Mom needs serious advice!!
Hi, I’m new here so please bear with me. I’m a mom to 4 adults & 3 grandchildren. I have an issue that’s causing me so much stress & depression I just don’t know what to do.
Backstory- My oldest son is 31 & has always lived with me. He pays half the rent & utilities. My oldest daughter is 27 & she has 2 children ages 6 & 2. She recently separated from her children’s father. He left the home & she stayed there. So my daughter asked me a month ago if she & my grandkids could come stay here with us bc she has some electrical issues & issues with mice until she can find somewhere else to rent. I told her I’d have to talk to her brother about it bc he pays for half of the bills.
My son has lots of issues with anxiety & depression. He doesn’t like being around a lot of people due to this. He works a job that requires him getting up at 2am so he has to go to bed really early.
If I had to describe my daughter in one word it would be “chaos”. She’s the type of person that will give you the shirt off of her back but there’s always chaos around.
So back to my daughter asking me if they can stay. I never really gave her an answer bc her brother didn’t want them to stay & I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But she ended up showing up one day & has been here for over a month now.
My son wants me to back him in telling her she has to either find another place or go back to her home by Friday. If I don’t back him he’s going to look into moving out. I feel horrible bc personally I’d prefer to not live with my grandchildren. Granted I love them more than anything & I watch them all the time but as we all know living with someone changes the dynamics of any relationship.
I don’t know what to do bc when I tried talking to my daughter about it she just got really mad & said I shouldn’t ever turn my back on my kids no matter how her brother feels. I tried explaining that it’s just too loud in the house nor do we really have the room. They are all 3 staying in my living room, sleeping on a blow up mattress.
Can anyone please give me some advice as to how to handle this so I don’t make either of my kids think I care more about the others needs or their situations? I’d greatly appreciate all feedback & advice.
@Candy73 Your house, their circus. Make them figure out a reasonable solution in a given timeframe or they can both move out. That way you are not taking sides.
Thank you so much! I just would feel bad to my son bc he didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just a really bad situation.
@Candy73
As a mom of adult children as well, there is no way to appease everyone... you are correct your son pays half of bills and you have no room.
Has daughter made any advances in finding somewhere or was she just letting it go on and on. set boundaries maybe a two week notice ect. Yes sometimes they will be upset but sounds like she is not ready to live on her own and wants you and brother to be the responsible ones in her kids lives.
There is a fine line between helping one out and enabling their taking advantage.
Thank you so much! That’s what I’m going to try to do to make a date. It just seems like every time I turn around it’s something else. She had to stop sending the kids to the daycare this week due to a worker being inappropriate. Her dad was going to watch them tomorrow but he lives with his mom & she said she has to much going on so now he can’t watch them. She asked me if he could come here & watch them but he’s not my oldest sons dad & they have never gotten along so that’s a no. I have a job interview tomorrow bc my place of employment *** down yesterday so I can’t do it. Plus I was really looking forward to being home tomorrow for awhile with the house being quiet & I might could actually clean but now she just asked me if one of her friends could watch them in the morning if I’d go get them after my morning interview. See, it’s just something every time you turn around. Thank you again for you kind advice!!
@Candy73
I wish you the best but as this clearly demonstrates it will be one thing after the other.
it is hard to set and keep boundaries with life happening and throwing challenges but she needs to learn seek out more solutions on her own then expect you to pick up the slack and cover her.
i have no idea how to help but sounds like unfirtunatly your gonna have to find another plase for her or im sorry it might be hard but you need to put your foot down and tell her she has a few weeks to find a plase because you didnt mention her paying rent or bills so help your son i might be biased because i dont know how muchh this dstuff can be but you cant be a peace maker for much longer
@Bazzust0 thank you so much! She isn’t paying anything bc her brother doesn’t want her to bc he says she’s not living here it’s only temporary. She had told me when she first asked if they could come here that she would pay her part but I never asked & she didn’t offer. Thank you again!!
There’s no single way to please everyone but you can always talk to them about it to work out an agreement. If it really doesn’t work out maybe talk to your daughter about staying at a hotel for the time being, it might get expensive but hopefully she can find a place to rent quickly. I hope you guys can sort this out!
Ure a mother you should not take sides
Just call ure daughter and his brother you talk about this because all ure children need you in this situation
Where’s your husband in all of this?
The mother nurtures the father disciplines. Why is she separating from her children’s father? Parents need to learn how to get along and take care of the family. That’s the point of marriage. I think the issue is deeper rooted.
@JJN123 The mother nurtures and the father disciplines? Why is she separating? Maybe asking those questions is a little too far afield off topic. Daughter dealing with mice and electrical issues. Sounds to me like she is protecting herself and her children.