Need sum support & love ☔️⛈️

Hey, so things are low again.

Im not in a place to make life altering decisions, or to process new found info that i cant take in rn.

But i feel very low. So atp im trying not to look at my hurt cus my body registered “oh so talking abt my feelings is unsafe becus it gets inconsistent support from ppl who shouldve helped n held us, and it does not feel safe bcus one of the ppl is activly angry and at heads with us” Me n my mother. Idk what happened in the course of months. My new found fear is this: “someone shows me love n support until my pain is prolonged or confusion then it becomes a short free trail of support until theyre done.”

Ive heard ppl on this app say leave the place and all, sure , but also perhaps this is a temporary leave. Perhaps for the shortwhile im gone she can get herself some sense and a break. I shouldve never had to deal with her cruel words, actions, altercations and beliefs. I dont deserve it and i do deserve a mother that changes for the better and recognizes despair and negativity clearly. I dont know if ppl do know how isolating and lonely it is when you cant rely on mom. Or father. Lost father cus he is emotionally unintellegent probably unstable to a degree and emotionally neglectful/absecent. (He showed me this side today) and now i feel like im loosin mom and its my poor nervous systems last straw. I feel age regressed or maybe not. I feel longing but know that theres nothing j can do, but just watch her fold in with anger n avoidance. Maybe my mom is a dismissive avoidant. Maybe shes not. Maybe shes just burnt out. Maybe she just does not have the capacity for my mental health. It hurts. Alot. Being all alone hurts alot too. And having no close fam to vent but strangers online hurts aswell. If there are relatives that can help me truely, id love to meet them. For now i cant do much except prioritize me, this app, crisis hotline n my therapist and possibly psychiatrist. I dont rlly trust both of em cus of certain stuff but iguess they could help if not i could change. Today i had a meltdown and was insulted and yelled at. Then blamed and called difficult or like i lost it so basicaly shamed. By the same ppl who shouldve helped me. I didnt expect this from Ma. I know abt my Dad but her? Her motherly love and protection n loyalty seems to be clouded. She said cruel words to me. I did too but the dofference is i can apologise but she needs a bunch of steps before she can and lord knows if she can fully understand it. She refuses to see her anger is the problem. Being angry is a emotion but when theres no control it ruins things. I cant change her im starting to see it. Id like one more apology before i try n head to the respite. Still need my therapist to sign her form n then well see a waitlist. It feels painful when u feel like u cannot win. No speaking with her gives depression and coldness. Getting too close gives stress and mental pain from not being treated well in desperate times. I dont want to worsen my mental health. I just feel lost n need support. If theres a listener that can support me feel free to reach out, as long as ur supportive and compassionate its all good. I do prefer female listeners cus im more comftorable w/ em but yeh, theres that. I suppose the topics i might discuss is Family Stress, DV, and PTSD n maybe loneliness but those r the main three plus the lonely one.

Idk abt the fam therapy maybe maybe not, i just feel low n mellow. N if i hugged someone id probabky start crying it all out. Who knows maybe ill delete this post in the future wish forums could be more personalized or something idk, but yeh. Its a stormy time for me. Have been tryin new stuff n im proud of me. Maybe even speaking on here abt lighthearted stuff aswell might help. Or sum funny idk honestly. Just feel like a little kid wanting my parents to see me specifically mom n her family that i need help n attention n proper care. I should mot have to beg for it. I just wish i could hug her but i cant n im lost its not like im fully rejected or fully loved well, idk maybe i am loved but maybe she cant have capacity. N thats not my burden. But its back n forth from live n acceptance to anger n disputes n dismission. It hurts n makes me feel vulnerable so yeh heres this. Also might update in the comments so yeh