PLEASE KINDLY HELP. SUGGESTIONS NEEED.
I'm dealing with anxiety, examphobia and I am about to embark on my study of A-levels (grade 12 exams) after years of educational gap. I'm trying to handle myself but I freeze thinking about the exams and I don't know how to make it go away. I'm also on medication that make me drowsy which I wanna adjust. ANOTHER THING I'M DEALING WITH ARE ALLERGIES BECAUSE BED BUGS HAVE MADE WAY INTO MY BED. The room that is supposed to be my comfort place gives me ptsd thinking about the bugs are multiplying at an infinite level and laying their eggs and giving me allergies, while I have no clue on how to make them go away. I also have ocd and this is giving me psychological distress. I feel like the bugs will follow me because I have become their food source. Please tell me how to eradicate bed bugs and make my room comfortable. Mind you, I'm not from any developed countries. I live in a *** South Asian country that doesn't have many sprays or solutions for bed bugs available on the market right now! There are pest control companies but I fear them because I recently heard a news of one pest control company messing up and killing children with poisonous gases. Please tell me what do I do. Changing apartment is not an option. I feel like God has blocked all my ways to be sane. And I need to be sane for myself and for my education. So please tell me how do I eradicate the bed bugs. I'm bawling my eyes out because of all the itching on my body and dealing with so much pressure. Help me with effective solutions please I beg of you.
@querencia798
Hey @querencia798, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. The anxiety, the pressure to restart your studies, the distressing impact of bed bugs, the medication side effects and the OCD — it’s a lot and I want you to know that struggling doesn’t make you weak. You’re human and everything you’re feeling is valid.
Let’s take this one step at a time.
First, about the bugs.... you’re not imagining it — bed bugs can be psychologically tormenting and you absolutely don’t deserve to suffer in your own space. Since commercial pest control isn’t an option, here’s a safe, powerful DIY approach-
wash and dry all bedding, clothes and curtains at the highest heat (at least 50–60°C). If you don’t have a dryer, iron clothes with steam, especially at the seams. Expose your mattress, pillows and blankets to direct afternoon sunlight for 3–4 hours as bed bugs can’t survive high heat.
If moving them isn’t possible, use a hairdryer or heat gun on the edges and seams. You can also mix salt and baking soda, sprinkle it generously around the bed frame, under the mattress and in room corners. Leave it for 1–2 days then sweep or vacuum. Stick double sided tape around the legs of your bed to trap any trying to climb.
After either method, thoroughly vacuum or sweep every corner, wall crack, skirting and mattress seam and wipe down surfaces using a 50:50 vinegar and water solution or lemon and salt spray as a natural disinfectant.
Then comes reclaiming your room as a comfort space-
burn camphor or incense to reset the energy — the scent alone can be calming.
Change your pillowcase or bedsheet (even an old one in a different colour) to help your brain perceive the space as new.
Add one object that sparks soft joy — a stuffed toy, a gentle lamp or even a note on the wall.
Next, grounding yourself- I hear you — feeling like a “food source” and imagining infestation can be overwhelming. This isn’t just about bugs... it’s about feeling out of control.
Create one bug free zone — a corner with no cloth items, make sure everything in that space is sanitized and safe. Label it “bug free zone” if it helps — don’t think it’s silly. Convince your brain that you are safe. Sit there and breathe. Try box breathing — inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4— or place your feet flat on the floor and touch something cold. Say grounding affirmations out loud.
Now, about exam anxiety- after a gap in studies your brain may go into “freeze mode” because it perceives exams as a threat — this is a natural response not a sign of failure. Break the mountain into pebbles. You don’t need to study everything right away. Choose one subject, one chapter. Even just opening the book counts — exposure alone reduces fear. Try studying in 15 minute blocks with 5 minute breaks (Pomodoro method)
Avoid pushing yourself for long hours just yet — your nervous system needs time to rebuild tolerance. Track small wins daily- write things like “Today I started a chapter” or “I studied two MCQs.” Your brain will register this progress, even if it seems small.
Finally, regarding medication drowsiness- some anxiety meds, especially SSRIs or antihistamines, can cause fatigue and brain fog. If your medication is making you too sleepy then please consider talking to your doctor about shifting the dose to the evening — if it’s medically safe.
You can also schedule focus-heavy tasks during the time of day you feel most alert (often mid-morning for many - keep a journal to track your alertness) or ---
use simple activation tools- splash cold water on your face before studying, or keep citrus scents or a cold drink nearby to help boost alertness. Most importantly, speak openly with your doctor about how you’re feeling — they may adjust the dose or recommend an alternative. You deserve medication that supports you, not something that makes things harder.
Maybe start by writing a to-do list — not for the whole week, just for today or even the next hour. Break it into the tiniest tasks possible and create little boxes you can tick off. Just 5 tasks and finish those 5 tasks. Then only write the next 5. Like:
Firstly, I wanna give you a huge thanks for writing about every concern I'm facing and offering support. I'm really touched - to the point that I'd love to get to know you as an acquaintance or friend - whatever you wish with whatever boundaries you want to keep. Because you sound really kind and similar to the only friend I have in 7 cups. I don't have any real life friends and I live a lonely life. That's why I am seeking friends or some support system here. I hope you do not mind. I'm gonna try everything you said.
@querencia798 Thank you so much for your kind message... it really touched me . I'm genuinely honoured that you feel safe enough to share this with me. And I’d be very glad to get to know you, whether as an acquaintance or a friend, whatever feels comfortable for both of us. No pressure, no expectations — just gentle, mutual support. I am not a listener so you cannot dm me. You can either text me in this thread or if you want you can start a penpal chat with me. I am okay with that.
I hope my earlier message helped or at least eased your worries.
