IDK What To Do Here
So I've been seeing my therapist for about a year now. I haven't really made any progress. I was seeing her in the first place because she's a trauma therapist and certified in EMDR. But she is refusing to do EMDR with me. She doesn't treat eating disorders either. She encourages me at times to fast or restrict. Every time I bring up struggling with my ED, she just asks me if I need to be hospitalized again. Which I don't have time for right now, and quite frankly, I don't think that would be very helpful. I'd like a new therapist with experience in EDs and trauma who is christian. I want to do EMDR, and the reality is I'm not in an ok spot to go to college with my symptoms right now. EMDR is really the only chance I have to reduce my PTSD symptoms. And my ED is rooted in trauma, which is why at first I was ok just seeing a trauma therapist because I figured we would do the EMDR and it would get better. My ED was at a manageable point when I started seeing her. But it's slowly spiraling out of control.
My expectations for therapy are:
- Trauma work (EMDR)
- Coping skills for ED thoughts/urges
- Learn to better put words to emotions
- Learn to better emotionally regulate
- Learn to become more comfortable in my own body and accept that I'm female
- Learn to communicate more effectively
My end goals of therapy are:
- Decreased flashbacks and hypervigilance
- Decreased anxiety around food
- Comfortably eat 3 meals per day
- No more SH relapses
- Communicate without yelling or crying when emotional
- Use she/her pronouns in EVERY setting
- Have a neutral stance towards my body
I don't know how to explain all of this to my therapist, and trying to get my mother on board with switching isn't going great either.
Any advice would be great.
TIA
Hello! @xxParkerxx
It sounds like you're feeling frustrated, unheard, and stuck, which makes so much sense given everything you've been working through. It’s incredibly brave that you’re reflecting on what you need in therapy and advocating for yourself—because that’s not easy.
Your concerns are valid. Therapy should feel like a space where you can address the things that matter most to you. If your current therapist isn’t supporting your needs—especially around EMDR and your ED—it makes sense that you’re looking for someone whose approach aligns better with your goals.
Finding a therapist who understands both trauma and eating disorders, especially within a faith-based framework, could be a meaningful step toward healing. You’ve clearly thought through what you need, and that clarity is powerful.
Convincing your mom to support this change might take patience. Maybe explaining why EMDR and ED-focused care are important for your well-being could help. Would she be open to hearing about how your symptoms are impacting your ability to move forward, especially with college on the horizon?
@Remina
I've tried explaining to her about my symptoms. She doesn't believe I can have an ED because I'm capable of eating appropriately MOST days. But for months now, I've been living off the same thing for breakfast every day, no lunch, a small snack in the afternoon, and a small bit of what she makes for dinner. In her eyes because I'm not underweight I can't have an ED. She just keeps saying if I can't get things under control then I can't do to college.
@xxParkerxx
That sounds really frustrating, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Your mom is wrong about EDs—weight doesn’t define them at all. People of all sizes can struggle with disordered eating, and it sounds like you’ve been stuck in a cycle that’s really affecting your life. You’re clearly aware of your habits, which is huge, and it shows that you’re thinking about things in a deeper way than she is.
It makes sense that you’re eating the same breakfast every day—sometimes familiarity in food feels safer or more manageable, and that’s valid. But the fact that she’s tying your college plans to “getting this under control” isn’t fair. You deserve support, not ultimatums. If you're okay with it, I’d be happy to keep talking with you and offering support however I can. You're not alone in this, and you deserve to be heard.
Just a side note since you're 16 and I am not an Adult teen listener, any support I give would have to be forum-based.
@Remina
Thanks! I have my therapy appointment today to try and talk to my therapist about what needs to change, so I guess we'll see how that goes.
@xxParkerxx
Fingers crossed. Let me know how that discussion with your therapist goes, okay?
@Remina
My therapist basically dropped me. Told me she doesn't treat EDs. She referred me to another therapist so I'm waiting on the office to call me back to schedule my first appointment.
