer necklace DO IT and don't let the opinions or impressions from other people dictate what YOU do with YOUR body or appearance, if YOU are happy with it that's all that counts and if people profess to love you then they should be accepting the fact you have THE RIGHT to decide how you look, how you dress and how you conduct yourself - if not are they really the "right" person for you.
I can tell, from your words, you have spirit - PLEASE don't let that be ruined by other people. Be good to yourself and BE TRUE to who you are, I have, and do.
(Listener at 7 Cups)
@Wolf62
Okay, Wolfie it is! And I suppose “Gurrrl” is acceptable.
Thank you, honestly. I really appreciate you taking the time to read what I wrote and respond so thoughtfully. Sometimes you don't necessarily need someone to fix anything; you just need someone to actually hear what you're saying without making you feel like you're being dramatic or asking for too much.
And yes, I actually like my three-layer necklace, so I think I'll keep wearing it. At this point, I refuse to let someone else's commentary turn something I liked about myself into something I feel embarrassed about.
I think what I'm really struggling with is not allowing other people's behaviour to slowly make me question myself. It's surprisingly easy to start wondering whether you're too needy, too sensitive, too uptight, too much... when perhaps you're simply asking to be treated with a little consistency and kindness.
Your comment was genuinely comforting, though. Thank you for reminding me that I don't have to shrink myself just because someone else is uncomfortable with who I am.
And yes, Gurrrl has spirit. She'll be alright.
You should never have to feel that way. 🫂
You are an amazing person so you should just focus on being yourself and doing/wearing the things you love.
I know that it’s hard to ignore what others think but you can do this!
Always love yourself because that’s what matters most 💖
@TheStarsLookNice1124
Thank you so much. 🥹I really appreciate that. You're right, it's so easy to internalise other people's opinions, especially when they come from people whose opinions matter to you. I'm trying to get better at remembering that being myself shouldn't feel like something I need permission for.
And yes, the three-layer necklace is staying. Thank you again.
I relate to this, so much so I was labelled the Queen of bad timing. We are all busy multi tasking but a quick call or a text here and there, isn't too much to ask for.
I think what I ended up doing, even when they said, no it's fine, keep chatting longer, is I started limiting it, because later on the consensus was...... It's too long and you're monopolising my time.... Well speak up and say, you have to go then... (was my thought).
I see it as, at least your open to feedback regarding style but there are always ways to approach someone kindly, respectfully and avoid making them feel self conscious.
I would have said, have you tried this or that, because you have what it takes, to rock it..
There's nothing wrong with asserting boundaries and saying, I make the time for you, I really wish you would do the same because I feel taken for granted.
Lastly the greatest feeling was figuring out my own style (very odd at times ha) and just thinking, the more people say they don't approve or push their agendas, like I wouldn't do that/wear that..
The more I said, Well hey all that matters, is that I feel fabulous and it doesn't concern me that you don't get it.
(Because I know in my heart, that I wouldn't put someone down, I'm not cruel like that, I believe in lifting someone up and focusing on what I like about them, not what I dislike, you should try it sometime)..