Stage fright? Displeasure with being perceived?
Recently I feel like I do not want to be perceived at all. I guess I've always been a somewhat private person, for the most part. I don't like to feel like I'm performing a task in front of an audience, I don't typically go out of my way to be overly social. Sometimes I feel bad about it, like I'm missing out on connection because I feel like I'm constantly being judged; though I know in my mind that I judge myself ten times harder than anyone around me.
Today I really needed to mow my lawn. It's gotten tall with recent rain and very sunny days. I really should have done it sooner, but its been a heatwave and I work a lot of hours. Frankly I'm not a very good lawn keeper. I kinda think its okay to let nature do its nature thing to a certain extent. But I live next door to someone who keeps an immaculate lawn and garden and is constantly building new things and casually whipping up a porch over a weekend. Which means two things: one, i feel held up to a very high standard and like I'm failing my neighbor. And two, he is CONSTANTLY outside right next to me as I'm trying to mow. Today the its still very hot, everything was going okay at first. Towards the end my mower kept dying, and then he all of the sudden had his entire family outside too!!!! I was a sweaty, dirty mess. Were they minding their own business and not paying me much mind? Probably. Did I feel as though I was being scrutinized and judged? Yes, so I stopped in my tracks after it died again, a mere 5 to 10 minutes away from finishing up. And I went inside.
I feel so terrible and beat myself up all the time. I don't want to be seen as lazy, incapable, or irresponsible. But I feel as though that's always what's coming across. Idk. Just getting my emotions out while they're still fresh
@haley0844
I understand.
You feel like the whole world has an opinion.
And are looking at you.
And judging you.
It plays as a constant loop in your head.
In reality they are not even thinking of you.
And if they were, would it even matter?
Yet, it's an overwhelming feeling.
You are not lazy.
Or incapable. Never forget that 😊💛
@haley0844
I know what you mean. People can be very judgemental about things like their yards.
I loved your comment about your neighbors. You have a way with words. "Casually whipping up a porch over the weekend" made me laugh out loud. 😁
Given how handy your neighbors are, I doubt they are judging you. If they were genuinely concerned about the state of your property, they would casually whip up a privacy fence.
Thank you. I feel like I express myself so much better through written word.
And also a valid point. He most certainly could out a fence up, I wish I had one just so I could be free to let my yard look however I please.
@haley0844
Hello Haley, I hope you are feeling somewhat well, if not good today?
I read what you wrote (twice to make sure I didn't miss anything) Your feelings are valid and you have every right to feel them, that's the first thing I want to say. Sometimes, however, our thinking can turn on us when there is no real cause, I know, it happens to me. I understand where you are coming from, absolutely.
I don't believe that your neighbours are specifically pointing (or looking) at you. It occurs to me that the man of the house is a "perfectionist", the polar opposite of what you are thinking and that, in itself, is not, in my opinion, a good thing either. It can be an outward showing of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)
You work long hours so it is no wonder you do not always have the energy to attend to other things which, in the grand scheme of things, are not necessarily important. My yard is somewhat a lush tangle as well, I like to be surrounded by nature and I do not obsess over every leaf being trimmed or in its proper place.
I know that sometimes it is difficult to NOT be hard on yourself, I am my own worst enemy too 😂 I would not let the neighbour dictate your life and activities. Each to their own I say. be happy within yourself, that is the most important thing I can say. Ignore, where possible, anything that has no immediate impact on you physically. Be your own world and your own self within that world.
Oh, and about the lawnmower, sounds like it needs a carbie clean/adjustment and perhaps a new spark plug. 😁 they get obnoxious when they get hot!!! if it gets like that again just shut it down and let it sit in the shade for about fifteen minutes while you go inside, cool off and hydrate. 😉
(Listener at 7 Cups of Tea)
Thank you for your response 😄. I like that you're more of a naturalistic person as well, I just don't see the need to trim everything back. I like to give the bugs and small critters a place to thrive. I admire my neighbors passion for a nice yard. He does work hard on it, I just hope he knows my yard isn't a product of laziness. I guess its silly to continually imagine what he may be thinking, though. I just cannot seem to help myself but think the worst about what people are thinking of me!