I'm losing it
Hello everyone, maybe it's a bit too much talking about my problems and mental health issues here, but if this post breaks some kind of guideline the mods will take it down, and I won't cry about it.
[Tw: self harm, suicide, schizophrenia (I guess, I don't know), relationships issues, bipolarism (again, I don't really know)]
Let's face it, I should be an happy man. I have a lovely girlfriend, school is more interesting, music is good and reading has never been more enlightening. I have a wonderful family, and the stuff I dealt with in the past is mostly gone. But damn, what is happening with me?
In the past there was a girl who abused me, she kicked me in front of my friends so I couldn't react, not like I would have, I was a chill guy. She humiliated me, told me to suicide, but for all that is over our comprehension I still loved her. I think I have some kind of trauma, because I shouldn't have seen her when she wasn't there. I shouldn't have talked to her when my room was empty. But she was there, except she wasn't. At some point another non-existing man came up, and he was bitter like a raw lemon. For years I talked to these people, and they convinced me of what they wanted, they did what they wanted me to do. Self-harming, writing bad stuff, to the point that I attempted "the bad ending". But at some point she disappeared completely. And I had a strong visualisation of this guy burning alive in front of me last month. He's gone since.
But the allucination keep coming. I was at the city and at some point I saw a greek statue talking to me, saying "Who are you, and what are you doing here?". It never happened before, and it was literally three days ago. That same day I saw the walls of the houses become human skin and I was walking on blood.
I can't do this anymore. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm afraid of discovering it. I'm a monster, a loser, I don't know nothing. I am capable of nothing. Why there has got to be this clock in my head telling me that death is near?
Do I deserve it? What did I do wrong to deserve this? I can't, I can't, I can't do this anymore.
There is no one responding to my messages, so sorry about this long tread. And sorry about my face.
@LezonorG
Dear friend,
I haven't read such a hearbreaking post for a long time... I am so sorry that you are experiencing so much pain in your life. What is going on in your life are indeed some hardcore hardships...
As far as you are having such hallucinations, and I know that this is sooo much easier said than done, but I believe you will need to learn to decrease the gravity of them. To treat them like a fart in the wind. Treating them like something that is happening, but not impacting you or preventing you in living your life.
Are you perhaps taking any medication or seeing a professional?
I am sending you lots of support and strength to bear through this! ❤️ Just don't give up!
Thanks, I really appreciate your each word. Like, thank you really much.
@LezonorG
Hey friend,
life is tough and people sometimes are not the people we wish we they were. Please reach out if you feel like harming yourself or others. There are a lot of people who go through similar experiences. Just know you are not alone, but it is very important to reach out.
I'm really greatful to your message, thank you really much!
you have some interesting adventures. Reading this reminds me of the time i visualized seeing my ex, i visited my home town again after moving away from the mess and lost friends that passed away. I cant tell if i really saw her getting gas or not, or if i really saw her showering in my bathroom or not. I dont know what i do when this happens, its like time doesnt even exist, i dont even exist. Like im just in a vision, i miss her but just as we were engaged she got with a drug dealer and got addicted, felt like i wasnt enough, i try to use visions to remember things, hopefully theres some good to this curse? I remember the stuff i dont want and left feeling over whelmed by the bad i dont pay attention to the good. Thanks for sharing your stuff too
We shared some of our story, thank you for the support ❤️
@LezonorG
Brother.
Man to man. Let me tell you.
1) Go outside and get some sun. Walk. Excersise. Ride a bike. Go to the gym if you can. Do push ups in your room.
2) Eat good quality whole foods. Meat. Vegetables. Fruit. Rice. Pasta. Grains. Nuts. Drink full cream milk and water only.
3) Focus on exhausting your body and mind, so may have a good sleep. Turn your phone off before bed and SLEEP. Heal. Rest. Recover. Refocus.
4) Talk to yourself in a positive way. You may not be all the things you wish you were or perhaps even need to be. That's fine. What is NOT fine is saying things like "I have capability". You do. You have two arms and two legs like everyone else. And judging by your articulate message, a strong mind. Use it. And be strong. Tell yourself you can and you will.
5) Take care of yourself. Shower. Wash yourself. Groom. Clean your room and home. Fold your washing. The little things declutter your mind.
6) Consider seeing a psychiatrist. I saw this because I don't believe it "normal" to have visions the way you described. I would *personally* recommend doing the first 5 things on this list for an extended time before jumping on meds but it is your life and your decision.
7) Be as social as you can. It helps more than you can imagine.
Try doing some things for other people, or animals, too. It helps to take your mind off yourself and you feel good doing things for others. Its rewarding and adds value to your life.
All the best my brother.
Keep your head up for me.
-Luke
Thanks man, even by doing most of the stuff you suggested, my condition wasn't really good. I'm feeling a bit better, but I don't trust myself enough to say that I am "healed" fully. Thanks for the support, I appreciate it very much.
@LezonorG
I would recommend seeing a psych, my friend. You are welcome for the advice. Just some basic stuff, but sometimes its best to keep it simple. All the best to you my brother. I hope you heal fully in all ways mentally, physically and deep in your heart and soul. Be well my brother.
@LezonorG you will be fine dont loose hope!
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this. This is not normal, it's not only bipolar it might be something serious. Well i do believe no one has to suffer alone like that! So check with a psychiatrist, he's the one knowing what you have. With the right medication i think you'll be fine and those symptoms and hallucinations will disappear.
Try also to be more active and focus on good things, eat well, go workout, write in a journal daily... All that will help
@LezonorG I am so sorry for the abuse you had endured from your ex, but like you stated --it is all in the past. She can't hurt you anymore. She can't harm you. She can't control you. Now is the time to reclaim your power back. Now is the time to heal. You have a lot to be thankful for. You are blessed without doubt. Reading your post, almost seemed so poetic. So narrative because it told a story. It is heartbreaking to read though because you shouldn't have to made to feel that way. It's unfortunate you had to experience that. Have you tried seeing a mental health professional trained in this area? Im never the one to say "get therapy, get on medicines" but the fact of the matte is... I have a stepbrother that's schizophrenic and he goes through his spells. I see the benefits of what medicines do for him, though there is no magic pill or a magic cure. There is help available and only a trained doctor would be able to help in that sense. However, there are many amazing listeners on here who can offer support to you by just listening to you. Though they can't give advice, it's always a relief to not have to bottle things inside. And a relief when one is able to just have someone chat with and be there. Reading your posting again, makes me smile because of the fact you realize the GOOD you have currently in your life. A great gf, schooling, supportive family, music, books, etc. It just makes me happy that you recognize it. For many identifying the good in life is a struggle but not for you. I am proud of you and I have hope for you. I wish you happiness and healing. One day at a time. Take care. <3
Wow this replay made me almost cry. I am really thankful for your words, they mean a lot to me. Thank you, thank you a lot.
@LezonorG You are most welcome. :)