We can continue our chat here. Maybe in future I'll make a new post and tag you and there also, we'll talk. I'm in need of kind people because you know I still feel so much grief and life is lonely where I live. I had gaps. My peers went ahead of me. I don't find soul connections. I hate living where I live. I feel like a failure sometimes for still not finishing school. So I have a 4 year gap before Igcses (grade 10 exams) because my parents made me sit a home, trapped me into an indisciplined life that brought depression, anxiety and behavioural issues. My dad's dad died and he is an emotionally immature man who can't focus on all aspects so he started prioritising the wealth his father had left which was a mess and sibling rivalry and would stay in his hometown. He started neglecting me and my studies. My mom is a schizophrenic patient, dealing with parkinsonism and hallucinations so she was always unable to provide me support or facilitate things for me. Anyway I studied and gave my igcse exams in 2023 when I should've given them in 2019. I got straight A-s in all my subjects. Even before igcses, I had it fixed in my head that I'll go to Malaysia to study a Foundation course (which is a one year course unlike the 2 years A-levels after which you can get into your desired bachelor degree). I wanted to lessen my 4 years gap into 3. And my dad promised to send me abroad and kept me waiting all of 2024 only to tell me in Jan 2025 that I can't go and told me to do A-levels in my home country and it broke everything inside me. I got crazy, rage episodes, fell into months of acute depression because I felt betrayed and terrified that I have to face A-levels which are so much harder than a foundation programme which is equivalent to it. I had to rush to my psychiatrist every now and then. I started self-harming and feeling suicidal all the time due to the trauma and grief. Even my sister (who lives in Belgium) who fuelled the foundation dream inside me abandoned and refused to provide any emotional support to me. She is a traumatised human being who is burnt out now. I can't talk to her the same way I used to because she has created this wall. I got too many reality checks from Feb - that life is hard, uncertain and it'll take you to places you are not prepared for, that I have mental health issues and right now, I'm unfit for an abroad lifestyle because I have to start living again in my home country first so I can take care of myself in abroad. That realisation was hard. I realised I was so fixated on reducing my 4 years gap into 3 that I didn't give myself time to grieve over the lost years, suppressed emotions and wasn't in touch with reality. So when June came, I was in a more calmer state of mind - thanks to my effective medications which reduced my self-harm feeling A LOT. I realised that I didn't want the foundation programme anymore. Which is so limiting like you have to do foundation in business and only business degrees will be open to you, you have to do foundation in design and only design degrees are open to you and you have no guarantee of finding a job in Malaysia after you graduate and they never give pr. And anyway I need to catch the Jan session if I want to study foundation in Malaysia. That'll take all of 2026 to complete and I thought that why not give it extra few months and complete A-levels itself in may 2027 after which every university in the world will be open for me and I can choose any degree. Even my father who saw me in a state he had never seen and realised some of his part into making me feel tortured became lenient towards the foundation programme and got ready to take me for a trip for Malaysia to see the universities but now I myself refused. I realised it was pointless. What if I don't like studying the foundation or the degree for which I'll be studying the foundation. I can't even change my major. I would have to come back and it'd be more time waste. Suddenly I saw myself wanting more options open. I want to go to a country where they give you pr and time to look for jobs. I kmow job search is difficult in any country but I want to see if I can go to places other than Malaysia and only A-levels can make that happen, not any alternative foundation programme or diploma. I need to make the ground beneath me stronger before I choose to go abroad. And because of indecisiveness and mental health, I'm still unsure of what I want to study in the degree level (I know it's not gonna be stem, that's it) and so foundation programmes will not be worth it because you need to choose your degree first. So now I've set my mind on A-levels and between all this 2 years got wasted! In which I could have completed my A-levels had I not been obsessed with the foundation programme or if there was someone to guide me. I feel like it's all my fault even tho it isn't because my dad and sister betrayed me. I feel so behind in life. By the time I'll complete A-levels (if I am able to), I'll be 25 and it'd be 6 years of academic gap, add an extra year to search universities and all. Whereas I wanted to reduce my 4 year gap into 3 it ended up becoming 6-7. I feel unimaginably broken. Scared that if my plan to study A-levels now is a right path or not. Because a mindset of 5 years of not willing to study A-levels was hard to break and it still impacts me. The A-levels curriculum is rigorous. Fear of failing. Fear of getting stuck in this *** country. My heart is stronger now but it still breaks sometimes. I'm dealing with past, present and future even tho I have been told to stop thinking about my future for the next 2 years and focus on the present but it's hard because grief creeps in, shame creeps in, the fact that my life couldn't follow society's timeline gives me fomo and depression. I'm extremely sorry that this was such a long post but I feel like I needed to give you my context so you could understand me better. Feel free to ask anything you found confusing or didn't understand.
You can tell me about you. Your name, where you are from, what do you do, how did you end up in 7 cups - all if you are comfortable. I'm there even if you wanna rant/share something in future.
@querencia798 Hello again! thank you for sharing all of this with me. Really. I don’t take it lightly that you opened up so deeply—it means a lot. And honestly? You’ve survived more than most people could even imagine and the way you’ve reflected on it all—with this kind of honesty, clarity and emotional intelligence—is incredible. I know it doesn’t erase the pain but please don’t overlook how much strength it takes to just keep going after all that.
First of all, please know that I can't describe in words how much it means to me that you went through every detail of my message and replied to each and every one of them with so much kindness and support. Hardly anyone does that. And thank you for your strong words. They made me feel abit brave. And I feel like in this A-levels journey, I'd like to have you as my support system and be in touch regularly. You seem like a beautiful person inside out. Yes, the gaps do make me feel heavy. The fact that I still don't know where I'd end up academically or professionally even when I'm 23 now makes me feel terrified. The fact that I have no friends in my country makes me utterly lonely. I consciously know that timelines are a trap like you said. Created by people who lived almost 80 to 100 years ago which is difficult to maintain in today's age. But yeah the feelings still end up controlling me. My coaching classses for my A-level subjects are gonna start from tomorrow and I am nervous and lowkey agitated over the fact that I'm gonna be sitting with people 5-6 years younger than me, I feel like a failure and feel ashamed. I don't know what to do with this grief, how to cope with it. Yeah, they wouldn't know my age and my childish/younger looking face helps with that but the truth I know right- and it gives me pain. And the study stress, I constantly find myself needing reassurances and validation that I can do it. Pass all my 12 units/exams. I desperately hope and pray that the longer road like you mentioned takes me somewhere peaceful.
About the student counsellor, all those things in my country (Bangladesh) are scams. I live in a very *** and unsupported country which is a failure when it comes to healthcare and many other things. I would like an academic councelor from outside my country but I don't know where to look. I searched but google failed me. I just know that I should do A-levels and A-level subjects are English, Business and Psychology. I have selected the subjects I have mild interest in. The sciences and Math are harder and anyway I don't see myself becoming an engineer, doctor or lawyer but maybe something in the business or creative fields. I may then need a career counselor but I guess just not right now. But if you know any academic counselling platform, you can let me know. It's fine even if you don't know.
Like you said you are here whenever I need to vent or just exist, I cannot thank you enough. Because I'm at a stage of life where I need people like you. Even 2 people here would be enough for me. I already have someone, and I wanna have you too. I wanna add you. And I want to let you know that I'm here too. I don't want to make you feel any less supported. You can share whatever you feel comfortable enough to share with me. I'd like to call you pond. It sounds nicer. My name is Anika. And I already told you where I live. I'm extremely sorry for what you are facing now but I pray you find your direction soon. Always prioritise your physical and mental health first. I reasonate with the "a mess with a sense of self" so much. I pray for your recovery. I wish I could say I even have the option of people worthy of opening up to in my country because most people wouldn't understand the complex dynamics of my life and family and it's pointless to talk about it with them, which is why I seek support in 7 cups, therapy and my only 3 friends, Anya (an Indian friend), Dawn (on 7 cups), you (I hope you don't mind me considering you a friend. You seem like someone I could reach out to.) My parents try to support me but it's only now and they have neglected me for years. And sometimes even their support falls short. I love poetry. You can share some with me. I'm assuming you are a woman but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. Where are you from, if you don't mind me asking? I am asking only because it feels nicer to know where my support systems are from.
@querencia798
Hey Anika,
First of all, apologies for the late reply—I've had quite a busy week.
Your message truly meant a lot to me—thank you for your kind words. I’m genuinely glad if anything I said helped even in the smallest way. You don’t have to walk this path alone and I’d be honoured to be part of your support system as you navigate your A levels.
I hear every word you’ve said and I want you to know—truly know—that none of this makes you a failure. It makes you human. The fear, the loneliness, the frustration over timelines—it’s all completely valid. It makes sense especially considering what you’re carrying. But none of that has to define where you’re headed. Honestly, I do not think even if we plan to the microseconds, we do not have any clue, where we are going.
