I feel like I’m going crazy
TW: SA & SH
3 years ago, I was stuck in a sexually abusive relationship. It took me months to leave. It started consensual but it would hurt. I’d ask to stop and he would beg to keep going until I felt no choice but to give in. One night, it happened and I said I want to stop. Again, he begged, but this time I said no. I was in too much pain. He held me there and I told him I was serious and he said he was serious too. Another time when I did give in, I bled. He would say some things that was alarming throughout the relationship. He told me he liked it during periods cause he fantasized about causing the bleeding, he said he wanted to have “one more go” with my body after I d/e, he wanted to open the relationship even after I said no.
When I brought up what he did before the brake up, he started crying and saying “I’m sorry for r*ping you.” I didn’t use that word until he said it. He begged me not to go to police or tell anybody. He would talk about how he wanted to ki// himself because of what he did and sent a pic of him c*tting himself. When I started telling people what he did, he started telling them it was a “misunderstanding,” he thought I was “playing,” and that I’m crazy, a liar, and a b. He makes me out as some jealous ex. He’s defaced not only my body but my name.
I came across a video on social media that went somewhat viral. My stomach dropped and my head started spinning. It was him. With a girl. His girl. I had a panic attack and nearly puked. It was startling seeing him, especially when I least expected it cause I’ve blocked everyone who knows him. I couldn’t help but send a message to her explaining what he did, but then blocked her. I cannot stomach a reply from her if she doesn’t believe me. This is his 3rd gf I’ve messaged. First believed me, second came to me and bragged bout how great his d was so I told her and she didn’t believe me. This was the 3rd. I’ve had his friend and brother harass me about lying about him being a r4pist. I feel like I’m going crazy, it’s a loop of getting somewhat better just to be reminded or harassed and it’s a mental spiral again. I’m deleting all social media and want to move to another country. I have this endless hate and anger in my chest. I can’t take this and just want this spiral to end.
Prayer to bring you peace of mind. 🙏
It is good that you left him and even try to let those women also know his abusive side. However, it may be better for your safety and mental health to not engage or reach out to his social circle or any future girlfriends unless they initiate the contact.
What he did is R. Even if it started as consensual, if you told him to stop, he must stop. Anything beyond that is R. In term of the act of intimacy, the v and d is not a one size fit all. Maybe you have a harder time accommodating him and him discarding your pain was super bad as a partner n person. The other women may not have your physical issue therefore your experience may not be relevant to them. N if they have kink, well, I guess they found each other.
I pray for your healing!
I forgot to say, don’t hold onto the anger and the hate. Let it go. It was three years ago. He is now gone. Out of your life. Do not let the shadow of him rule your mind. I hope the best for you.
None of it was your fault, none of what will come for others he dates is your fault.
The evil that lives inside the people who feel so justified behaving in such ways is way beyond what should ever be.
Give yourself compassion and empathy, grieve for the girl who endured this and let her go. These things change you and that's okay. Not what happened or the reason you change but changing is okay. Embrace and embody a new version of you, on your road to healing.
It may feel long and it may feel hard but you will reach a day where you feel empowered and beautiful. You will feel confident and strong. You deserve to reach that day and experience the positivity and beauty of your life to come.
Sending you warm wishes and genuine admiration for the profound strength I see in you, even though you may not see or feel it right now. It takes an incredible person with a deep and intricate heart to reach out to others trying to protect them despite the cost to themselves. Not to mention to share their story as you have to so many.
Keep going, you truly are a beautiful soul.
@SomberDreams you've been through a lot and you're so strong to share your story. Healing may take a lot of time but it will happen. I pray for you. Please keep your safety and well being as first priority. Once again I'm deeply saddened by your story, I feel your pain and I just want to say you're not in this alone ...
