Please help w my relationship & lack of affection 14 months led me to finally snap verbally. Sad
Hello I'm new here because I need some advice. My GF of 2 years but we've known each other for 40yrs and I was at her wedding and she and ex husband and her daughter(flower girl) were at mine 30 years ago.(long story). We both love each other and live together but she hasn't shown any affection for the last 14 months. No passionate kisses or even holding hands and no sex. It was great before. We both know at our age we are right for each other forever and get along great with all common interests. I used to bring up the issue of no outwardly affection & sexual intimacy 1x a wk for 4 months & she would say we will talk about it but now is not the time.. Then last Fall I backed off & brought it up 1x every 2 wks w/ the same reply. Then this March decided 1x a month w/ still no discussion from her. I've been so frustrated & she knows it & it's not about no sex but just the passionate kisses or even holding hands. The little things mean the world to me. She knows how much we love each other but never wants to communicate. Finally last night at an outdoor concert she had her 4 GF's (who I get along with well until today)w/ us & she spent most of the time talking to them & basically ignored me & I then said "are you ever going to talk to me?" Well that set off a spark which I totally regret. I was so frustrated by all the lack of affection. I left today to give her friends who now hate me and her her space and she is still camping w friends. & seeing more music. We are talking Mon.day. Plz help.
@Greensky11
Do not be hard upon yourself ........ you have tried and she shut down any real conversation about the issue. when you do talk try to use the "i feel" sentences as not accusatory but do not let her push discussion off or evade answering.... i think intimacy in even holding hands and kissing and basic attention is not something ANY partner should be forced to beg for all the time without a clear explanation ........it is cruel on those who shut down and leave their partner to wonder why or jump through hoops to fix/ resolve.
When you are not being heard and the frustration builds many people snap when it is not an ideal time. Her friends have no reason to hate you unless she lies about being cold and distant with you. Most mature people KNOW relationship issues are never one sided.
i understand what you are going through as my spouse has medical issues that ended our sex life....
i could accept that......... except they do not want to hold hands or cuddle and even hugs feel awkward and forced. we bumped into each other in kitchen it is as if i am lava and they are afraid to get near me.... i never knew how much our previous relationship i would miss.....
it has ruined our relationship ...... the anger / frustration has built to a point of no return.
@toughTiger6481
Thank you so much for your advice and support. I also feel for you. We had a chat on Mon and then Tues. It's more complicated than what my post was about but we communicated finally. I will probably post a new question with the updated issue. Things are good but I still ask why did it take so many months to get feedback bcuz it truly hurt our relationship. Everyone communicates differently and I get it but shutting down with the person you love? Hard to comprehend.
I will most likely post something new tonight or tomorrow.
I am a woman in a sexless marriage and feel your pain to some extent.
If I had to do it all over again I would leave the marriage in the early stages of the lack of affection. This was an intermittent issue even at the beginning. Somehome we managed to have two kids a bit later on in life then I felt compelled to keep things together to raise them since things were otherwise okay. Then as child raising years habe come to an end, he is disabled and cannot live alone. Sigh.
I have spend alot of time reading on this topic over the years, on a forum I have been on for 20 years.
There are some common themes that I have noticed. I will simply list them and don't expect a response.
Someone is using the other for housing or finances but has checked it otherwise.
One partner has gained alot of weight and feels alot of body shame that overwhelms their sex drive.
One partner has gained weight and the other no longer finds them attractive as a partner.
A partner is neglecting hygiene, or has developed dental issues that entirely change how they smell at all times even after bathing and dental hygiene.
A partner has become an abuser of substances or alcohol.
A partner has begun using porn alot and the other partner feels cheated on or neglected or rejected.
Someone is using porn and has a reduced drive for partner.
Someone forns a new friend group whose attention and opinions outweigh the value they have for partner. Perhaps the new friends are devaluing the partner.
A partner simply devalues the other and will not reinvest in the relationship bit refuses to be the one to vreak it up.
Someone is cheating.
Regardless of the cause you habe a right to expect a healthy relationship. If the expectation was that it's a sexual relationship you are not wrong to expect that. Even if all else seems perfect its okay for the lack if sex to be a deal breaker.
Let's be honest, you can morally outsource all other aspects of a relationship. You can eat dinner with the pastor or the neighbors. You can fold laundry while chatting with people at the laundromat. You can hike, walk, or play musical instruments with a hobby group or friends. You can hire a therapist as your confidant and to get feedback from. You can even get a massage or a pedicure.
It's cruel for someone to take your sex life from you with no explanation. You get to decide if you want to live this way or not she does not get to decode this for you unilaterally. She only gets to decide if you have a sex life with her.
I think you have been patient and that it's valid for you to lay out your expectations of the relationship. I am not telling you to leave, just giving my opinion that it's okay for you to expect certain things of the relationship.
I hope you are able to find a best path forward. I hope that any decisions you face come with clarity.
@purpleFig7203
Nicely done!
this list does cover most of the common items.
@purpleFig7203
Thank you as well for your well thought out advice. I truly appreciate everything you said. Wow. So spot on. We spoke on Monday and things opened up and then Tuesday as well for further clarification on some issues. Im still scratching my head on some of the answers but I get it that people kinda shut down when asked about issues but to wait a month or even 2 weeks to revisit what's important to your partner that you love? Hmm..
I have more info which I will post later tonight or tomorrow in a different Thread but I would love your thoughts once I do. I value real people that care and look to help others because I'm that way as well.
A tease: We started off as a long distance relationship but we saw each other a lot all last year and then she moved in a year ago. Now she wants to move back to California beach area to be closer to her mom who is 88yrs not doing well and older children in the area. So I'm back to a long distance relationship for now but she knows I will visit and vice a versa. I understand and am supportive. I'm just trying to save the relationship at this point but I feel the physical aspect will come back.
Thank you again and if you don't find the new post i will send it to you if that's possible on this site..