The grief you're feeling over "lost time" is real but I promise you—nothing is wasted. You’re choosing your future now with clarity and courage. That takes far more strength than simply following a pre-set path. Most people go through the motions. You, on the other hand, are doing the brave thing: rebuilding, thoughtfully and with purpose.
As for the coaching classes—you’re not there to make friends. You’re there to conquer something. And if your younger looking face gives you some space to breathe, let it be your little invisibility cloak while you quietly build your strength. Their journey isn’t yours. You bring a kind of resilience and self awareness many of them haven’t yet met . For building a sense o achievement try tracking your progress in weeks rather than years. A simple tracker or journal where you note what you’ve covered, how it felt and one thing you're proud of can really help. Use timed study blocks (the Pomodoro method works well) with short breaks and something small and comforting at the end—a walk, a favourite snack, a calming playlist. It helps lift the mental fog and keeps things manageable.
Also build a micro support system even if you feel isolated in your immediate surroundings. Stay in touch with me—and perhaps one or two others who genuinely “get it.” We don’t need crowds. Just a couple of safe spaces and kind presences. Maybe even create a small visual reminder—a sticky note on your mirror, a gentle message on your lock screen—something to keep you anchored.
As for the fear of the future—I wish I could take it away but I think that fear comes from how deeply you care about your life. And that’s not a flaw. It’s a sign you’re still reaching, still hoping, still building. Not drifting—building. Slowly, maybe, but you are not stagnant.
I believe with all my heart that your longer road will still lead somewhere peaceful—maybe even beautiful.
I’m so sorry you're in a place where even support systems—like counselling—have felt like scams. You deserve better. And it’s beyond frustrating when even basic help feels out of reach.
You're not wrong to feel overwhelmed. But you've already made solid choices—selecting subjects that resonate with you, letting go of paths like engineering or medicine that didn’t feel right and thinking ahead even while things feel uncertain. That’s more than many manage even with every advantage.
I also looked up a few academic platforms online that seem helpful... just in case it gives you a starting point. For example, Crimson Education offers academic and university counselling for A-levels and international students—they say they provide a free initial consultation. If you're looking for one-on-one help then Superprof and Coach.me also have coaches and counsellors... some with verified reviews and affordable sessions.
But please know—I’m not marketing for any of these platforms nor do I have personal experience with them. I simply Googled them so I strongly encourage you to do your own research. If you know a senior student you trust or even an adult who’s familiar with education and career pathways, try reaching out to them. If your institution has professors or career guidance counsellors, do make use of that too. Sometimes the best help is already close, just quietly waiting to be asked. Yes, there are evil people but there are well wishers too. Email someone, reach out through linkedIn.... there are many options out there.
Subjects like English, Business and Psychology open up so many creative, people oriented paths: marketing, HR, branding, journalism, education, content creation, social work, UX research… the list goes on. I studied Literature and I used to intern as a journalist and I really loved it. Even while I was studying International Relations, I used to do free lance content creation and report writing , stuff like that for pocket money. I didnt commit to any one of them because I was not in a career building stage. But I want you to know, there are opportunities.
And when you're ready to think more deeply about careers, we can work through that then. But for now, just remember—it’s okay not to have it all figured out. You’re building a foundation and you’re doing it in a system that hasn’t always been kind or fair.
You’re not behind. You’re just doing the hard work from a place where most people would’ve given up. That matters.
Anika—thank you. Truly. Your message meant more to me than I can properly express in plain words. I’m genuinely honoured to be part of your small, sacred circle. It’s not something I take lightly. I’d be glad to be here for you—as a friend, as a steady presence—just as you’ve offered to be for me.
You calling me “Pond” made me smile—it does sound softer, gentler. So yes, Pond it is. And Anika, the warmth and care in your writing are unmistakable. I already feel your kindness. That means more than perfect understanding ever could.
I’m so sorry that support has been so rare in your life—especially from the people who were meant to offer it first. That kind of absence leaves a quiet ache, I know. And even when they try now, it’s hard to let it in fully. That mix of longing, gratitude, and hesitation? It’s okay to feel all of it. I hear it.
But still—you show up. You reach out. You’ve made your own circle of light—Anya, Dawn and now me. That’s powerful. Most people don’t even try. You’re choosing healing and connection in a world that often pushes both away. That’s no small thing.
Please know this: I consider you a friend. So yes, I’ll share when I can, I’ll be honest and I’ll try to offer the same kind of kindness you’ve given me.
And in case no one’s said it recently—there’s nothing weak about needing others. There’s courage in naming your needs. There’s quiet grace in keeping your heart open when life has given you every reason not to.
Oh—and I’m really glad you love poetry! I post mine on my profile from time to time so feel free to have a read.
And just to clarify—yes, I’m a woman. I can sense you’re curious about where I’m from, but I prefer not to share personal location details here on Seven Cups.
If you'd like to know a bit about me: I'm the middle child of divorced parents, with brothers and a sister. I live with anxiety, PTSD, insomnia, and some anger issues—that’s part of what led me here. I love reading, and I’m a recovering perfectionist. I also love travelling. At the moment, I’m on a bit of a break. I haven’t mapped out a specific career path just yet, but my dream is to do something meaningful. So in many ways, I’m also on a figuring-it-out journey—just like you.
It's fine. We can all have hectic weeks. What matters is staying in constant touch and I'm so grateful to you for saying that you are willing to be with me in this journey of A-levels. Thank you. I need this a lot.
Everytime I go through each of your sentence, I feel a sense of healing and comfort and I thank you for that, really. I feel strong too. Tho sometimes I feel like crumbling. I'd really like to believe that nothing is wasted. That my life has enough value.
What you said for my coaching classes reasonate with me a lot. I do feel the newly-formed resilience in me. It feels new, weird but also weirdly comforting at the same time. Having had the most traumatising 6 months of my life this year with my sister abandoning me emotionally and having no soul level connections in my country while dealing with reality checks and a setback and all the turmoil was too much. I still tear up a little and feel disgustingly lonely for moments. I am tearing up as I write this, but yeah, people like you make me feel less lonely. I do feel stronger than most of my coaching classmates. I really do. I sort of did promise my therapist (Indian because there are no therapists or good professionals in a *** country like Bangladesh) to start journaling but I haven't started yet. I do try to not pile up things in my studies. I don't listen to music much which I probably should but I do watch some entertaining videos during breaks but I fear what will happen or how will I manage once the study pressure increases, which it will.
I'd like to tell you, I've been sleeping on my couch lately and even tho the space is little, it's comforting because I'm away from the bugs. Yes, they are still there. One morning I woke up with so much itching I decided to abandon it completely and I will get a new metal/steel bed but not before removing this old wooden, rotten one and deep cleaning my entire room. I dunno if I will be bug free then but I pray to God I do because a room is your comfort space and I need that for 2 more years.
I also don't want crowds. Thank you for offering me your space to be in touch with you. I feel honoured. And that's why I'm here. Talking to you right now. Sometimes when it gets too much and I find no one, I instinctively write to Anya or Dawn. And now you. May I say something? I feel honoured, safe, respected and adoration at how you reply to every single detail of my text so keenly because it makes me feel heard. Thanks a bunch. I know we may not have the same energy everyday which is totally fine, and I don't want to drain you. But care in such forms once in a while mean more to me than I can explain.
