I'm not okay (sad content)

Okay and I'm tired of this I'm genuinely not okay. I do not know why or maybe I do, it's just I'm done with it. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing makes me excited. Apart from bring in heartwrenching physical pain, I can barely have the motivation to do anything. Even 2 weeks ago I was able to achieve everything in line with my to do list. I don't know if iit'smy relative' passing which I can't even process or memories of my ex suddenly coming at me and integrating which actually feels like regression and it's so overwhelming really so much affection coming back and even still dreaming about it and the breakup was over a yr ago and we went no contact completely 7 months ago and I'm still stuck on this same old tune and I don't resent myself for it, it's just I'm so done with the universe it's like how much pain will u give me. And everything's *** up and I can't muster up the energy to talk to anyone in my circle, it's so draining to try when I'm only misunderstood that's not to say they are bad but sometimes they just don't get me and slowly I feel like I'm losing them all .. I don't want to get to close to my parents bcoz of past trauma and triggers. The girl I called my best friend triggered me and broke my trust a while ago so I keep her at a distance. Them there's this other girl who's 2 years younger and always acts immature and clingy but was fun and affectionate to be with. But there there are constant misunderstandings and I don't want to hangout with her outside of bus but she constantly calls and texts which drains my energy causing me to snap sometimes. Like haven't I set a boundary so many times. And I shud stop hanging out with her outside of bus but I'm just so lonely and bored thats why i do a few times. But yesterday she called me and i went to the cafe with her and she called her other friend without asking me (who wasnt bad but still) and then only talked to her which made sense coz im not such a great person around her. She doesnt bring out the best in me. Then at the end i stood up and told her why she even called me if she had to ignore me and other stuff. She was like 'we only bangout coz we were both bored and had nothing better to do' which was the breaking point. I told her id had enough and asked her to never text or call outside of bus and walked away. Things are ok now ***. But each fight is still triggering me coz of the fights with my ex and i feel so paranoid so many times. Its like my identity is glued to that and its so bad and ik im seriously getging better but this whole things just painful. My gang with whom I used to always hv fun is drifting apart from and I feel left behind not to mention my exs absence in the gang justakes it feel like a black hole I don't even know what I'm talking about and this point. So yeah either I'm not close enough or don't trust someone enough to really hv them sit with me and not misunderstand when I say I'm not okay. Coz when I do, all the follow up texts I get is 'are u better now? Are things better now' as if I'm not allowed to not to be okay as if it's some kind of inconvenience to them that I'm taking so long to get over my ex, so long to be okay. But *** i sometimes fall into the trap of doing that for yhem too. Just because I felt completely healed and happy 2 weeks ago, do I hv to sit with that stupid expectation? Even when I bumped into my ex or my relative passed I tried to focus on myself on gratitude. But now I'm just done. I'm done with this pain and holding it together just coz I'm used to. I'm done. And since it was so hard to reach out to anyone, I reached out here. Reaching out to a helpline is quicker, but scarier. I'm not okay. I haven't been for a while. And I wud pls appreciate personalized and comforting answers over discipline related ones. It's just not what I need right now. Thank you.