I just have to try to not get worse. I am so tempted to just stop eating.
@xxParkerxx
I’m sorry to hear your therapist just basically dropped you. That’s so unprofessional of her. I hope you hear back soon from a new therapist. I understand that the ED voice is loud right now and it’s hard to resist these urges. What thoughts mainly come to you when you don’t want to eat?
@Remina
I have an appt for 3pm tomorrow.
The thoughts are a myriad of things. I'm fat. I'm disgusting. I don't deserve food. I need control. I'm a horrible human. Mainly the first two tho. I'm hoping the new therapist can give me some good tools to deal with the thoughts.
@xxParkerxx
Okay 3pm, tomorrow, that's soon. How do you feel about the upcoming appointment? I am sorry to hear that your thoughts are that mean. I hope the new therapist can help give you tools to deal with the thoughts. Have you ever tried to challenge the thoughts?
@Remina
I'm really nervous about making the right impression on her.
What exactly do you mean by challenging them?
@xxParkerxx
Totally understandable that you want to make a good impression. Remember a good therapist will not judge you. You are aware of what you want and need. Go in with that and the rest should be led by the therapist.
Challenging your thoughts means questioning your beliefs, assumptions, and perspectives rather than just accepting the thoughts at face value. So, for example, you may think you don't deserve food, so you should ask yourself why that is and what is the evidence behind it. Challenging thoughts means being open to new ideas, seeking evidence, and critically analyzing your viewpoints to either refine or expand them. It can be uncomfortable, but it can work.
@Remina
I know she won't judge I'm just scared.
I've never tried challenging the thoughts. I've been working on the recovery concept of separating yourself from the ed thoughts and then disagreeing with them.
@xxParkerxx
I understand being scared. It's okay to be scared. You just want to feel better. I see, separating yourself from the ed thoughts and disagreeing with them is a good technique. How has that been working for you? How do you feel about trying to challenge some of the thoughts?
@Remina
It's been working ok. I've been struggling with the next step, which is to disobey the thoughts. I feel like I can either disagree or disobey but not both bc I just don't have the mental energy to do both.
I'm not sure challenging the thoughts would work, because I often can't find proof against them. If that makes sense?
@Remina
The appointment went well. I actually really like her!
@xxParkerxx
Hello! I am glad to hear that your therapy went well and that you like your therapist! I hear you on being stuck on that step with separating your ED thoughts. and it makes perfect sense as to why you cant challenge them. Do you feel that you might be able to ask the therapist for help with getting better at separating the thoughts?
@Remina
Yea I think so! I am gonna ask her for coping skills to handle them too
@xxParkerxx
Awesome!! I am glad you now have this therapist in your toolbox. How are you feeling now that you have a therapist who understands you so far?
@Remina
It feels great to have someone who gets it when I say stuff that doesn't completely make sense to the average person
@xxParkerxx
That is an awesome feeling for sure. I am so glad to hear that you have her in your corner now. I hope that she is able to help you with everything that you want help on.
Hey xxParkerxx, I hear you, therapists could be so unhelpful sometimes, but you’ll probably be able to find another one that’s more helpful. They are there to help you after all. And it sounds like you have a vision of what you want to try to get better. Since you seem proactive.
The correct way she should’ve reacted in my opinion was either suggest reasons why you two need to pivot strategies or just to go for your idea.
In my experience it takes a while to find a therapist that’s right for you. Maybe it’s time to reconsider.
It sounds to me like she's not the right therapist for you. But it sounds like you know that already. I know it takes time to find once that works for you, but this makes sense: we don't click with most people that we meet. And 50% of therapists are in the bottom half of their profession so, it's not a shocker that you're with one that "doesn't treat eating disorders," as if that even makes sense.
@ShiningPanda13
What shocks me about the whole doesn't treat eating disorders thing is she's been in practice, as a trauma therapist, mind you, for over 10 years. Trauma and ed's are inextricably tied.