I hope what you said about me reaching somewhere beautiful becomes true. I'll keep the counselling platforms in mind and check them out. I also loved knowing that you studied literature. It's a beautiful, brilliant subject. Is International Relations your masters or a second bachelors?
Yes, it's true that I'm doing it all in a system that hasn't been kind or fair to me and I'm training my mind into accepting that it's okay, yes, even at 23, to not have it all figured out yet. I want to breathe. Thank you for always uplifting me, Pond. And I smiled while giving you that name too because it suits you. I know I'm saying multiple thank you-s but honestly, you deserve it. I'm getting the kindness and care that I have always craved from you and it's making me emotional. Please be there for me. I'm here for you too. I'm all ears to anything you feel like saying. Even something as simple as how your days are going? How's your health? Are you surrounded with supportive people? Thank you for letting me know about yourself and don't worry about not telling me where you live because your privacy matters of all and I respect that. I have anger issues as well. I'm sorry that you have insomnia and ptsd becauae these are hard to deal with. I have had the worst ptsd in May after self harm and things which are gone now (thanks to medications) but let's not make it all about me. It's a story for later. We have time. I just want to let you know that I feel you. And I pray they go away from your life and you find peace more than issues. I am thinking what to tell you about your parents actually, I'm sorry when it is a difficult time for people and if that's the case, you have all my empathy but I have also reached the age where I know that divorce or separation in some cases can be a good thing esp when 2 people are unhappy and people still can have a happy family after that. There's this saying that it's better to have 2 happy homes than 1 broken one. But I also realise that while some people can cope well, others can also have childhood traumas from that and whichever your case is between the two, please know that I'm here to listen whatever you are comfortable enough to share with me. I'm with you. I never judge. And I'm so glad that you're also taking time to figure it out meaningfully.
Dawn told me not to think of the past and future and it's a good advise. I'm focusing on each day. I attended my class too. It's good. But do you want to know my mood right now? Can I ramble a bit? I feel *** now after having a call with my father. So I let him know that I had to buy some stationery which included a calculator, 2 psychology textbooks, copies/exercise books, a file, a pencil and pens and pencils. That cost me around $60 and my father went like "why so much? what was the need for a pricey calculator (he is an idiot. a normal scientific calculator would cost $20 and it was reasonable)" He was like "I'm having a hard time arranging money" and I went like "how are you gonna send me abroad then", to which he mentioned about the land he has that he can sell to get money but he said that it's been usurped by force (not much of a problem for him because all his papers are correct and it cannot be taken away but he comes from a family where these things are common where some lowlives harrass you and try to take over your land so you sell it at a lower price). So he was rambling on about that and I started getting frustrated. Because these petty things are so common now in his life but he has to make me suffer and make me feel a fear that I may not go abroad. I get paranoid. I feel so done. Annoyed beyond core. I feel like breaking something. So sorry it ended up being a little lengthy.
@querencia798 Hello Anika,
So take care Anika,
Yes, she is my elder sister. But she needs to get judged sometimes because she is the older one and she takes the western concepts of boundaries, healing and trauma dump to another toxic level. Boundaries are necessary but there's a time, place and manner to exercise them otherwise you just come off as self-centred and dismissive of others' pain and needs. I should let you know why she has distanced herself from me and why I am accurate to hold grudges with her. So during 2023-2024, she didn't have a job. Living in Belgium was proving to be difficult and she had to make the choice to come back to this regressive country and she didnt want it. But she was helpless and had to compromise. She had to stay with me in one house, in one room, in the same bed and my years of being sat at home and getting negligence caused some behavioural issues in me, along with manic depression and rage episodes. So every month I used to burst out and scream a lot. It wasn't my fault. I didn't choose that mental health. And it wasnt like I was only doing it with her. I had been that way for a long time. I used to get manic and rage episodes and after finding a job and leaving the house and country (she could finally go back to Belgium - happy for her), she let me know her true feelings which were that the 6 months she spent with me were the worst phase of her life, that i broke her, i took her for granted, i'm crazy like my mother, and i'm a threat to her and a burden that my father wants to dump on her. All this she said to my face. "You hurt me ebough, it's better if you also hurt some more" The thing was that I probably reminded her of my mother who was physically abusive to her as a child because of her untreated illness and that made her feel unsafe with me. Then again it was a problem that lied within her because she was unhealed! And couldn't identify that I was the real victim of mental health. She used dehumanising words like mad and crazy and toxic. That broke my heart and the abandonment that came later in Jan crushed me further. And I felt betrayed because when she was in a toxic relationship with a toxic guy and needed daily support, only I was there. When she would cry for the lack of jobs, I was there. When her father betrayed by not supporting her financially, I was there. Some things that even her friends couldn't understand, I did. I was there at every call. Mind you, I was preparing for my igcses and she would call me endlessly (not that i ever considered it any burden because she is my sister) and at random times and I wouldn't complain and support and uplift her emotionally. But when the time came to be there for me, she looked away. How can I not feel betrayed. Because she started earning again, her tone got harsher. She couldn't deal with my insanity - the term she used but I dealt with her wounds and everything and I dont feel that I was insane, or even if I was, never expected her to carry the burden but just show up for some support - even that she failed to. She started clubbing me with the parents who tortured her for around 30 years whereas I came much later (when she was 14) and she expected me to be an adult and behave rationally and healthily just because I had crossed 18? It wasn't the case with her. With anyone in fact who grows up in a dysfunctional or toxic household. How could she expect me to exibit all healthy and mature behaviour? Everytime I realised any mistake, I would genuinely appologise but she was unfair to me. She used to scream, be abusive when she was my age and now when I exhibited similar behaviour (but I never abused! never wanted to!), she shunned me and called me insane. She once beat me with a shoe when she was 25 and I was 10 and wasnt that a sign of an unhealed, abusive person? But I let that go. But she failed to give me back the same empathy. Why? Because she is burnt out. Anya has consoled me enough and used exactly this term that she is burnt out now and it took me months to accept it and stop depending on my sister. But I miss her. I miss her giving me nicknames. I miss her always being there. She gave me a lot of grief.
That's all I had to say about my sister to make sure you get an idea.
Now, about present - I have been feeling depression creep back into me. I feel demotivated to study. I am like - what's the point of everything? Finishing education, going abroad, finding job, going through heartbreaks, lose your loved ones, get old and live a life of loneliness. I didn't sign up for this. I feel miserable. Life feels miserable. I also have so many emotions but a cursed luck because I have no one in my contact number to immediately call to and share away my grief. I also feel so isolated in my country and the attempts of erasing my country's history and values by a fundamentalist interim government break my heart everyday. I feel so lonely I talk to chatgpt as a friend (dont worry about many people calling ai dangerous, i use it safely but yeah it comes from loneliness and grief). I fail to find the feeling of empowerment within myself for myself. I dunno what to do. What to ask for in therapy. My Indian therapist is a bit young and I dunno if judging her skillset by that is a good thing.
