How to forgive myself and let him go?
I cheated on my boyfriend, not physically, not emotionally after a fight. I tried to force myself to do that with someone.
Multiple people actually, I put myself in compromising positions just so someone would take advantage of me. This does stem from a past trauma but it still doesnt make me right. It was a 1 year long relationship and this period lasted for 1 month. During the past two months, I have been working hard on eradicating my old habits like self harm and seeking attention. But when he asked about that month, I lied just because I was deeply ashamed of myself. I still am. He found out 3 days ago and we solved it. He recently blocked me after telling me he loved me and forgave me but he couldnt do it anymore. I just want him back, but I am overrid.en with guilt and feel like it will be better for him to be without someone as broken as me but we still love each other. I have no way of contacting him now, I am blocked everywhere but I know he is in pain and I hate that it's because of me. Please give me advice.
@intelligentJet2103 Past trauma reliving out as new pain. You want connection. You feel hate for the pain you caused. My heart goes out to you.
@intelligentJet2103
I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through that trauma. I hope you do know that the work you’ve put it on yourself is worth it and I’m happy for you in that. Working on yourself can be a painful process and I completely understand your desire to have him back while feeling like he shouldn’t come back. I’m almost there with myself and it definitely hurts knowing that they could have a reason to leave for good. honestly there’s not a lot I can say to help with the blocking and not having ways to reach out to him, but I’m sending hugs and I hope you can find either a way with him again or if he doesn’t come back, a way without him. Things do get better and you are so loved and valued.
@intelligentJet2103
You both need to examine this deeply because most items of cheating are more complex then what ever the first reason given was. The instance revealed/ the conversation ......and the promise to not do again is the first step to healing if they can.......
Imo there are often more then one or two reasons ( the items confessed by the person who strayed) and sometimes they are deeper then the person who did it even sees.
For the other person they need to also see it in all aspects not just a reflection on them. Many think it is all about them or something they are lacking and that can make them feel less then .... The mistake some make is not working to be transparent about all the items that added up. Those are often uncomfortable discussions.
when a person blocks you it should be a sign they need time to process but it will not happen if all the items are on the table IMO.
It does not go away either it is remembered either physical or emotional. Often remembered for the wrong reasons as it could be a reminder to deal with issues but instead it is often a weapon in fights to say "you did this. " People often think it is a trust issue but trust is earned not just given and to earn trust back often takes a long time.
