Scariest time of my life (Need support, or guidance)
I'm about to finish high-school, I wasn't a very great student, nor a known one.
I suffer from many things at the same time, toxic family, environment, loneliness, unresolved traumas that makes me feel like a child in an adult body, addictions, shame, guilt on doing everything whether it's good or bad, procrastinating everything, emotional fragilety, and feeling anxiety and on edge everyday, even when things aren't at its worst.
I feel really scared to get in the real world, real suffering, the whole weight of expectations, work, marriage, the whole package of real suffering.
I'm not ready, I don't feel like I'm ready for such a weight, I'm already breaking in my own state.
My self awareness is giving me the sharpness on the second side of its double edged sword, the negative side.
The feeling of wanting to just run away from everything.
I'm on a constant fight or flight mode with everyone, worried of being hurt.
Yes, people can have flaws, but my flaws are much greater than my good sides.
I feel like a gen z kid, but with self awareness.
Like I can just only observe the chaos that I experience, without having any power to change, or improve.
My physical, mental, and spiritual health are all down the drain.
I understand why a lot of people decide to escape their life (In that certain unfortunate way), because they got self aware of how it's just meaningless.
Like we're just living to suffer, no one to love, no one to love them.
And people who survive life, who say how brightful life is and that we're just complaining, they all have someone.
A family member, a romantic partner, a best friend, whatever it is, they all have someone that they love or loves them in their life.
All the wealthy people you see on the internet, they all have someone.
But how can we function, face the intense unimaginable cruelty of the real world, without anyone?
Some people who don't have anyone can actually manage it, the ones who are ignorant, who walk without observing their surroundings.
But how can someone self aware, someone who thinks, realizes how those around him are just ignorant people functioning like a robot without any knowledge on human nature, causing chaos and having no ability to even understand what they've done.
Someone like me.
I have every reason to give up, but the only thing that stops me is my religion.
The religion that I keep failing aswell, I won't sugercoat it and yap about how faithful Iam.
Since even that, I fail on.
I fail at everything.
A child in an adult body (Funny enough, I look very old with wrinkles and I have a baby face, both at the same time, even though I'm only 18)
Starting small is overwhelming, unrewarding.
Starting from 100 is overwhelming too.
I feel like an arm, that will never function, and then it gets ordered to arm wrestle with the top arm wrestlers in the world.
Perhaps I'm using all of this as an excuse to escape too.
That this can be just an egoistic attention seeking method, to just see some people commenting in order to convince myself that I'm not a failure, and escape everything, but I'll post this anyways.
I'm lost.
People say "all that matters is to have a good heart"
But there's a quote that I made, that said: "Real strength isn't about not doing a bad thing when it's difficult, real strength is to not do the bad thing when it's easy for you to do"
I'm not strong for not fighting with someone if I'm not physically strong to fight him.
The major difference between choosing to not be evil, to not fight when you're strong enough to wipe the floor with those in front of you.
And between surrendering to not fight, because you're weak.
Kindness isn't worth it, when you're kind just because you're not strong enough to be a bad person.
And I'm not strong enough to be either good, nor bad.
I feel guilty to be good, and to be bad.
I fail at both.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I lost my identity.
And this is all before facing the real world too.
I am at the same situation, I am feeling lost but I don't know how to improve I am actually surching for help.
I don’t know you, but I want to tell you something.
Your message touched me deeply. Truly. Because I saw myself in so many of the words you wrote. I’m a believer too. And I know how hard it can be sometimes to hold onto faith when it feels like everything is falling apart. You feel far from God, unworthy. But I want you to know that our God never abandons us. He sees what’s in our hearts. He knows our thoughts, our struggles. And He still accepts us — even when we can’t accept ourselves.
I’m telling you this because I’m going through something very similar. I’m 19. I dropped out of university this year because I didn’t feel capable of handling it anymore. I felt overwhelmed, empty, tired of constantly trying to “succeed.” And yes, I also felt like a failure. But the truth is — this is not failure. We’re only 18, 19. We’re still learning how to live, how to understand ourselves, how to exist.
You don’t need to have it all figured out right now. You don’t need to have your life perfectly in place. Maybe this won’t be your year — and that’s okay. Maybe it will be next year, or the one after. What matters isn’t how fast you go. What matters is that you keep going, at your own pace. And most of all, that you don’t judge yourself too harshly.
You’re not alone. Even if it feels that way. What you’re feeling is valid, and you have every right to be in pain. But don’t let those feelings convince you that you have no worth. You’re already fighting — just by expressing what you feel. And believe me, that is a form of strength.
So take your time. Stay. Even if it’s just to see what life might still have in store for you.
And if you can’t believe in yourself right now — just know that God still does.
@sunnyWalker3392 beautiful uplifting words ❤️
"You're not alone" Is something that keeps being said on almost every supportive content I've witnessed.
But is it though?
If I'm not alone, why does it feel this way?
If I'm alone in my environment.
To be the only one in my family who woke up from the toxic environment, and realized the chaos that's happening.
Verbal abuse, humiliation, shaming, insulting.
To be ashamed to even try to be good when they're around.
To be afraid to say one prayer around them, because of how they implemented shame inside of me for being a person who doesn't pray, in between so called "Religious" people.
I'm not the only one suffering, I know, I'm not gonna say something egoistic or edgy as if I'm the only one suffering in the world.