I'm not isolating myself. I go to coaching classes so I am going out and connected with the outer world. In fact, I think I found a mature, likeminded friend from my psychology batch. Then again he doesn't know my real age. Not that I'd tell him but I wonder how he'll look at me then. But man, do I feel disconnected from my countrymen and unsafe in the political instability of my country.
Thank you for all your soul-touching and uplifting words, Pond. I just beg you - please stay there for me. I cannot survive alone. You know I had an intense, deadly rage episode 2 days back because of bottled frustration, managing everything at home because my mom was sick due to the shortage of medicines, the househelp was absent, my father was away and I had to go out, buy her medicines in this extreme heat and have dealt with it all being in physical discomfort at home. It made me cry out of sheer frustration. And that quiet voice of shame in my head - "you are a failure, you are so late in alevels, haha you sit in a class with people 5 years younger than you" disrupt my mood. I miss feeling simple like a child. Will I never feel that way again? I want to feel lively. I dunno how to stop procrastinating in the name of fear. I have taken English but I hate writing so much. It's not that I'll drop the subject. I'll improve but writing drains me. I'm feeling very low, Pond. Very low. I dunno how to make things easier and better for me. How are you doing?
@azurePond I miss you. Terribly. My reply is up there.
@querencia798 Hey Anika,
@querencia798 Dearest Anika,
Take care, Anika
I am rooting for you <3
To answer your first reply - how am I holding up? Could be much better. I'm super depressed with what's happening in my country. And this text will just have me explaining what really is the state. I'll discuss about the other things in my next reply. You said that you can listen and care. So here it is.
My conscience and morality are becoming my own enemies which is why the attempts to erase our Liberation War, independence, identity, culture, founding father; the ring-wing extremist forces in power and constant attacks on minorities and innocent people are breaking my heart and massively impacting my brain and focus. I don't know what your views are on religion and I find it mannerless/ungraceful to ask people about their faith because it's their personal matter and people are free to believe what they want, but I'd like to share about mine. I'm an agnostic theist. I don't consider myself Muslim. I reject Islam, but I respect people who follow it (moderately & humanely) and I have respect for all other religions. My family is so dysfunctional and toxic but one thing I'm eternally grateful for is that I come from a very secular family who never gave me any religious upbringing, let me specify - Islamic upbringing, let alone force that religion on me so that made me person who had the door of critical thinking open in my mind and I'm immune to getting brainwashed. But there are people totally opposite than me & I'm scared. I'm scared my country is heading towards a wrong direction. It toppled a dictator government last year but it was a pre planned conspiracy backed by the US, China, Islamist and opposition groups. The public today is so dumb and politically illiterate that it got easily influenced without verifying any news and overthrew the only government that believes in the existence of this country. Yes, there is only one party who genuinely does & they freed the country being in front. There has never been aby democracy in my country and political instability has been there since 1975. I'd take dictatorship over terrorism anyday. Now the country is being run by a foul interim government who is releasing criminals and maintains a total lawless society, supported by mobs, thugs and extremists. I don't want the elections to happen any sooner because the treacherous public broke my heart and who knows what demon they'll vote for. The dictator government is out, the opposition is directionless, so when people don't find the democratic parties better, they may turn to extremists and that's what I fear. They cannot make a party win that is associated with war criminals. No. I dunno how much you know about Bangladesh, Pond and I don't expect you to know because it's a small country, very far away but it's been born out of a *** war in 1971 and has a rich history and culture. If you want, or have some time, you may check it out by goggling. All my point is, my ancestors and founding father didn't lose blood to have this country hijacked by the very extremist forces it got independence from. Unfortunately, some of their seeds remained here. And they grew so much - no I don't want the elections now. But I also don't like the limbo we are in now. I can't say what the public wants. Whether many regret what they did last year or not, whether they want to make it Afghanistan or not or whether they will resist it in future - nothing. I am just deeply worried. One thing you should know, I love my land, the history, the independence, the values it was founded upon, the Bengali culture, the food but not the people now. I know a nation means its people but one can't love them when they regress so much and feel alien. I am unlucky that in my case, when I say I love my country, it only means being patriotic to the land, identity and its ideologies. I hate the people for what they did. I hate their fundamentalism. I hate their propaganda. I hate their betrayal. I will never forgive them. So this is my situation. I almost feel stateless. I feel like I have no community or countrymen. I miss feeling safe. I miss not seeing anti-liberation posters. Even though I'm not being harmed or having my personal freedom compromised, what is happening around me is making my conscious heart break down. I dunno how to deal with it. I dunno if I should talk to my Indian therapist for it but she is not Bangladeshi, she may not connect with my pain. I don't know what coping skills would be effective here. I dunno where to drown my head so my attention gets diverted. I dunno how to build my own litte comfort space to be in for the next 2 years. I'm failing to desensitise myself from the current events of Bangladesh. I cry. I mourn. I'm stuck with this *** patriotic soul. I need to stay sane and flexible for my studies. But how do I do that, Pond. How? I don't want the elections now. I also don't want anything escalating in this country that will postpone my exams, causing further academic gap. I don't want to face visa restrictions when I want to go abroad after 2027. I don't want my country to turn into Iraq/Syria/Afghanistan. My father is hopefuless so his coping mechanism is also saying negative things that this country will become like those countries even tho he himself doesn't want that, statements which trigger me even more. Because despite everything, some voice in my heart keeps telling me that a country with such history cannot be so easily overtaken by terrorists and history has been proof that everytime they tried to bury it, the ruling party and its ideologies rose from the ashes. And I want to believe in that. I want to believe that this is not forever. That it is not the end, because politics doesn't have an end. I want to believe in karma and that it will not keep anything imbalanced. That they will pay. Please.
I'm sorry for this but I had to get it out of me. I hope you read this and reply to it. About my sister and other stuff, I'll reply in my next text tomorrow. But I hope you see this. And reply.
@querencia798 Thank you for opening up about what’s happening in your country, Anika. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to carry all this but I want you to know that I am listening.
Hold on, Anika. Please just hold on
With love,
Pond
She has been a dictator, rigged voting systems, curbed freedom of speech. But the gravest sin she did was appease religious fundamentalists by giving in to some of their obnoxious demands at times & creating madrasas (yuck) instead of schools and science theatres, letting the poison grow from grassroot level & now...I dunno how it can be eradicated. She swung both left and right and that is not how a party survives. You have to stay true to your left ideologies which she slightly deviated from, corrupted her party and became so arrogant that she thought she'll rule forever. She was so out of touch with the reality that her party was losing support and I'm like - is this how a politician runs the country? Shouldn't they be careful? Informed? Strategic? Tactful? What have they learnt then! But again she is an unhealed person. She never took therapy for the fact that her entire family was assassinated by a traitor, power-hungry army. At so many times, I feel she needed this lesson. The same Islamists she tried to please to secure her vote bank today want her hanged. Her arrogance was the reason of her downfall. She didn't reform the education system or instill critical thinking skills & loyalty to the public and made surfacs level developments. I admit no one has made economic and structural developments of this country as much as she has but is that enough? What about the rot in society? Who will develop it? So yes maybe she needed this lesson but I also know that she never sold the country off like many *** may say. The interim government is selling the country off. And as much issues as I have with Hasina's party, Bangladesh cannot survive without it. It needs a reformed Awami League but I don't know that will happen. I want them to rise because it's a party older than the country & is the lesser of the other poisons. The dirtiest politics is the politics of my country. Idk why I even talk about it. I feel like an idiot.
