Just Venting
Nothing about this is a fact, it's my raw opinion on myself. For the thought to be coherent and not confusing i'll be speaking with the voice of my mind, with my feelings and my body being a total separate entity.
For a guy who doesn't discriminate on anyone with his criticism and cynism, i've been strangely nice to myself, thing that surprised me until i overthought about it, and now we're back to normal programming, now i can't afford to be nice to myself, things had to change sooner or later, the tools used became second priority.
I can't believe how lazy i've gotten lazely, i can't do anything without doomscrolling, the pinnacle of human mind rot, and that's not even the biggest issue, the biggest issue is that i'm not doing anything about it, sitting there like a total moron just going at it knowing perfectly fine and repeating it to myself constantly that i was a damn useless vessel if i couldn't let go of something like that.
I can't believe how f*cking much of a failure i'm becoming, how much of a failure i'm now, i really have to start listing the stuff i'm bad at? I won't because i know this has a character limit somewhere, but it's enough to condemn myself to oblivion and beyond, i've become what i hated most, i'm mediocre, things aren't going horrible, but they tend to go that way, and i hate it more that way than actually being miserable, but i just WON'T listen to myself, i'm deaf to my own words.
Man i just wish, really really damn wish things actually went good for once in my life, i have the predisposition, i have the will to do good stuff, i have the tools to do it right, but this damn useless body won't get his stuff right, i hate everything about it, how easily it gives up, how much of limiting it can be, how much it fears, how much it cares about the opinion of others.
Looking at the mirror everyday? I just get a reminder on how this isn't probably the day where stuff gets better, they say you're your biggest enemy, damn this as*hole has some really really personal beef with me, but i'm stuck with it, what can i do? Keep complaining all my life? Maybe i'll do, it's what i do best, and use that to also (questionably) guide people in a good path even if they end up hating me, i wouldn't blame them, i do as well.
@SaviSSS
Yes! Keep complaining!
Your feelings are valid. Your fears are valid.
A teacher of behaviour once told me that the minute you try to stop a behaviour, you've lost. Its the pink elephant effect - the more you try to stop thinking of it, the more you think of it.
Stuff the "shoulds". You know better what you need than the should-ers. Embrace the doom scrolling as a need. You are doing it for a valid reason. Allow yourself to see it as needed, and then it generally becomes much easier to see why it is needed. And then much easier to find something else to do that meets the need.
You're going to be OK. You'll figure it out.