Marriage issue
I have been married for 7 years. 1.5 yrs back i discovered my husband was talking to a lady who is apparently connected with my past. This lady is the wife of one of the guy i had a fling with and she apparently holds grudges against me because her marriage is not going well. I am in no way connected with her present life but still she casually connected with my husband over social media and started talking to get acquainted with our life. Then they met and she told him about my past and also discussed her current marriage issues. My husband didn't tell me anything as he thought that there is no point bringing up past things where he was not in picture and i am nowhere involved in their current life. But his behaviour led me to check his phone and i found that they met. We had a nasty fight and i asked him to cut ties with her, he agreed. I chose to beleive him but got anxious one month later and checked his phone again to find that they both have been in contant touch and used to have long calls and chats. He used to lock yhe hats and delete them. I saw chats in bits and pieces but didn't confront. He kept on lying that he doesn't talk to her and i kept on checking his phone to find evidences. They started getting emotionally attached and that is when i lost my cool. I told him to end this marriage and continue whatever he has with that lady, but he refused and denied everything and labelled it as a friendship and that he is trying to help her in fixing her marriage. This lady gradually demanded more of his attention and time and they used to fight on this. What i feel is that my husband wanted to keep his marriage intact for his social status and have this affair in the backend. Since she was also married he didn't expect that she would want so much of his time. That lady's husband was emotionally unavailable for her and so she kept leaning on my husband and he started enjoying this attention.
I had also found chats where he confessed his love for her and mentioned that how he wished they're together in each other's arm in yheir own world away fromm everyone else. But he never confessed this and till date he wants me to believe they're just friends helping each other. I also know they slept with each other once as i had found condom and he said he used it for masturbation.
My husband and I are not sexually intimate, he confessed that he is a porn addict and he masturbates and so he doesn't have any urge for me. I honestly never enjoyed sex with him and was left unsatisfied.
My husband wants to continue this marriage and wants me to forget the past as he says he is no more in touch with her but I can't trust him anymore. Also i don't have access to his phone to validate this.
Also most of the time i feel the love has evaporated and also being sexually distant adds to it.
I am maybe at this point just very habituated to be living with him and hence i am not able to make up my mind about yhe fate of this marriage. I feel lonely and depressed most of the time, also the past year's episode hits me frequently to pull me down.
I don't know what to do. I never discussed this issue with anyone and it chokes me sometimes.
@Dynamicscream0501
Sounds like she started this perhaps to cause issues for you because her marriage to one of your ex has not gone well. perhaps she blames you as ex said something to let her believe that.
You will need to have a real discussion and find a way to communicate.... i say that because many talk at each other or have communication styles that do not really convey things to each other.
IF you want to stay perhaps ask him how he would feel if situation was reversed. make him see you are lonely in your marriage. YOUR spouse is emotionally unavailable to YOU if he is being there for someone else.
If this woman started this why not get in touch with her spouse...... maybe he is unaware of her "friendship" with your spouse. If you are unhappy and want more maybe it is time to break out of comfort of your current situation and find your happy.... depressed and lonely and unsatisfied in a relationship is miserable. i lived that life and would not want for anyone..
Thank you for your suggestions.
I did reach out to her husband last year to let him know what she was up to. He also also furious and had mentioned that he had warned her not to do so. But je himself was fed up of her and wanted to separate. I heard he had filed for divorce last december. So looks like he has no interest in stopping her anymore.
I even asked my husband that what he would have done if the situation was reversed. He responded saying he can't think of a hypothetical situation and couldn't answer.
He just wants me to behave normally like before because he beleives that i am not aware about the romantic part which he has never told me about.
He would always gaslight and manipulate me and would blame me that all these are happening because of my past and starts pulling out the victim card. He gets extremely defensive
If i am sad and i seem to feel low, he will constantly come and nag around me to feel better. I feel very confused in this marriage
@Dynamicscream0501
I am sorry as that is not a good position to be in. It seems many people get defensive and many times they know or feel we will back down and we often do to keep the peace but in the end you are paying for this "peace " with your happiness.
they can not gaslight us if we do NOT believe anything they say..... he gave up any trust or respect you had for him
bringing up things from the past are just a tool for those who have no argument ..... if you want to leave find a way ... plan set aside money make sure you have a good accounting for martial assets so you get half. i would call him out on things he does not know you already know.... do not shut yourself down just to be treated poorly. when i stood up and did not buy into BS we are now equal and partner would not dare try to play head games.