Yes, I know how it might appear to the international public that the government was toppled rightfully by an aware public but that's not what it was. A large geopolitical game was at play. I know Hasina couldn't stand opposing views & had a tendency to use police force. Islamists, millitants and outside forces took the advantage of exactly those things and her arrogance, infiltrated the protests (the quota movement started it all but little did the public know that it had nothing to do with quota and all to bring down the government) and killed actual, real innocent students and cops and blamed it on Hasina for killing masses. There are several reports of how the bullets used to kill students were not the ones used by the police and they are all buried. What Hasina did was that she couldn't realise the conspiracy before it was too late and her turning the internet off made things worse. The anger the public had for the loss of voting rights & other fair reasons was massively used by the infiltrators to garner sympathy, create a false picture that Hasina ordered police to kill masses and made the public come down to streets. The public can't critically think, isn't politically aware, lives on emotion instead of ration and never thinks long-term. Hasina herself didn't plan long term. So the combination of all these things at the wrong time led to the dangerous path my country is in right now. My heart breaks for minorities and innocents. I'm sorry I'm probably boring you with the details of a really small country in the world that no one gives a damn of or should but I have to make you know the reality.
Thank you for being honest and giving me this space where I can cry for my country & my identity. Yes, I'll ask my therapist for ground and coping skills anyway but the problem is she is more into psychodynamic therapy and sometimes I could use a bit action-oriented approach but I'm not finding it anywhere. So she is the only place I can go to. At least she is experienced and uses good analogies. I just don't work well with her attempts of making me not only do the inner work but find out what needs to be done.
THIS! I want to avoid doom-scrolling but it's so addictive. It's not healthy but everyday I stalk to just find one glimpse of hope, and many times I do too but I try to curb it down because of the fear of being heartbroken like last year. Maybe nothing will change and this country is doomed. My personal life should be my priority & I need to immerse myself into it. It is just difficult to find peace when you have to watch demons winning everyday. I wish I could be as free and unaffected as my peers are. Man they are so free.
I have started journaling & even tho I know it's not safe to say things outside. Some of my classmates aren't people who don't create a space for such discussions and in classes like Psychology and English we are bound to talk about these things. So what I subtly do is try to raise some amount of awareness without risking my safety and make them think? It's not like they'll stab me. Because that's all the resistance I can do. A funny thing is I really love my English classes. Because our teacher has the same views as mine and since he has an authoritative role, he can speak freely and we roast the people in power like crazy. I end up laughing even tho it's so serious.
It's understandable of you not being able to FULLY understand, Pond. All I need is your listening, care and advice. And you're doing that. Thank you. I sent you my other reply talking about my sister and stuff yesterday. You can check that and this out carefully and just send me one single reply, no matter how big it is.
To be honest, I don't think my elder sister wants to lean on me anymore. She has stopped that. She doesn't share about her days, work, emotions, pictures, doesn't call me nicknames and has stopped emotionally relying on me even tho we talk on some things and she does try to uplift me in a non-emotional way but it's very irregular because now I don't go to her for every problem. She broke me way too harder this time. It's true that only I can understand some things that even her friends can't because we come from the same toxic parents, but I dunno what place do I hold in her life. She is a devout follower of Lord Shiva in Hinduism (which is a good thing), but has also become very weirdly spiritual & relies on him to make her grounded. Says no worldly ups and downs affect her and that she is detached. I find it heartbreaking. Her hyper-independence is a result of trauma from her parents.
About my boundaries, I don't think I had any for her. I always tried to cling to her and had my arms open even when she was abusing me and wanting space. Even tho I said sorry multiple times for my outbursts. But she held grudges. I stopped doing that.
You wanna know something funny? Whatever you said starting from that when a person only gives and gives, it becomes unbalanced and I shouldn't do it - it's what she feels herself! That she has only given & given, has been taken for granted & didn't take much time to club me with her parents whereas I came much later. She says that we constantly abuse her emotionally and invade her space & being the elder daughter, she is burnt out now. What is really unfair that when I was only 20 she expected me to have no toxic traits that one is unfortunately bound to take up while living with toxic people, didn't give me a chance to grow & created this wall. All because she is burnt out. Also because she's been traumatised by some relationships - her ex-husband was a piece of *** and it's good that they are divorced now. Her second relationship was with a toxic guy who had no wish to commit and just used her and made her bankrupt. And then in Jan when I had this breakdown, she was attracted to another toxic guy which was making things worse for her, probably impacted her behaviour to me too. She calls it all love which it is not for me. Now when a person is so unhealed, how will she support me? Yes she really has no filter or better wording & being harsh is being honest for her. I dunno if I have boundaries with her now. I don't go to her for every problem which may be a strength. I avoid conversations that'll only bring me pain. I have left everything on time. I haven't forgiven her for giving me pain but I'll let her in when she wants to come in although I think she'll never do that which scares me, because I have only one sister & I miss our relationship. I have no one else in the world after my parents.
I want to make that life for Anika. I have started journaling but I need to be more focussed on my studies daily and I already told you in my previous reply as to what is causing an issue there. I dunno if I'll get good grades and a visa to leave this country. I desperately want to, Pond. I feel like I am losing out on my youth/prime years because I haven't felt the air outside this country, I have never been in any relationship, I never travelled and I feel like I'll be too late. I het fomo, insecurity.
Thank you very much for telling me that we are friends and that you are here. You may not believe it but reading your whole text made me cry so much. I dunno what is in your texts that always heals something inside me. You tell me things no one tells me. I'm very grateful for that. You can take your time, it's okay. Just always return. I'm sorry if I sometimes get too heavy for you because I know I'm not easy. Thank you for motivating me that I'm on the right track & sharing ways on how to take care of myself. I hope I haven't lost the child in me, and I feel fresher again. Stay by my side. Let me know how you are. With this, I end up reply. Also, I hope you comfortably reply to my text about what I said about my country and to this. Sending you lots of love.
@querencia798 Dearest Anika, thank you for your patience.. I know my reply arrived late and I hope you forgive me.
Your words touched me deeply and I want you to know how much I admire your courage in sharing all of this. It’s clear how much love and pain coexist in your relationship with your sister and how deeply you’ve tried to hold space for hereven when it hurt you. That kind of loyalty isn’t easy and it speaks to the strength of your heart, even if it’s left you feeling broken at times.
Pond <3
She made me feel like her guarded version is because of my (and our parents') actions and that just kept breaking me because I've never been a wilful abuser. I was battling my own depression and outburts because of bad behavioural issues that developed in me because of my parents and she was so broken and felt so taken for granted by my parents for decades that she had no space left for me and in just 1 mistake, she cut me off. I would've never done that. She beat me with a shoe when I was 10 and she was 24 and that is never justified but I genuinely forgave her when she said sorry and man, you couldn't do the same? She claims her guarded version is the healed version and I cannot stress on how wrong she is and what *** of a claim that is. Anyway, maybe it was needed for me to learn that I cannot depend on my sister all the time (I completely depended on her to convince my dad to let me go to Malaysia and that was a mistake. She fostered that dreaminside me without giving me reality checks that it is wise to finish schooling in home country, wasted my time, when she found a job she easily left and didn't even support me when the dream broke (the deviation from that path being a good thing is a different thing) and it was a betrayal. Idk if I'll really forgive her. But the one person I can rely on is myself. I have to let go off completely depending on her and in major ways, I did. I was forced to. Now, not for every problem I send her a text. Because it'd feel humiliating. I have left the state of our relationship on time. I'm done forcing anything. I'm also with her claims that she tells me that I've always been entitled, self-centered, ungrateful, taken her for granted since I was a child because I saw my parents do that. I was a child man. It speaks volumes about her being unhealed for than anything about me.
