Relationships Are Tough
Five years into the relationship and I’ve just now realized my boyfriend has poor interpersonal skills. I wish I didn’t have to keep my emotions to myself but he doesn’t handle them well. I’m on my own healing journey and he’s not a support system. That sucks. Feeling like I’m in a limbo. I just want to be happy and feel at peace. I want to be given grace when I make mistakes and regress to old habits. But every time I do, it feels like I’m the villain. And that just depresses me more.
If you relate, I’m so sorry you’re going through that. It sucks so much.
@hardworkingPond3054
You are not alone in feeling similar and it does suck when our partners do not even make the effort to understand support or grow themselves.... mine told me he never learned how to share his feeling and i reminded him .... he still could .... bad past or not learning before is not a reason to not learn now.
That’s 100% true. Was your partner receptive of that? Of learning new habits?
@hardworkingPond3054
when i explained his only other option was to separate
That makes sense. It does feel like there has to be some change or a willingness to change. In my relationship, I don’t think my partner will ever try to meet me where I am. Here’s to hoping, though.
Also, thanks for your response. It is comforting to not feel alone in these feelings.
@hardworkingPond3054 thank you for sharing this, and just know that you are not alone. It is an awful feeling to not be heard and understood by your partner and you have every right to ask this from him. You are worthy of compassion and respect, and you are so brave for realizing this need and sharing it with us. I hope he realizes how important this is to you, and that it will get better. Much love to you💗
Thank you for saying that. I hope so too 💙
@hardworkingPond3054 I relate. It’s one of the most painful things I’ve experienced. Sometimes it would seem like we were making progress, my husband would say something that would make me hope. But then next moment he’d blindside me with again, suddenly shouting at me or walking away when I’m telling him I’m sad. His family warned me, but I thought I saw deeper into him. I thought we really did have a connection, but it was more surface level. He’s just always been good at knowing how to say the right thing here and there to keep me around. When things get too tough for him and I felt like we might finally be touching on the root of the problem, he’d suddenly throw at me that we should break up or take a break. His go-to is running away, and then coming back like nothing happened trying to control all elements of the situation. He’s difficult to talk to in general. Even when I’m not looking for support, he’ll take regular conversation as a personal attack. Like me telling him something I’m doing is micromanaging him. I’ll be happy for a moment and then suddenly sad again. It’s maddening. I find myself wishing I’d never met him. But I am attached, care deeply, and love him. I’m constantly depressed or anxious. Every time I think I’m making progress building my self esteem I’m knocked down again. I’m rarely relaxed, happy, or excited. I don’t know why I’ve stayed, but I can’t seem to leave either. He has this way of making it seem like everything’s great and it’s all in my head, doubting myself.
I hate reading that others are having similar feelings. I hope his eyes are opened to what he’s doing to the person he loves. You deserve support and kindness. I’m sorry you’re going through it. It’s hard for people to break the patterns they grew up with. I hope he’ll start reading or seeking help to learn these skills. Do what is best for you.
Thanks for sharing this. I’m sorry you’re going through that. It sucks when it feels like everything is good and maybe you can open up and be yourself and then you get punished for it.
its been two months since I posted this and I thought things were getting better but no. The cycle just keeps restarting. I don’t think it’ll ever end. It has to be me who does something to change this because he’ll never make an effort. And if I ask, I’m the bad guy.
thanks again for hearing me out and for sharing 💙
@hardworkingPond3054 You mentioned being together 5 years. He is your boyfriend; you’re not married yet. I was wondering what your thoughts are lately. Do you feel like you can’t leave because you’ve been together so long? Sometimes I wish someone world have reached out to me before I got married, because now I feel stuck. I just don’t really have anyone. I’m sorry, I’m probably not making much sense. Do you feel stuck with him? Even if you live together or have been together a long time, if you’re not happy, you don’t have to be stuck. You might have an emotional connection that feels hard to break, but no legal holds. I guess what I’m trying to ask is, what makes you stay? I used to feel pressured to stay with people even when not married. I don’t know what relationships are supposed to be like, or if it is possible to meet a man who will genuinely care for us, but it seems like such cruelty just isn’t right. I feel sad to think of you being so sad when in the early relationship stages. I am here if you need to talk. ❤️
Thank you so much for your words. I completely understand what you mean. Sometimes it does feel like I’m stuck. Other days, it feels like a conscious choice to be with someone who is flawed and not on the same healing journey I’m on.
We’re not married but I’m in a situation where, when it feels like things are really bad, I can’t leave because I won’t have anywhere to go. I used to live with my mom and when she passed away, we moved in. I used to get govt assistance to pay rent because it transferred over to me when my mom passed. I only have a part time job right now and 6 pets, so finding an apartment on my own is pretty tough. Especially in SoCal, where I live.
I think, once I get a better paying job, I’ll know for sure if my decision to stay is genuine. Honestly, I wish my feelings of anxiety and depression didn’t make me feel really low when things aren’t good. It’s just a bunch of things coming together that make you confused, you know?
I understand your sadness. I can tell you that I’m doing good right now and that I’m seeing a therapist. I’m working on getting help so that I can heal and maybe that’ll change things in the relationship. At least change how I react to things and how much I let it impact my mental health.
I’m here if you need to talk, too. It sounds like our experiences resonate with each other 💙