@toughTiger6481 since last week he is trying to be around me, hug me etc, though nothing sexual because he doesn't get the urge. I am acting neutral because I don't think i feel that passionately for him anymore. We do have separate finance, we both dutch towards household expenses but rest is separate.
At this moment for me it's more like living with someone whom i am habituated to live with for 7 years. I have stopped taking interest in his things like i used to.
I am confused about how do i get to that point where i am 100% sure that i want to leave no matter what
@Dynamicscream0501
I totally get that I live in similar situation
my spouse because of medical issues no longer interested in sex at all ......runs from hugs since I may want more .....acts like things are OK around others...... but are just glorified roommates. sounds like yours feels you pulling away and considering what is next...... that is when nice things happen an interest in us or hugs etc... try to be more thoughtful etc.
I think it is fear in my case of what would it be like alone ... is a person i know completely better then taking a chance meeting new people or dating etc. or worse yet being completely alone ......
@toughTiger6481 you are bang on, i also have the same fear of being alone and having to start over again if i chose to date someone post ending this marriage.
Also the social stigma that is attached to it, being sympathised by everyone etc.
I also worry about my parents because i had lost my brother 14yrs back and they went through a lot to cope up with the loss. I mulyself suffered so much to cope up. So announcing my separation to them will be another stressful event for me. Knowing them, they will not sit quiet after knowing what my husband did. On the other hand my husband will also leave no stone unturned to hurt them and might turn abusive too. All these drama males me very apprehensive
I don't want to drag my parents but he might drag them and make it extremely ugly for all of us. He doesn't even listen to his parents, he is that kind of person who will burn the entire village if he is hurt.
@Dynamicscream0501 I'm feel sorry for you. It must be really hard getting cheated by your husband, but don't worry if you ever need someone to talk about your feelings, to vent out or just someone you can call a friend. I'm just a message away!
@darkmessiah thank you for your extended support
@Dynamicscream0501 My pleasure!
@Dynamicscream0501Sometimes in life we go through some tough times but we should try and hold on. If you're looking for a way to repair or improve your marriage or relationship, and make your ex get back with you, then I'm glad you have found one.
@jessicabrown1212 thank you for your kind words. I would want to heal from it and would want to know how what should i do to leave this behind and move forward
@Dynamicscream0501 With a marriage like what you described, who needs spinsterdom?
It's pretty obvious that the whole thing cannot be salvaged or fixed. Time for you to lawyer up, get that divorce & make him pay for his infidelity...in every way. If you've kept sufficient records of your husband's dalliances with the other woman, then you have more than enough to at least have him cover any legal fees...perhaps compensate you for pain & suffering as well.
@slowdecline48 thank you for providing me a perspective
Hi @Dynamicscream. What you're going through/have gone through is horrendous. I'm sorry you're living like this.
These are my personal thoughts:
Honestly, this doesn't sound like a marriage that's salvageable. You seem to know that yourself with your attempts to break it off. You can file for divorce yourself - you don't need your husband to be there.
Let's look at the possibility that your husband does break off with this other woman. Would you be happy? Would you be able to ever trust him again? Will your relationship really improve? If you have doubts about any of these, then the answer is clear. And honestly, I think you already know the answer, but your heart is fighting with your head. And no one can blame you for that.
This may sound very blunt, but misery loves company and miserable people deserve each other. This woman almost sound like she has a vendetta against you. Any good friend would recognise that and be on your side, let alone your husband. Being caught once and having an argument to clear the air is one thing. But what you've described sounds like a nightmare that is in your husband's best interests to keep up and not yours.
It's scary going into uncharted territory at the best of times, so this may be why you're posting here for help. But what's scarier? Breaking off from this person, or staying with this person and never knowing what could have been? Never knowing if you would find a man who actually has your corner and can give you the satisfaction you need?
I wish you the best of luck and please look after yourself. I hope you can take the courage to see your self-worth and leave this person. What heats me up more is we both know if the gender roles were reversed, and a woman was caught like this being involved with a man, there would be far less compassion and understanding about it.
He clearly wants to stay married for other reasons and not for you. Don't let him use you like this.
@melancholicMage thank you so much for such responding on this. All these while i was confused that whether i am making a mistake by thinking of not wanting to be in this marriage. But all of you have the same opinion about the fate of this marriage
Till last year i did beleive him that he was helping her to med her marriage with her husband and didn't have any proof to prove that he was romantically involved. This year i found few notes which he had written to her on his notes app and that's when i understood the real story.