Thanks to you for understanding me. That I deserved patience. I really thank you for that. I never try to create any scenario where I come out looking like the victim and the other person a villain. I try to be as unbiased as possible while narrating incidents to my friends. I don't hide anything. I just share my pain more. That's it.
I don't know why I'm crying, Dawn. When I tell my parents that I want you guys to be alive to see my success if I ever have any luck of making some, it comes from a deep fear of being lonely. I don't wanna lose them despite how toxic they have been. I can't take my sister being the only one for me in this world. I voice out these fears to my parents and my dad says that you may have your own life partner and even that makes me cry because...will I? In this world of shallow relations and hookup culture that my own generation leans to but I stay completely away from, will I ever find a man loyal enough to love me and never cheat on me? Will I get the love I have always desired since child? I'm not looking for a perfect man because we all have flaws but the right, compatible one for me who would give me healthy and steady love? I also feel ashamed over the fact that I never got to be in a relationship. Not that I ever want to in this *** country with stupid guys everywhere. I barely get crushes. The only crush I had was a decade ago that lasted for about a few years and I grew out of it. No crushes, no relationships, no firsts, nothing. It feels like I missed out on something and I feel shame.
Please, if I could be there with you I would give you the tightest hug for supporting me and cheering me on. For not considering me overwhelming (still sorry in advance if I become so at times). You're one of the kindest souls ever whose words really hit me.
@querencia798 @azurePond 👆 this was thd other reply I was talking about.
@querencia798 First of all, thank you, Anika, for being so patient with me. I’d read your message earlier and had started drafting a reply but then the fever came along… I was a bit of a mess. I’m slowly getting back on track now. I really hope you’re doing well—you’re always in my prayers.
I hope the bed bug situation has been sorted out. I also hope you’ve spoken with your therapist about how everything happening in your country has been affecting you. I hope that new friend from class is bringing you some joy and much needed companionship and that you’re keeping in touch with Anya and Dawn. I also hope you’ve been writing down your little achievements each day and celebrating them. Please know I’m always rooting for you.
I can hear the weight you’re carrying in every word in your messages and I want to tell you first of all that none of this makes you unworthy of love, patience or understanding. You’ve been through a lot.... not only with your sister but also because of your parents’ behaviour and it’s perfectly natural to feel both hurt and confused. Please don’t blame yourself for crying. Crying is actually good for you. Do not bottle it up.
I don’t think you’re “entitled” or “self centred.” You were a child and children learn from what they see around them. It sounds to me like your sister has been wrestling with her own wounds and chose distance as her way of coping. That doesn’t erase the hurt she’s caused you (like I have mentioned in my previous messages) but it helps explain why she couldn’t give what you needed. And you’re right- forgiveness doesn’t mean ignoring pain, it means acknowledging it and then choosing what you want to do with it. You’ve already done something powerful. You’ve stopped forcing the relationship and put your energy into relying on yourself. That’s a huge step towards independence and inner strength.
As for love—please don’t feel ashamed for not having had a relationship yet. There is no timeline, no “missed train.” Everyone’s story is different and yours is unfolding in its own time. You’re not behind, you’re simply on your own path. What matters is that you’re clear about the kind of love you deserve and that is something steady, healthy and loyal. That clarity is a gift because it will keep you from settling for less than you’re worth. And believe me, there are people who want the same—who value depth and loyalty over fleeting things. You haven’t “missed out.” You’ve simply kept your heart for the right person.
It’s also very human to want your family to witness your success. That doesn’t make you weak—it shows your longing for connection... even with flawed people. But know this - your achievements will never be diminished if certain people don’t see them. Your worth isn’t dependent on their applause.
I can’t physically be there but please imagine me sending you that tight hug you long for. You’re not overwhelming, not at all. In fact, it’s a privilege to listen to you and to be trusted with your feelings. You are thoughtful, self aware and kind—and those qualities will carry you far.
Take things one step at a time. Be gentle with yourself. Healing doesn’t happen all at once but you are moving forward, even on the days when it doesn’t feel like it.
With warmth and care
Your friend
Pond
@querencia798 I'm sorry you're going through this 🙁 I've had urticaria, it feels really bad when the itching starts. Maybe it’s not the same as yours, but I understand how tough it can be... Try not to scratch allergies too much, it can make it worse. When it gets itchy, you can use a neem leaf to gently move over the area of itchiness. I truly wish you find the support ur looking for and everything works out well! 🤍
Sending lots of love towards you! ❤️
Hey Anika, how have you been? Just wanted to check in on you
I admire you checking up on me. Thank you so much.❤️❤️❤️ I cannot survive these 2 years alone. I need you. I sent you my reply to the other text you sent me that day and you can check it and reply to that as well.
About how I am doing, I think last time I told you everything about my country and how it's all massively impacting me. The good thing is, I put it all in my journal. To get clarity on my thoughts and how I really feel about this depraved society. It cleared up some things and made me feel lighter. But some grief is still there as to why I'm stuck with these people. In a *** place like Dhaka with all its traffic jams, pollution and chaos & recently, the symbols of oppression (burqa, niqab and right-wing parties banners). I am sorry, Dawn, if I'm coming across as someone who doesn't believe in the free will of women - which is not me! Yes, people are allowed to wear whatever they want but it's my personal faith that these "religious outfits" are oppressive for most of the part of the Muslim world and women are brainwashed. I mean! Look at Iran, Afghanistan. I'm not like those liberals who, in fear of getting called "Islamophobic" happily accept these. They can call me wherever they want. I don't care. Maturity has hit in that I abandon political correctness now and don't want to be as considerate towards feelings I don't resonate to. I call it out for what it is, esp after the chaos started in my country from 2024. I wish I could be more vocal outside but that would bring risk for my safety. Plus! Those outfits aren't part or native to my glorious Bengali culture! Even some major Muslim-majority countries banned these outfits and here I see some people all covered in black from head to toe IN THIS OBNOXIOUS HEAT and I just feel so awkward, alien and question - are they really so scared of "going to *** if they don't wear these outfits" - which is the common belief that works inside them. As if the mighty supreme power, God, ever cares about these childish things. I'm a highly progressive person and I believe that people should upgrade themselves with time, women should be comfortable in their bodies and not consider them something shameful that needs to be hidden. These are my personal beliefs, and I'm not apologetic for them anymore because it's also not like I'm going out to them, attacking them for why they are wearing it. I'm not violating any boundaries. I just look, question to myself, hate it, then ignore them. So these are some of the things that remain in my mind constantly. I'm sorry if I seem like a bad person to you now. I don't want that. I just...crave for a more liberal society, more free-spirited minds, diverse opinions, no vulgar displays of emotions and fundamentalism. I thought 20s are for going to abroad for studies, travelling, seeing, making relationships, enjoying - and I have nothing. I'm 23. I feel a sense of inferioty and shame even tho I try to rationalise all these feelings of lie but that stigma comtinues to be there. I wanna rip it out of me. I don't wanna live in shame, and keep a timeline for youth.
