Is what other people think of you "None of your business"
I messaged with a person (K) that I lived with and we broke up over her 'trust issues' a long time ago. I heard that her son was having some troubles and I wondered if there was a way I could help.
She asked me if I wanted to meet up and after discussing this with my wife I said I would. After that she ghosted me. I am pretty certain that in K's mind, my agreeing to coffee translated into that I would be unfaithful to my wife with her. (Not a chance)
This was really bothering me and I thought about actively seeking to meet with her to hopefully set the record straight.
I spoke to a listener here and said that it really bothered me that K, who always thought I couldn't be trusted, now thought for sure that I couldn't be trusted. The listener told me "What she thinks of you is none of your business", and that has stuck in my mind ever since. So I ask here, do you think that what someone thinks of you is none of your business?
@IHeartEggsBenedict
Interesting question and while i can see it both ways .... not to let what others think bother us..... that should apply to acquaintances or strangers.
But when someone who is /was a friend has the wrong idea or perception of us. I think it could be our business. If a false perception is interfering with your ability to help her son in this case or in many other cases keep people estranged, it should be our business to set the record straight.
I wonder how many things have been missed out upon by people who have a misguided ideas about others.
@toughTiger6481 in this particular case, she pushed me away because she didn't trust me, married someone else and then they split up. I think she needs to think that she was right to push me away or else she'd feel worse. Honestly, I'm torn because she'd probably feel worst knowing that she could have trusted me.
Here's a comparison: I have an old friend Susan that I never dated and we never were anything but friends. One time I went out to a social situation with Susan, I invited K to join us but she couldn't come. I told K that I still intended to meet up with Susan and the next day she lost it on me. She sounded crazy with how angry she was.
I'm still friends with Susan and a couple years ago I told my wife that I'd like to go visit Susan, and since it's 100 miles each way, that I wanted to stay over and that Susan had a guest bedroom. NO PROBLEM!
I loved K dearly, and we went through some stuff together, and at the time I really wanted to make it work with her, but, the crazy jealousy and mistrust made me be not my best. In retrospect, I think it was always doomed.
Meanwhile, I'm married 26 years to the love of my life, so, it's all good
@IHeartEggsBenedict
So the issue was hers and.... yes, I can imagine many people go to great lengths to justify they were "right" about ending things etc. Even if they were not.... since the trust issue only applies to her then NO what she thinks of you is of no matter to you.
Most of the times I felt it was my business in my life was when i was unfairly judged and they were spreading a false perception. in business relations it was my business to clear things up.
A very good question with layered answers depending on each person's perception.
Usually I take the same stance as explained to you however after a recent incident in my own family dynamic I learned that 'lose lips' tied to incorrect thought can cause irreparable damage to relationships.
So in answer sometimes yes and sometimes no.
@Rainboho fair enough. Thanks for your thoughtful reply.
May be its not trust issues that made her ghost you. She is the one who asked for meetup right. Then when you said yes, she can think like, he is a married man, i shouldnt have asked. Now he is someone else man, i shouldnt have asked help.She may be thought that as her fault. She might be thinking, between both of you, it ended long back, she pushed you away so you may be not considering her even as a friend. She shouldnt disturb you... Like this she can think. Who knows. Human minds are complicated. You never know what is in their mind.
You think like this, because that trust issue she had and the way she pushed you made question your self. You know you are a trustful person, but she put you in spot where you have prove it. Thats bad for your mental health. Thats why all her action, you are thinking like she still thinks that i am not trustful, thats why she ghosted. Now i have to prove it wrong. No need for it. You are already married and leading a happy life. Your wife trust you. That is the biggest proof. And your ex, now she also know that you are good person. Otherwise she shouldnt have asked for meetup.
@summertime2121 I'm content with letting it go. My original question has more to do with my meditation on what the listener told me, and my thinking about how it applies to other parts of my life.
For example, I attempted to start a business around an invention of mine. I brought in a friend who ended up doing a horrible job and taking his advice led to the whole thing going down in flames.
Somehow this results in him thinking that *I* screwed *him* over, and despite numerous attempts to restore the friendship, and work out out differences on the business side of things, our relationship both personal and business are ended.
Is it my business what he thinks of me? I guess it's really not, it is my business what he might tell others about me.
@IHeartEggsBenedict oo ok. Now i got your point.
@IHeartEggsBenedict
For me, this statement has two sides. On one hand, it’s easy to say, “What people think of you isn’t your cbussiness” and in an ideal world, it would be amazing if we could feel so free from worry about others’ opinions. Not caring about what people think could liberate us to be our authentic selves without fear of judgment.
On the other hand, we are emotional beings, and it’s completely normal to want others to like and accept us. This desire for connection and approval is deeply ingrained, especially when it involves someone we care about, like a friend. If you’ve acted with good intentions to help her, it’s natural to feel hurt if her behavior seems dismissive or unkind
@WeronikaSunshine thanks
@IHEARTEGGSBENEDICT why do you want to know what people think of you? In a way that's a real gray area. I learned not to bother/care about what other people think of me. If they don't like me then thats their loss! Do I think it's my business on what others think of me? No I don't. I learned to not care on what other people think of me. When I learned that! A whole weight was lifted off me! What really matters is what you think of your self.
@compassionateMoon4024I was referring to a specific situation. Generally I don't care.
I think it's literally your business. Perhaps the listener meant to say you shouldn't worry much as you really have no control over people's opinions.
People's opinions are formed based on their experiences, there's no much you can control in that regards.