His behaviour was very tricky, he kept behaving like he is with me and kept badmouthing about her behaviour and also pointed out her mistakes and how he is trying to make her realise and correct her. We even had long discussions on what must be wrong in her marriage. Whenever i used to feel low he would come to me and try cheering me up and also ask why i was behaving like that and whenever i told him the real reason he would manipulate me to believe that he is not doing anything wrong.
Till date he is trying to do that, he wants me to behave the way i used to be before all these happened. He never apologised for his actions, he makes it sound like it happened and I can't do anything about it. Once he uttered that he regrets meeting her in the first place but it sounded like he is saying this to pacify himself. He never made any effort to make me feel emotionally safe.
At this point i am literally scared if i pull this topic he will shout and make a scene for bringing this up again and again.
I feel so trapped, I don't want my parents to suffer between all these because i really fought with them to get married to him
His parents are literally powerless and won't be able to control him.
He is very manipulative, he does few household chores as he works from home and i have to go to my office and he boames me for being irresponsible because he has to do more. I never asked him to do but he will do it and then keep complaining.
He doesn't even have close friends because he doesn't gel well with people, he likes where he is the centre of attention. He complains about everyone.
@Dynamicscream0501 There's so many red flags the more you explain your situation. A lot of people here are just concerned for your welfare.
Also, the biggest thing here to me is what you just outlined. No healthy married couple spends their time trying to fix someone else's marriage. And honestly it just sounds like an excuse on his part, so he can keep relations with this homewrecker of a woman.
Regarding your parents, I think they'll be more relieved once you file for divorce. If they're good parents then your welfare and safety should be top priority to them. I would look up getting a divorce lawyer or a free consultation and outline this to see what your options are moving forward.
It's clear to me this man isn't a man at all and you deserve better.
@melanchoicMage thank you so much for this extended support, I don't know how to express my gratitude towards you. I joined this platform just yesterday and by today i found so many amazing souls like you who would genuinely help.
I would have considered forgiveness if my husband was genuinely guilty and pleaded for it. At this moment the woman must have cut off with him as she thinks he was not with him the way she wanted, in other words- leaving me to be with her. My husband couldn't afford to do that because that would have made his relationship with her very evident to me..
But if she reaches out to him again i think he will continue talking to her because he himself told me that her husband has filed for divorce last month. Now that she will be legally free from her marriage, high chances she will fall back on him again. He yold me he has deleted her number but if she approaches him then he will definitely start it. Now that i have no access to his phone, i will never find out.
@Dynamicscream0501 I'm so glad you're finding helpful people here. I only joined a few days ago and it's a different kind of warmth to feel appreciated for the input we freely give.
We're no experts but I don't think this is a matter that needs it - apart from the possible legal side of things.
If your husband really wanted to be with this woman, then he likely would have left you already. When you detail that he wants to maintain his marriage, it gets confusing and I can't help but wonder if it's because of the safety net you provide. Possible finance complications?
You're clearly not the gravitational pull keeping him there. The other woman's husband got out while he could, and I think it's high time you did the same. This just sounds destructive on all fronts.
Personally (I don't know your full situation), but I would drive to a friend's house or, failing that, your parents. Start the divorce process ASAP. A reminder that, again, you can file alone and your husband doesn't need to know. You can avoid any conflict by staying with friends or family. Your safety and health are paramount. It's clear this won't end well should it continue.
The fact he won't allow access to his phone anymore is incredibly telling. Anything hidden is something to hide, despite what lies he may feed you. There's a better life out there for you with someone else. Don't squander a single second more on this baby-fied man.
@melancholicMage i swear i would have been at a much better position if only he could own up to his mistakes. Even if he would have chose to walk out with that other woman things would have been clear and easier for me. You're right when you say that i am providing him with a safety net.
I have tried so many different ways to convey that i am ready to help him at every capacity if he wants to make things better. But at the end he choses to think that with time this will fade and things will be back to normal.
Sometimes i feel i am not talking in the same language that he wants me to speak. I totally understand that we are different individuals and maybe our love language is different.
Everyday i am torn between the thought that marriage is a tough journey, am i giving up on this too early, maybe he needs help, maybe there is something he needs help with but he is not able to identify that, maybe his issues are so deep rooted that he is not able to express them, keeping this marriage intact will help him to cover up all these.
I am an extremely understanding person and maybe that's why most of the time I can't be selfish with myself even though i am losing out on so much.