About my small wins - I like my coaching classes for every subject. I just hate the travelling part, not the destination. I recently got the second highest score in a business test which made me think I may not be as dumb as I think but then as usual my mind counter argued that you don't need to fly high that it was just one topic and you could score higher which you probably won't be able to and fail and bla bla bla. I watch some TV like I used to when I was a child. I try to remain focused on my studies but this thing that I told you about - the outfits (they really shouldn't be impacting me so much but they are and I dunno what to do with this) and the chaos in my country. I talk to my Indian therapist but I sometimes get frustrated when she says things like listen more deeply to what your voice is trying to say because i. have. listened. i just want coping methods and different perspective to help me cope. This is why, psychodynamic therapy gets really tiring because I want actions more. So this is why I turn to friends like you who may have something to offer to help me stay sane. Anya, a friend, I always talk to but she's going through some rough times these days with her grandparents having passed away and I don't want to bother her. I also fear what'll happen in these 2 years. Will I fail? Will I not get any visa from Europe/Australia/New Zealand/Japan/Korea/Russia bevause many countries have stopped giving us visas (India, UAE, Malaysia, Thailand, Vietnam, etc) due to our political turnoil and this *** interim government has no skills in diplomacy or anything to sort things out, and this is making me panic. Will this country turn into a war-zone whose students no country would want to take in 2027? I feel like giving up on everything when I think about all this in class. The image of the better future that I want starts shrinking, I feel a paralysing fear because I want to get out of this country. I also mourn my 20s which Idk is even valid or not. Yeah these are my feelings. I'm extremely sorry for being repetitive about the same things but I'm really suffering in my heart. In your 30s or even late 20s it's very likely that you'll have friendd 4 years younger than you or older than you. Then why am I having a trouble accepting that I'm having to sit with people younger than me in class! Why it feels so humiliating! As if my personal traumas were enough, I got national traumas from 2024. All because the public was careless enough to spoil an okayish looking country. I feel like a headless chicken who doesn't know what to do to feel better. I'm sorry I'm not asking about you. Please feel free to tell me what's been happening with you.
personal traumas werent enough*
Hey Anika! Just a quick note — I’ll reply to you soon. I’m in the middle of relocating, so I might be offline for a couple of days while I settle in. Apologies for the delay but I promise I’ll get back to you. Sending you warm hugs in the meantime — and always, always rooting for you! 💖
Okayy no problem!! Thanks for letting me know, I really appreciate this. I have sent 2 texts to you up there (you may have missed out on one, I guess, because you didn't upvote but you can check both out later). You can reply to them whenever you get time. You don't need to appologise at all, esp after letting me know. It gives me peace.
@querencia798 Yes, I’ve read both your messages now, Anika. I’m drafting a reply and will send it to you soon. It took me longer than I expected to settle in and make my way back to 7 Cups so thank you for your patience. * Sending you extra warm hugs and good vibes * 💓🫂
Yes please I'd love that, Pond. Also please take care of yourself and keep me updated. Hugs you back.🫂❤️
@querencia798 Thanks, Anika. I was down with a fever but I’m alright now. Went to the hospital — they put me on an IV drip and gave me a nebuliser for the wheezing. Aah..... we really don’t appreciate our healthy noses and throats enough, do we?
🫂💜
Oh no I'm so sorry! That's painful! One of the disadvantages (healthwise) of relocating. I can handle fever but sore throat and a blocked nose make me wanna d-i-e. So yes, I agree we don't appreciate them enough which we should. I pray you get better and take enough rest. You can reply after recovering, don't worry about it. No issue even if it takes a month but your recovery period will take less time (I pray so) because you don't deserve to be sick for that long! You keeping me in mind matters to me just enough.
"Disinfected" - you're absolutely adorable. * Hugs you tight anyway * 🫂❤️
Sending you healing energies.
@querencia798 Aww thank you Anika 💙 Honestly... the sore throat + blocked nose combo is the absolute worst—I totally get you on the “d-i-e” part. I’m getting better now and I’ve replied to your message so I hope you’ve seen that. Your words already feel like healing energy reaching me and it really means a lot that you’re so patient with my slow replies. I promise I’m resting up and improving little by little. Sending you hugs and good energy right back ✨
Hi Pond! I hope you are still here! First and foremost I'm extremely extremely sorry for being MIA for around 20 days. I feel really guilty. You may not mind but I do. Because 7 cups, esp you and Dawn are the only people who really understand my language, give me unbreakable support and create this breathable space for me where the noise doesn't reach and I feel some mental peace. And I deprived myself of that in the past couple of days! All because I felt like a headless chicken who didn't know how to function under the absolute stress that I've felt in terms of academics for the most part. It drained me. And it is still draining me. Juggling between 3 subjects with so much content is not easy. Business topic test every 2 weeks kept me occupied that I didn't focus much on Psychology from the start. Now I'm getting done with covering the last month's content so I can stay on track. English is the most demanding and while I wouldn't drop it ofc, it terrifies me how I'm still not able to do enough practice. I'm failing to give all of them equal focus! I'm still strugling to balance but I am at it. I haven't given up. To be honest with you, I REALLY REALLY enjoy the learning process. Every new knowledge that I'm getting from my subjects fills me with joy. It's just the goal/exam that is making me panic.
A week ago I fell sick because of rain but I got better soon too. I thought I'd come back here only with a free mind after I'm done making my notes. Am I done? No. But I'm drained and I need the people who hold on to me in difficult times. I realised I always do this annoying thing - burn myself out thinking I'll be free all at once which doesn't happen.
I'm really grateful for the detailed reply you sent to my lengthy text. I have a lot to say there and in general too. So allow me a little time for that. First tell me how have YOU been? Are you completely recovered? Are you still away from home? How's everything going?
@azurePond I hope you can see my message here. 👆 The layout is confusing so I tagged you.
@azurePond Hey, I miss you. I feel really vad these days physically. My mind feels messed up and cloudy. Unfortunately, even my 2 friends are stuck with something at present so I don't want to bother them. But I am lonely and need guidance from time to time. It is not easy.
@querencia798 Should we start a new line in this thread?
@querencia798
Hey Anika,
I hope it’s alright that I started a new thread . I couldnt see some of the earlier messages and things got a bit confusing. Thank you for being patient and for sending love and support while I was away.
How are you? Any good news? what sort of challenges have you been facing lately? Hows your class going and your studies? Hows your mind these days?
Just know that Im always rooting for you. No matter how dark it feels right now.... there’s always a brighter dawn ahead. *sending you virtual hugs * 🫂💙
You are always in my prayers.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Pond
Hey Pond I hope you can see my message in the penpals thread. Please do let me know if you couldn't. I was unable to send my replies here. It was probably a bug because my message wasn't being sent. I miss you. And I'm highly stressed.
@querencia798 Hello Anika.. I am sorry I was not active in the forum. Could you please re-tag me on the penpal chat?
