Its been hard..

‼️TW: MILD (i dont mention details, just mild terms and mentions, if it triggers you still is fine not to read) mild mentions of DV, conflicts, survival mode states like fawn and shutdown (just in case those states do trigger anyone), mistreatment, mild mentions of passive SI and SH thoughts.

Heyy, its pretty hard to function. i terribly hate my home, ppl say the walls r hear-thru, and i need vocalization for regulation and if that is true and someone hears me truely then idk what to say other than idk how ppl live...i get anxious alot if ppl hear me when i speak specifically upstairs, neighbors n stuff, i have OCD and i might have "Just Right" OCD along w/ Tourettic OCD, so with speech, if i mess up a word or tone or something i keep repeating it and atp i just dissosaite.

Me n my Ma have been distant, specifically atp, since that one post i think? or maybe even earlier, i decided to tell myself i dont need her anymore, (_{wasnt the full truth, however i couldnt take the altercations anymore they were physical}) so i just started distancing myself. It has become to the point where i have become more secretive and distrustful of ppl. I've just been stopping at times for reaching out for help, 1 cus of bein dissapointed, 2 cus of the fear of bein 'too much' (even tho im not and if someone thinks that way then they can go kick rocks and check their morals) 3 cus who knows who you're talking to, 4 can be cus of bein misunderstood. see, ill be real i did say dis before but i am isolated w/ my parents. they r not good ppl, well.. ill say not good ppl to be around espc everyday...idk how much of a good person ma is , i deff know pops isnt that much..idk, personally theyre not good ppl. & ive noticed , becus of constant mistreatment, sortofneglectidk, insults during arguments, passive agression, carelessness, etc, that i have become more angry. thats normal, thats natural. anyone who is pushed to their brink will become   angry or however u wanna call it. theres this thing called reactive 'abuse' (is not rlly abuse idk who named it however in simple terms, when the person being abused reaches their limit and starts defending themselves 😒 stg these terms always seem abuser friendly..) you have a tiger, and you constantly mistreat it, insult it, hurt it, what is it gonna do? yeah..yeah. What about a flower? you have this lovely flower and you contstanly mistreat it , hurt it, insult it, n blame it? it will do whatever the consequence is . and shame on ppl who would rather shame ppl for reaching their breaking point than helping them. ive seen it. and its ppl oathing their good ppl yet somehow thinking being good means rubbing it in someones face who survived the same thing they possibly survived but did something different. This is what i mean when i say trauma informed, based on my last post id love to at sum point, however ppl who survive mistreatment can become angry for good reason, thats activation, and thats healthy as long as its managed. then theres freeze/shutdown or fawn, that atp you just double down. Theres a threat? anxiety helps u flee, anger helps you defend, shutdown makes u pretend ur yk and literally numbs pain, and fawn pleases the threat to escape. so im not so sure what the ppl i spoke abt r comparing abt u still went thru it and no point in shaming someone in a different survival mechanism cus anyone can go thru it. And back to present time, we only mainly have arguments as of recent, me n ma. however is without repair, only quick cover ups. (_{which i ask a apology but my ocd is active during it so its structured})which sucks. Wont go to her any time soon to speak to her abt this, she has turned into a full on immature parent, its suprising actually, it takes 5 min for her to start being angry. pretty explosive, and i still feel bad speakn abt her. (_{theres like a small voice in my head saying 'its my mother..☹️'}) and pops is a bully. so im struggling with both parents being emotionally immature, father being more rude and mother being more gaslightful and truly eblieve she did nun wrong. i cannot go out by myself yet as i dont feel safe, however might i mention idk which parent to go w/ cus they is not safe and i worry abt em bein a trigger for me in public, as the before of me going to the respite my pops was rude and mean to me before going there, and i- idk...i just need a safe person. thats all. i need a new T as the one i have i dont feel like we click and sum happened where my trust got broken durin a session. (  _{did relate to Ma,   repair was pretty tuff to come by tho theyd get defensive when id bring up sumthin that they didnt remember , afterwards few sessions were defensive , then the repair did come, not for the defensive sessions tho. )  until then i need to do something before i do switch cus i do not feel supported. Idk how i am going to do exposure goin outside as idk who ill go with. a 988 consulor recommended maybe calling the peer line while im outside so i can be on call w/ someone. maybe? idk, i been trying to practice tho. has anyone been in my situation? it seems like my parents feel like water yk? theres no boundaries, no boundaries with emotions, choices, actions. and this post is hard to share in general, i might delete it (}pls do tell me how to delete posts as i know abt the flag and other reason one however if theres more pls dooo tell_{) If anyone has been thru this where theyve been left alone with a} mother gothel like family ,  _{not been taught basic skills and (saefty skills) espc when going out in the world, not havin any fiends, or safe fam members, then becoming nearly hyper independent and dissosaited, what did yall do? i dont like sharing all of thi sbut i have been wanting to a bit, if i dont like it i will delete. i just would like to inform that u may see me on the forums just keep in mind im still struggling with this everyday and need some compassion, be mindful and kind and respectful. as i still struggle w/ anger-sadness and distrust of ppl and hyperviglience and do not want to loose trust in ppl fully.}