I know this marriage is not what i deserve but these above thoughs are somehow keeping me to work towards it every single day.
@Dynamicscream0501 You're clearly an emotionally intelligent and compassionate being. Sadly, this makes it all the easier for you to be taken advantage of by people who lack the same empathy. You're struggling with your own moral conflictions, even when you're the one being persecuted against.
A lot of users on here can see it and deep down you yourself know it, too, given the information you've relayed. It's very sad. We know your husband is using you as a means to an end, but you're too caught up in trying to 'do the right thing' to fix things. It's clear it's beyond repair at this point.
You've done nothing wrong.
Leaving him isn't a crime, nor does it make you a bad person.
You've been treat very poorly, and if you can gather evidence you can prove this to a lawyer or solicitor. No one would blame you for getting out for the sake of your own welfare.
He's clearly wrapped up in his own wants and feelings. He hasn't spared a second-thought to how you may be feeling or what you may be going through in light of his actions. That isn't a marriage. I haven't been married for nearly as long as yourself but I know that it's a partnership. It's rocky at times but if you overcome those rocks, help each other up through each foothold, you can reach the summit of that mountain time and time again to see the best view of the world.
But you can't climb that mountain if one of you is actively pulling out the pegs and ropes of the other. It's sabotage. You're sacrificing your happiness for his gain.
I think even if you left for one night, it might help you gain better perspective being away from him. Pack up some belongings and leave. Try not to answer your phone if he starts calling or demanding where you are. It sounds like you need to work through this emotionally and I know it's going to be hard. Gruelling, even. But to hear you be so clearly unhappy over such wrong-doing towards you... it's heartbreaking.
You deserve better. Life is too short to waste it on the whims of those who don't return the same compassion or love.
@MelancholicMage Excellent take. This is close to what I would've posted if I hadn't been tired when I first read the OP.
Also, @Dynamicscream0501 - if all the answers here are pointing in the same direction, there might be a good reason for that. I've read a few stories like yours...it never goes well when a decent person stays with a manipulator. From the way you describe your husband, he sounds like a fairly typical sociopath. If he is then he'll never change for the better. Nor will he ever learn why his treatment of you is wrong, because it cannot be taught. Either you're born with a capacity for empathy or not...people born without it (or who have it ground out of them by sufficient abuse during childhood) never develop it at any point in their lives thereafter. Sociopaths are basically beasts in human form. You'd be much better off without the one you're hooked up to.
Nice AI post above. Not helpful.
@Dynamicscream0501
Hi Dynamics.. I appreciate you coming here and sharing with us.
I cannot actually advice you. I can suggest few things and you can see if any of these works for you.
1. You can address this issue directly with husband calmly.
2. Seek help from professional therapist.
3. Donot blindly follow your well wishers advice. As they may not be fully aware of your situation. Decide what you feel is right.
4. I will not suggest separation considering your husband is already into someone else. But again, I don't fully know your situation.
Last but not the least, this is a sensitive situation. You and only you know how to handle it beautifully. So inspect and decide what you feel right.
We are here to support you.
Hope things work out best for You.
Hugs 🫂 🤗
@faithMonk9473 this is such a sweet response from you ☺️
And thank you for your advice, indeed i have posted a part of my story here and it doesn't show the full picture of the last 7 years, this is just a small part. I know marriage is not a bed of roses, there are struggles involved which is within someone's tolerating capacity.
Talking about it openly here with support from so many kind souls like you already makes me feel very emotionally safe and is giving me a feeling that so many are there to back me up when needed.
It was all bottled up inside me all these months and releasing them here is like a cleansing process i am going through.
@Dynamicscream0501
You're also Sweet as Sugar.
And strong that you kept it together for all this time. 💪🏻
Hoping best for you. 😊
@Dynamicscream0501
It clearly sees he is habitual of lying and not to feel guilt about it. Infact finding way to blame on you.
You being independent financially that very good point for you.
I understand sometime we are so comfortable with routine and people that is scared to think of changing it.
But that make you live in situation where you don't feel respected and loved.
What he is doing ..is for his pleasure or happiness and he is behaving selfish about it. Are you choosing thing or action which is good for your well being?
If your friend your place what advice you would give her ?
You are with him because you are scared of left alone. But in reality you are living life alone with him also . So why fear ?
If we can think all worst case scenario of leaving him thn why we can't think all good case scenario of leaving him.
Do you think you deserve all this ?
Think over this question. May it give you clarity.