But Iam alone.
In my house.
My school.
My country.
And the internet? yes, there are lovely and sweet people like you, who suffered, and are trying to be better through things like 7 cups.
But the internet doesn't make me feel much.
It just feels like an escapism for me.
Reading relatable people doesn't "Touch me deeply", it feels like I'm just reading the average everyday news when I see stories of people here.
Perhaps from ego, numbness, or just because it's my coping mechanism, that I don't know.
(Funny enough, as I'm writing this message, my family are arguing, yelling, and insulting each other)
I appreciate your message, and the effort you put in trying to help here.
I don't really know if God abandoned me or not.
But it doesn't seem like he blesses me, does he?
I don't really understand God, no matter how much I read about his perfection, his mercifulness.
I do believe in him.
But I can never feel any of his love.
And his followers? his believers? they are mostly not really good people.
Whether you're Christian, or a Muslim, in both religions.
Most people who speak of God, or praying, are people who are fat, neglecting themselves, neglecting their family, their children, have no self control, using anger and yelling as a method to communicate, are not kind to children by anyway possible, egoistic.
And lives in a world of fantasy, a world where they justify their actions just because they pray.
I want to love God.
I want to.
I waited too too long to find reasons to love him.
And to feel his love for me.
But I can't feel anything.
All I get is pain and pain.
Tests tests tests over and over..
What is a God who only rewards his believers by making them suffer?
That the only way he communicate to us, is by pain, and suffering.
All the religious people I see are the opposite of what a religious person should be.
My father, failing his family just because he doesn't want to "move on" by divorcing his wife that he has a totally toxic and abusive relationship with since more than 28 years ago.
Yes.
My father has been abusive since he got married.
And they still chose to have 3 children.
He has no financial freedom, no manners, no kindness, no physical strength, no mental health, no good relationships, no inner strength in anyway.
A failure.
And he chose to keep the marriage, and have 3 children.
And he's the most religious man I've seen in my entire family.
Funny coincidence, right?
Another funny thing.
Actually, it might be true that I'm not alone.
But it just means that I'm around very toxic people, and they make me wish I was alone.
I'd rather be really alone than being around them.
But I have no will, no hope, no strength to do anything.
I'm not able to live, I'm just surviving.
And that's not enough.
All of this is just a mere thing compared to the next chapter of my life.
And I'm really scared to face it.
Thank you again, for providing your perspective.
If you may, I'd like for you to comment again if possible, as I want to know more about your perspective.
Peace.
I completely understand how you feel and where you’re coming from, but I think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Where is this pressure coming from?
Everything “new” will feel scary and overwhelming at first, including a new life stage. Some of these expectations may be just people telling you to do certain things and some will be required and others will be left to you to decide if you want to do it.
As for suffering in life…life is really what you make out of it. Someone can be poor and happy or be wealthy and miserable. I understand you feel like you’re incapable, I know what that’s like, but just try to make the best out of each day you have no matter how what expectations or what’s thrown at you.
It’s also completely normal and okay to fail a lot. It will happen and you WILL fail. Because failure is the only way how we humans gain experience in anything. We’re not good at things right away. We feel “bad” about failure because the world we live in is too fast paced for what our bodies have been evolved to do. Just take it slow, try to look at what caused you to fail, learn from it and if you fail again repeat the same process. You will see yourself getting better!
Take things slow try to not get too discouraged and take it one day at a time. Focus on yourself and your wellbeing too. I know when you’re fresh out of high school all you can think of is adult life and careers, college because society and schools like to push that quota. Please focus on your health more than that. I’m 25 and I was super excited about college and it turned out it wasn’t for me. Health was not my top priority and now I’m dealing with it. Focus on your mental health ( which you are taking a step by being on 7cups great job!), physical health (not just the doctor!!) skincare everything.
School will make it seem like you’re going to be stuck with one job for the rest of your life and it’s going to be miserable. The reality is that some people do that, and others switch jobs a lot. Someone can go from being an engineer to a baker or go from a construction worker to a desk job. Yes it can be harder to switch jobs in a field you’re specialized in but it can be done.
Don’t stress too much over it you’ll make it through ☺️
@sensitivePal85266 hey it feels like you've so much to express and share and no one to listen to. Many of us struggle with that. I do too.
I'd be happy to be your friend.
Well, I appreciate your enthusiasm on my post, you seem lovely around here.
About the friend thing, I didn't have a friend for a very long time, and I'm not even sure if I'm ready to be someone's friend.
Last few friends I've had, I lost my energy to socialize with them.
And my past has been a switch between an annoying friend who complains a lot, and between someone who pents up negative emotions inside.
And when I keep it inside, I avoid people.
When I avoid people, I either just ghost them, or just repeat "I don't feel well, let's talk another time" for endless amounts.
And that can be an endless cycle when I have a friend.
Even having fun with someone makes me feel guilty, like I didn't do anything to deserve enjoying time with a friend, not while I have an unlimited things to fix.
I want to have a friend, I'm incredibly lonely, but I don't feel ready, and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore just because of that.
Having friends feels like a prison.
And being alone feels like a prison.
I don't know what to do about it.
And for the cherry on top:
There aren't any "friends" section here, qnd and I'm not sure if it's allowed to share links or any dm stuff around here🙂.
Thank you though for your support on my post ❤️
This is extremely relatable.